You may be as aware as I am that many folks have already created lists of the best games of 2007 across Gamespot, the Internet, carved into their desks, tattooed onto their arms, and any other means of communication you care to mention (answers on a postcard). Whilst I have no problems with that, their inconsideration has left me without much to say that hasn't already been debated to the death by gamers worldwide over heated words and down the barrels of their lightguns. Hence the creation of The Alternative Games Awards 2007.
The idea of The Alternative Games Awards (or TAGA for those of you who are sexually aroused by acronyms) is to cover the categories that get overlooked by most people; the categories that most gamers care about. We try to steer clear of the boring, cliched arguments over "Best Graphics" or "Nicest Soundtrack" that nobody really cares about. Here, we aim to bring you the awards and distinctions that reflect the modern gamers wants and needs from their favourite hobby, and bring them directly to you. So without further ado, let's move on to our first award.
Also, for anyone who thinks that 8 days into the New Year is a little on the late side for an annual review, shut up. I've already thought of this, and for the purposes of this article I am going by the Chinese calender, which actually makes me fashionably early and also gives me a decent excuse to purchase a fresh batch of illegal fireworks.
Game Which Caused Most Arguments Award
This distinction recognises the game which caused so much nerd rage that new servers had to be set up worldwide to deal with the geek traffic that arose around them. The nominees are:
Halo 3: For XBOX fanboys drooling over it like they had found a naked picture of the DOA roster, and the PS3 fans who spent countless hours telling them they "suk kok".
MGS4: Will it come to the 360? "Only when Bill Gates changes his middle name to Blu Ray" says Konami, but that didn't stop the speculation.
Lair: Yes, we know it's crap. Yes, it has been a slow year for Sony. Sorry, what has this got to do with Lair?
And The Winner Is: Halo 3
Whether you love Master Chief or hate him, you all swarmed to the message boards in full battle garb and the resulting fallout was actually more climactic than the ending of the game.
Most Useless Squad
The Most Useless Squad is an important award which is given to the game that encourages you to work together with AI team mates who would prefer to stand around, get stuck on rocks, or simply run around in circles screaming "Oh god! They're shooting me!".
Blacksite: Area 51: The aliens are charging towards me! Luckily I have my trusty squad behind...where did they go?
Mass Effect: Lovely, fleshed out characters who were better to talk to than to fight alongside.
And The Winner Is: Mass Effect
When they weren't dying at every opportunity, they were disobeying my commands, and wasting all their biotic powers against crates without me telling them to do so. Even more annoyingly, when aiming at enemies, they'd often run through your line of sight or straight towards you, dancing between your bullets like a contestant on Strictly Come Dancing in the Matrix.
Best Use Of Portals In A Game
Portal: For a unique and fun experience involving portals which makes you think outside the companion cube.
And The Winner Is: Halo 3
Portal is a fantastic, thought provoking exercise with hilariously funny gags that make it one of the best games in recent years, but Halo 3 wins everything anyway. Ask TIME magazine.
Game Which Questions The Most Morals
Morals, morals, everywhere! Or at least they were in 2007. As the games industry grows, more and more focus is put upon the responsibility of gaming on shaping young minds. The games which threw caution to the wind and made you question your own morals either with ethical choices or brutal violence get nominated here.
Overlord: Can we be anymore evil? Look! Goblins and everything!
Manhunt 2: To kill or not to kill. Actually, not killing isn't an option.
Bioshock: The instruction manual includes a recipe book for Little Sisters, and a donation form for the NSPCC. Which will you choose?
And The Winner Is: Bioshock
The Little Sisters in Bioshock gave you the choice of being purely evil and slaughtering innocent children for your own personal gain, or saving them and becoming a playground legend. It's a tough decision, although I hear baby meat is surprisingly tender...
Best Companion Award
We all get by with a little help from our friends, and gaming offers you a fantastic array of different sidekicks. The Nominees here are to you what Robin is to Batman, Toto is to the Lone Ranger, and Torvil is to Dean.
Wrex: Big lizard man in space
Companion Cube: Big square thing that won't stab you.
Cortana: Little blue woman who isn't real.
Inspector Tequila's Pistols: Bangy things that go"woosh"
And The Winner Is: Wrex
This guy is too bad for Borstal and probably too big to fit in the building anyway. Wrex is a natural born killer who is made even angrier by the fact that his species suffers from extreme sexual frustration due to the Genophage stopping him getting it up as often as he'd like. He'll tear your head off quicker than you could say "Please tear my head off".
Best Game Not From 2007
This goes to great games I played in 2007, but were actually released in 2006.
Oblivion: More dungeons than a Dungeon Keeper minigame easter egg in Baldur's Gate.
Shadow of The Collosus: Best collection of lanky monstrosities I've ever clapped eyes on since the Support Group For Travelling Circus Freaks Involved In Chip Pan Fires gathered in my living room for their annual meeting.
And The Winner Is: Shadow Of The Collosus
I could go on about how wonderful this game is, but this is last year's news.
And there we have it. There aren't many awards this year because I've run out of baking foil to crudely fashion into vague trophy shapes. However, I'm sure you'll all agree that this ceremony truly captured the gaming industry of 2007. Next year we'll have awards for Tastiest Looking Watermelon In A Game, Hottest Monster, and Most Improved Game In Terms Of Eyebrow Rendering. Until then, I look forward to writing many new articles in 2008, and look forward to another fantastic year of gaming.
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