As if the previous post wasn't enough.

After my failed attempt to get Unreal Tournament 3 to stay connected to an online server, I thought I'd try the other problem software that plagued my Windows Vista installation before the re-install: The Orange Box, and thus, it's associated DRM and management software, Steam. For the record, I did get it working once before, for about two weeks, at which point it tried to update itself and never worked again. But I digress.

Let me spell it out for those of you who weren't aware of this already: I hate Steam. I H-A-T-E S-T-E-A-M.

Steam is a software application that acts as a "portal" to your "Steam-powered" games. You launch Steam, and then from within Steam, you launch your game. The reason for this, besides all of the marketing/advertising built into it, is that Steam also acts as a DRM tool for games. Software piracy is obviously a huge concern for game publishers, and Steam is yet another method of trying to reduce said piracy. Lastly, Steam also provides an automatic update route for the games installed within it: the software automatically checks for and downloads any available updates to your games, and then installs them, so you always have the latest version. Sounds good, right?

Well if you've never used Steam before, it doesn't sound so bad. However, when you actually attempt to install it and use it, that goes out the window.

This is the second time I've attempted to install Steam on a clean Vista installation. It is the second time that I've encountered endless problems.

The first time you attempt to install your game, in this case The Orange Box, it will install Steam first. However, when you install Steam, it attempts to update itself right away. This process takes forever. I'm not joking, I've never seen a software update process take so long. I don't know what's wrong with the software or with the Steam network, but why does this little "shell" application that merely hosts your games take hours to update, if it even updates at all? I just don't get it.

At least, this time around, it eventually updated itself (three hours later) and presented a login screen. Since I already had a Steam account from the previous installation, I entered my credentials and pressed the Login button. Then I waited. And waited. And waited some more. Guess what happened next? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Big surprise! The login windows stayed in the following mode for more than an hour:

Since I didn't think it was working properly (or was it? Everything else in Steam takes forever), I hit the Cancel button. The window instantly disappeared and I was left staring at the Windows desktop. What happened to my installation of The Orange Box that I was in the middle of? No sign of it. Where did Steam go? Who knows.

I restarted The Orange Box installation from the DVD, and of course it launched Steam again. This time it, mercifully, did not attempt to update itself, it merely presented me with the login window above. I re-entered my credentials and, hesitantly, pressed the Login button and went over to my Xbox 360 to play some NHL 08 while I waited for some kind of response.

A little more than an hour later I checked the screen and the Login window had finally done something: it disappeared. Where did it go? I was just happy that something, anything, had happened. The Windows system tray showed a new icon for Steam so I clicked it and up came the main Steam interface. Success! At least I thought so.

Steam seemed to finally be working, but where was my installation of The Orange Box? Under the My Games tab, the contents of The Orange Box were all listed as not being installed. So I launched the installer from the DVD yet again, and this time Steam took over and asked me which components I wanted to install. The Orange Box contains five games, including Half Life 2 and its two expansion packs, Portal, and Team Fortress 2, all of which I want to play, so I elected to install everything. It started to install Half Life 2 by coming up with a window that said "Creating local game cache files... Preparing Half Life 2 files for install..." which contained a progress bar. The bar advanced about a third of the way across, then froze. I waited for a while (maybe 30 minutes), and of course nothing happened. I hit the Cancel button. Bad idea.

Steam then disappeared, and it wouldn't come back. I launched it from the desktop icon: nothing. Launched it from The Orange Box installer: nothing. The Windows task list would show "Steam.exe" running, but no window would ever come up, and no system tray icon would appear.

Let me remind you again: I HATE STEAM.

After a reboot, Steam appeared once more, automatically on startup this time, and I logged into it. This time it only took about five minutes before the window disappeared and the system tray icon appeared. Clicking on the system tray icon brought up the main interface and I again attempted to install The Orange Box, but this time I would elect to only install Team Fortress 2. I got the same window as the previous Half Life 2 installation, but this time the progress bar advanced all the way across (after a few more games of NHL 08). Yes! I thought I was finally in business, but then nothing else happened. It sat there:

Believing this was just another case of Steam moving very, very slowly, I left it. Overnight. Well wouldn't you know it, when I checked it again the next morning, it was still sitting there. No more progress. I've since left it on that window, and how much do you want to bet that when I get home from work today, it will still be on that same screen? I'm guessing you won't take me up on that one.

I hate Steam. And I'm not the only one.