Yup, I'm still alive. And happy to see that you all (everybody) are still in the land of the living as well! That is all . . . . for now.

So, I haven't been around for a while. You may not even remember me. You may not really care. But I thought I'd share my story anyway. 11 years ago, before I got married, I started having some "female" problems. Mostly a bad constant pain in the left side of my abdomen. There's more to it, but I'll spare ya those details. Anyway, I finally found a doctor interested in helping me, and he did a laparoscopic surgery. I was 18 and newly married, so he didn't really tell me that he was expecting to find endometriosis. The surgery revealed nothing. Nothing at all. So he put me on birth control pills, and things eventually got better. Flash forward a few years. We decide we'd like to get pregnant, so I go off the pills. We try and try, but to no avail and eventually the pain & other symptoms come back. I was heartbroken. I went to a different doctor, and he couldn't really do anything for me either. So, dammit! Eventually, I did conceive. We had Little3 almost five years ago, and I was symptom free for a long time after. Then I went on birth control pills a year ago and had a bad time of it. When I stopped taking them, the pain came back and was bigger than ever. A third doctor ordered an ultrasound, suspecting ovarian cysts. Sure enough, there they were. And my left ovary was twice its normal size. So I went back to doctor #1 - who had delivered Little3 - and he did laparoscopy #2 to remove my ovary on September 27. This time, there was endometriosis on the outside of my ovary, and that's why it was enlarged. Everything else looked okay. No endometriosis anywhere else, but my uterus felt a little soft. This suggested adenomyosis, but he said he couldn't be sure unless he removed my uterus and we weren't ready for that. I'm happy. Finally the mystery-pain that has haunted me for more than 11 years was gone. Wrong. Less than a week after surgery, I had pain again. So I looked up "adenomyosis" and found out that that's just endometriosis eating away the inside of the uterus rather than the outside. Less than a month after surgery, my hubby and I went back to my doctor. He told me about a drug called Lupron. Scary ass drug, and it only buys you a little time. So we decided on a hysterectomy. December 5, I had a laparoscopic hysterectomy. He took my other ovary, just so I wouldn't have any more problems or surgeries. I came home the next day, feeling pretty good. Then on the 8th, I got up to tinkle and had some SEVERE pain. Like, off the charts. Screaming in agony. It was horrible. I suffered most of the day, then went to the ER. I got treated like a junkie looking for a fix. After 7 hours, x-rays, pelvic exam, and a CT scan, they sent me home with a diagnosis of constipation. They said that the pain medicine I was taking was keeping me from going. Whatever! The next day was Sunday, and I still felt like hell. Going potty was agony. Literal agony -- I'm not exaggerating. I couldn't walk upright, I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't eat. Then the swelling started. Under one of my incisions, on my left side, there was a collection of fluid the size of an orange. By bedtime, it was like a football. This can't be good. The next morning, I look like I'm six-months pregnant. No joke. I called my doctor's office and got an appointment for that afternoon. He thought it was probably a hematoma, but the ultrasound was baffling him. I went into surgery that night. Again. Laparoscopy #4 (the third in two months) revealed that I had a hole in my bladder. My body was full of urine, and it had broken through my abdominals and was filling out my saggy belly skin. Lovely. What had most likely happened was: during the hysterectomy, he was detatching my uterus from my bladder and cauterized a bleeding blood vessel too deeply and damaged the tissue. It takes about 3 days for that tissue to slough off and then the bladder ruptures. My hole was the diameter of an ink pen. My doctor was SO apologetic. I actually thought he was going to cry when he was telling me what happened. I wasn't upset. Accidents happen, and there are risks with surgery. It really could have been worse. So, he fixed me up and I had to wear a catheter for 11 days. Eleven LONG days. I can't describe how uncomfortable & humiliating those 11 days were. The whole experience was pretty embarassing. My darling husband even called me "Miss Peebody". Ain't he sweet. I got my catheter out the Friday before the Christmas weekend. I felt instantly better, but it turns out that I have a bladder infection now. No biggie, just another week of antibiotics and I should be as good as new. Better, even. Hormone replacement therapy was the thing I dreaded most of all. Surgery never scared me. It turns out I was wrong all the way around. I haven't had a single hormonal problem. I ended up losing another 8 pounds after the bladder surgery, bringing me down to 145. I'm now 50 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight. I gained a lot of weight when the pain first started 11 years ago. Now I weigh less than I did when I graduated high school. And I haven't even worked out since September. The endometriosis was sort of toxic. I just felt wrong. It was a lot like being pregnant, but with pain and no happiness. Now that it's gone, I feel like a new woman. Like I should have felt when I was younger. They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't know if I feel stronger, but I definitely have better perspective. I appreciate the little things more. Little things like . . . peeing into the toilet. :P

It's not an infection, and there isn't a cure. Autism is a neurological disorder. From autism.com : Many autistic infants are different from birth. In the first few years of life, some autistic toddlers reach developmental milestones, such as talking, crawling, and walking, much earlier than the average child; whereas others are considerably delayed. Approximately one-half of autistic children develop normally until somewhere between 1 1/2 to 3 years of age; then autistic symptoms begin to emerge. These individuals are often referred to as having 'regressive' autism. Some people in the field believe that candida albicans, vaccinations, exposure to a virus, or the onset of seizures may be responsible for this regression. I tell you all this, because I watched Oprah yesterday. And again was disappointed. I must admit that Jenny McCarthy did a better job in 20 minutes showing what life with an autistic child is like, than the Autism Speaks people did in an hour. Jenny's attitude was positive, she was smiling, and she clearly loves her son. The same did not come across from the others, who were on Oprah's stage last season. McCarthy actually educated people on therapy options, and showed America the smiling face of a child with autism. Yes, folks! It actually does happen! And it is a beautiful thing. Yet my disappointment is in the "facts" that keep getting presented. The story that goes, "My child was developing, hitting the milestones, talking, looking in my eyes, and then after they got their MMR they went away. They were gone. There was nothing." McCarthy even presented pictures of her son before & after the age of 16 months, to show how his "soul was gone from his eyes". Say wha?! I am a mother, and I know that no one knows our babies better than we do. So I am willing to accept that these parents have, in fact, experienced things in the way that they say. But where are the parents of the other half of the autistic children? The children like Little3, that never spoke a single word until well after their second birthday, and several speech therapy and occupational therapy sessions? Where are the parents that accept that their child was born, is beautiful, is struggling, and needs to be understood, not cured? Am I really the only one? ------------------------------------------------------ ETA: Some better articulation here, although my beliefs are far less extremist than this. I just hope that the information in that article may help a little, in offering another view. And that of autistic people themselves, not just outraged parents of autistic children. Oooh! Here's another fascinating article, from the New York Times. You can find me in the gray area. I just want to let my son be who he is, and do what I can to help him be comfortable. We did feeding therapy to try to help him tolerate soft foods, so that he could have a healthier diet. No avail, but we tried. Our main focus is on a happy, healthy Little3. We are starting to worry about the "normal" classroom, as Kindergarten looms in his future. But the thought turns my stomach, so I dare not consider it more just now.

I am well. Pretty much. I'll spare you all the boring details. Little3's potty trained this week. He did it in two days. Of course he is four years old, so I can hardly brag. But with the special circumstances.... I'm shocked that he's potty trained under the age of 6. I've been sort of keeping up with everyone -- stalker/lurker style -- but just haven't been where I could comment. I have put together a few albums, one to keep track of weight loss (and gain), one of Little3, and one of our house. Here it is, if you're interested. http://www.picturetrail.com/autismmom_03 Holla back. How's you? :)

I've lost 9 pounds this month. I now have a neck, and cheekbones! Stepping up exercise and stepping down portions = success. Yay! I also darkened my hair to my natural color. Well, close anyway. ;) Looks good. Better than blonde, I think. Little3 is just fabulous, and really enjoying his summer break. Marriage is ... meh. How're you all?

Autism x 6 That is a challenge that I am simply not up to. I seriously doubt I could handle it. Some days, I feel like I can't even handle living with my one autistic boy. Those people deserve more than effin' Oscar winners get. It pisses me off. I must go now.

... a big magnet. It was really very frightening. And you know what happened next? Nothing happened, John. Nothing happened at all. That annoyed the hell out of me the first time we heard it, back in season two of Lost. Just what does a magnet sound like, anyway?! Now I know. Today I had an MRI. My grandmother died from an aneurysm at the young age of 55. Since this condition is often inherited, and in light of recent increase in migraines and symptoms that I've had in connection with exercise, coughing, etc; I went into the hatch for a shift today. I'm sad to report that there was no super-Fine Dr. Jack Shepard working at Premiere Diagnostic Imaging, but happy to inform you that I do, in fact, have a brain and no sign of aneurysm. Not even early stage. This is good. And my doctor is encouraged by my low/normal blood pressure. She told me - and I should have known this but I didn't - that exercise helps keep blood pressure low. So there's another incentive. I'm building more tolerance to the Topamax. The first week at full dosage I was pretty... um, blonde. Hubby would get really annoyed at me, but it's just like you lose your train of thought and totally draw a blank. I'd think he - of ALL people - would understand. He said that it's not like having a conversation with the same intelligent woman. I said we never have conversations anymore anyway. Not funny. Oops. I say my pills just bring me down to his level. Not funny. Oops again. She's about to strike out, folks. He got really pissy with me in a store the other night because I forgot that Advil (I think it was :oops: ) makes ibuprofen. He got REALLY annoyed. I say, "Well, now you know what it's like living with you." He says, "But you haven't always been this way." So I hit a homerun. I say, "Then at least you have good memories." He blinked. Ah, marriage. Made in heaven. So are thunder and lightning. And without much further ado (there will be a bit more :P ), a link to pix of my house. My camera .... blah. I don't know. It could've been me. Anyway, some of the pix I took just aren't flattering enough to share. My living room and master bedroom to name a couple. But there are enough to at least show you all (everybody) that I'm not full of crap and I am in fact living in a fabulous new house. clicky

Just thought I should put that out there. Of course, I wouldn't be me if I'd done it any sooner. Like, say... the first of the month. :roll: For those of you who don't know me -- Thank you SO much for taking an interest! Please see the following links: AutismSpeaks.org 10 Things Every Child With Autism Wishes You Knew Otherwise, this blog is intended for my friends. Feel free to join the club! I just found out today that there's an autism awareness walk on the 28th. I plan to participate, even though I have no more information than that. :) You can expect to hear more when I do. Maybe even some modest request for sponsorship. With absence of obligation of course! I've never been good at asking for anything, only good at talking people out of helping me. You know the type. My meds seem to finally be helping a bit. I woke up the day before my birthday with a monstrously painful migraine, but it didn't last quite as long. And I haven't had one since. *knocks on wood* I'm losing my sense of taste. Not complaining exactly, since a love of food and lack of willpower has sabotaged my total weight-loss goal in spite of the love of exercise I once had. Yeah, you read right. I once had a love for exercise. But then I realized that it was triggering some of my migraines. So I was scared off a bit. I only worked out 8 days in the month of March. Three times in the last 3 weeks. This is quite remarkable for me. I made a feeble attempt yesterday, and was almost ashamed. I recognize that any exercise is good, but I just couldn't perform like I could a month ago. Hopefully things will balance out soon. But with the loss of appetite will (hopefully) come loss of weight. I just hate to lose my muscle mass and my stamina. So I'm hoping that I'll build a tolerance to the odd effects that this Topamax is already having on my brain - at half dose - and I'll be able to get back to my healthy self. It's a bit of a catch-22. I may or may not be able to do advanced choreography Step aerobics on Topamax, but I sure as hell can't do them with a migraine. Or a migraine hangover (rebound). ----------------------------------------------------- Autism. Migraines. Drugs, loss of taste and memory. Weight gain? I need a little pick-me-up. Lucky for me, I still remember just the thing.... Oh, yeah. That's just what I'm needin'......

We need rain. BADLY. This is my back yard. Well, a very small part of it anyway. :D And that is one of my now-famous trees. That one is actually a weeping cherry grafted onto a mandarin orange tree trunk. Should be interesting to see the difference. This is the original weeping cherry, in (obviously) the front yard: The front yard got seed back in February, I think. That's why it's so lovely. The rest didn't get it until about 2 weeks ago. It's only sprinkled here once since, and water costs about the same as gasoline out here in the boonies so it's not looking too good right now. But I'm just lovin' this house!! Pix of interior to come, I promise. PS - Have you seen this? I'm loving it!! Alanis Morissette "My Humps" video

What a day. Oy! I woke at 5:30 Sunday in the grips of a migraine, and couldn't get out of bed until noon. So when hubby asked me how my birthday was going at 8:15 yesterday I said, "Any day that doesn't start out with a migraine has to be a good day." Jinx. Monday is floor cleaning day in the Moss household. Woo Hoo. I also had to clean out Korben's crate, so I left him out to play with Chester while it dried. Two hours later, new puppy, Korben, was nowhere to be found. I mean Nowhere. I went outside, and Chester was right here. Right where they'd been playing all morning. No sign of Korben. I drove up and down our road and talked to every neighbor that was home. He wasn't with any of the dogs that I saw. By this time I had to go pick up Little3 from school, and you can guess who he was asking for. :cry: When we got home, we went into the woods behind our house looking and calling for Korben. No sign. It was so weird. My brother and mom keep saying that someone had to have seen him and taken him. But I just find that SO hard to believe. When hubby got home, he and Little3 rode on the ATV and I rode my bicycle and we asked more neighbors and searched more. Nothing. I can't tell you all how much I cried. It was horrible. He's only four months old. He's little. And he's not been just the perfect little puppy that I imagined when I brought him home. At first we had a lot of trouble with him biting Little3. Corgis are herders, so he would nip Little3's feet and legs when he walked or ran. Okay. But he also jumped up and bit his face several times when he wasn't paying Korben attention. It got so that Little3 was afraid of Korben and didn't want to be near him. Once we worked through that, I was able to focus my impatience on the fact that he isn't housebreaking. He still isn't house-broken! Crate-trained, yes. He'll hold it all night and half a day in his crate. But he won't hold it 2 hours in the house. Grrrr. So, I haven't always been just the sweetest and most loving to him. "Thorn in my side" has passed my lips more than once. And of course, as soon as I realized he was missing I started beating myself up about how I've mistreated him and how mean I've been to him etc. By dark, I was nearly sick with grief and emotional exhaustion. All I wanted was a shower and my bed, and as I passed the back door I saw those familiar little satellite ears. Waiting at the door like nothing had happened! We can't figure what happened. It seems odd that there was no sign of him anywhere, so it's kind of hard to believe that he just wandered off and got lost. But we also don't want to believe that one of our very few neighbors would have taken him. However, it looks kinda funny. Whatever happened, our adorable little guy is back and healthy. And I have a slightly gentler view of him. Traumatic as it was, I guess it was a birthday to remember. PS - Just got film developed, so please allow me to brag.