As TJ notes, every Christmas special that's not a direct rip off of A Christmas Carol, still sees some curmudgeon having their cockles marinated in Christmas spirit and then warmed on the hearth till they glow with love and joy. But if I were in charge of the networks, things would be rather different; here's five delights you might unravel on the Christmas day, if the schedules were a la Spod:

1. Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. A soldier returns home to find his fiancée has been unfaithful. Benson and Stabler intervene to discover the girl has been raped (by her father). However they persuade the soldier to go ahead with the marriage, and raise the child as his own. And in a final, supernatural twist, it turns out rapist has had a vasectomy.

2. Casualty. A pregnant, East-European, brussels-sprout picker gets trapped in a cowshed by a blizzard. While inside, a panicked cow head-buts the woman, knocking her out, and triggering the onset of labour. Holby's ambulance crews fight through the snow to rescue the woman from enraged cattle and deliver the child. Unfortunately. the newborn has suffered an injury which prevents it crying.

3. The Vampire Diaries. Damon and Stefan are busying rounding up a herd of weresheep that have overrun Mystic Falls, when a text tells them a new doppelgänger has been born. They chase down the infant, with with Damon taking along a werelamb to torture.

If Ian Somerhalder isn't avaialble, then this can be run as a Wallace and Grommit/Shaun of the Sheep cross-over Christmas special, with Wallace and Grommit taking on the roles of Damon and Stefan. No script changes would be necessary.

4. Top Gear. Messrs Clarkson, Hammond and May are given £10,000 to buy a super car, and tasked with delivering a bag of chocolate coins, a deodorant aerosol, and joss stick to a christening. The journey is interrupted by a series of challenges, and, to make it harder, each presenter is forced to carry a camel in the car. Before the first challenge, Clarkson has used the deodorant on his camel, Hammond has eaten his chocolate coins, and James May's camel has eaten his joss stick.

5. The Shield. This is where it turns nasty. A gang boss discovers a rival has moved into town, and decides to go after the rival's newborn son the only way he knows how: by killing every infant in the 'hood.

During the episode Dutch also kill an infant; just to see what it feels like. And for light relief, a couple are encountered dressed as the Adam West/Burt Ward Batman and Robin, with Robin heard to say, "Holy innocents, Batman!"

In an unrelated sub-plot, David Marciano's character "Steve" has to help an officer of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police track down a gang of bank-robbing Santas. The wheelman's son proves to be a weak link. (Any similarities between this and the greatest ever Christmas episode are entirely intentional.)

So that's my five. But even if it doesn't turn out like that, Happy Christmas viewing.