I'm not entirely sure, but I think I may be suffering from depression.

I've checked the symptoms, and I'm suffering from most of the emotional symptoms, yet I can find no evidence of physical symptoms yet. Simply put, I don't feel happy anymore. Even things I normally enjoy doing are condensed and I don't feel enjoyment out of them anymore; like I'm drowning in a pool of despair and sadness.


It's been so bad lately, too. I went to a party last night with a bunch of people from work, and I was having a great time, and then it hit me. I felt so lonely all of a sudden, and I haven't felt normal since; the feeling has just deepened...I don't know what do do about it, because I can't tell anyone close to me, because it could make them resent me. I just feel bad because my friends at work may have seen me acting strangely. I don't want them to see me like that. They're like a second family to me, and I don't want any of them to see me in this state.

I just don't know what to do...

My hopes and my wallet were both dashed a couple of weeks ago. The San Antonio Spurs beat my Detroit Pistons in a crushing Game 7 or the NBA Finals.

I had so much faith that they would win, and it looked like they would win the championship, but they lost in the last 6 minutes. It felt like a dream at first; I couldn't believe that they lost the game. But, I've come to accept it, and look forward to a trophy for the Pistons next year.

However, I do not acknowledge the bet between my boss and I; he isn't getting any money unless he can remember his own damn bets... <_<

Noooo!! My Detroit PIstons are down 2-1 to the Miami Heat =(

I have $50 riding on them winning the NBA Championship again! =(

...

Go DEEEETOIT!

Well, I went on for a while with Ciara constantly on my mind. For the past few weeks she's been associated with everything I talk and think about. The pain I felt continued, but finally some relief of my despair.

Lately, I haven't thought about her as much. The past couple days have been better. Then fate made sure that it didn't last long. Today after school, I was walking in the hallway, and she was walking right towards me. I naturally smiled and said Hi, but I got a reaction I didn't expect. She snubbed me, and shot me a dirty look; a look that basically said "I'm too good to talk to you." That kinda pissed me off.

However, here's the funny part. As soon as she gave me that look, I shot her the exact same look. I didn't really want to, but it just automatically came out. She looked kinda pissed, but we just walked past each other. For some reason, I felt good that I did that; I refused to be treated like that and I have no regrets.

Ever since I dumped my girlfriend for cheating on me, there's been another girl on my mind: Ciara. Everything I do makes me think about her. I always think about her, talk about her; even dream about her. Physically, Ciara is about 5' 6'', white, very dark brown hair, dark skin, perfect body, and a big backyard. (=D) Here's some background between me and Ciara:

I really first met Ciara in 8th grade - 2 years ago. Back then I didn't like her, because I thought she was incredibly stuck up and had quite an attitude on her. However, after a while, I started hearing rumors that she liked me, and for the strangest reason, I started to like her. Every day after lunch I would walk back to class when Ciara would hurry up to me saying, "You're so hot, Sasha. I'm going to go out with you."

We both started to like each other alot, but never went out that year. We both constantly reminded each other that we were going to go out, but we wanted to hold it off until the next school year. By the time summer hit after 8th grade I was obsessed over her; I couldn't get her out of my mind and every second without her was pain.

Then finally, 9th grade came. Ciara had said she was going to find me the first day of school, when I thought we were going to start going out, but it never happened. I was in her 3rd hour class all of that year, and we barely talked. I started to think that she had started to lose interest, and finally gave up when I heard that she asked out a kid named Matt; who was probably my least favorite person I had met that year. I couldn't believe that she did that; I refused to believe it. She dashed my dreams and left me depressed for quite some time.

I started talking to her a bit towards the end of last year (still 9th grade), but it was all small talk and she snubbed me on several occasions. Each time felt like a dagger to my heart, and I prayed that I could just forget about her. Then 2 days later I asked out a girl named Allison. We went out until last November, when we mutually decided that it was best to split up.

Fortunately, after 1 1/2 years, my obsession for Ciara finally started to subside. I was able to go a day without grieving over her, and life was a little easier. However, that didn't last too long.

After my last girlfriend cheated on me, I had decided to give myself a little time before I dated another girl. That lasted for about a week; once again, I started to constantly think about Ciara. I thought I was over her, but unfortunately she still lurked in my mind.

Now, I don't know what to do. I haven't talked to her in a year, and I'm certain that she doesn't like me anymore. However, I just can't go and ignore her; it pains me just to think about it. Every morning I wake up and I feel torn over my situation, and I really don't know what to do...

Well, if you read this, thanks for listening.