An onion-scented site?

by a_spod on September 12, 2007 Comments

I've just got wind of a new and revolutionarily innovative website being designed by a bunch of Harvard Psychologists. Most social networking sites don't take account of people's bad moods; but these pscyhe boffins are doing just that, and designing their site to better manage the schisms and conflicts which inevitably emerge within any on-line community that's been up and running for more than 20 minutes. For instance, remembering the old adage to "Keep ones friends close, but ones enemies closer.", the site—tentatively titled face-off-book.com—will provide an enemies list (rather than a friends list), so you can monitor the gratuitous slanders and insults perpetrated against you by other community members. A loose and constantly varying coalition of allies will automatically be assigned to every user – calculated on the principle that "the enemy of my enemy is my friend", provided she's not my enemy already. Every user's blog will be audited by seasoned staffers searching for racist, sexist and homophobic abuse; and those omitting it will be censored. Users may also be reprimanded for failing to author a constant stream of overly-melodramatic PMs. Interviews are already underway for forum moderators. Some of the internet's most notorious trolls have been short-listed; the designers hope this will guarantee the forums provide an unending source of abuse to wantonly enrage the most sanguine user, and send everybody else into total apopolexy. A bespoke level system will reward posters with contribution points for every complaint received, and offer bonus points for causing other users to storm off and sulk, even if the members then return resurgent and reinvigorated a few days later. Viruses will be emailed to every address registered for the site; and registration of an email address will be compulsory. Gaming and hacking will be actively encouraged – indeed without them the site will be unusable, as javascript embedded in the page will monitor click patterns, and on detecting mounting user frustration, will trigger the site to crash, redirect the page to an advert, or simply drop you back to level 0. But on the bright side, you will be able to talk about class and style. Anybody revealing their real-world identity will be visited by a team of crack, mutant ninja weevils, dispatched to give them a good spanking with some stiff celery, and then steal their soiled underwear for sale in Japanese booth. And the whole site will be hand coloured by Chinese toy manufacturers, using highly toxic, lead-based Azo dyes. In short, if Endemol teamed up with Machiavelli, there could not be a more sick and twisted site for winding people up. And the designers expect a substantial section of TV.com's membership to take to it like skiers to fresh snow...

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