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Lets be honest, Chrono Trigger was released in '95, and is often hailed by many to be the best, if not one of the best, role playing games of all time. Sure people talk about its outstanding soundtrack, lush graphics, deep, involving story, etc, but they never talk about the things it doesnt have. Where's the Grand Theft Auto-like carjacking, violence and foul language that our 3-8 year olds enjoy today? Wheres the first person shooter-esque mayhem, that made games like Crysis and Call of Duty so popular? I know where its not, its not in this game! Best Game of All Time? psssh. Square is lucky its still around after releasing this game. Actually, Square should change its name to Circle, cause this game gets a big, fat zero in my book.

The characters are so cliche too! A robot named Robo? Yeah, thats about as original as fruit punch. Whats next, a cartoon cyborg named Cyborg? A robot cop named RoboCop? Heck no, not in my reality! There are also talking animals in the game. I know, its a dude who's been cursed by another dude who's evil but somehow joins you anyway to fight a bigger evil than him..or something...(actually someone had to give me the gist of the plot, cause after playing through it about six or seven times, I still didnt get it, making me more than qualified to write an impartial review). Anyway, animals should only talk in Disney Movies, or on Family Guy, anything else is wrong.

The laws of physics seem to be absent from much of the game, as your character can carry around a seemingly unlimited amount of weapons/items, etc. How many pockets does this Chrono kid have, anyway? Hes not even wearing cargo pants! And Marle and Ayla? I'm pretty sure they dont have pockets at all! Ayla is barely wearing anything at all. Maybe this game should have been rated M?

The time travel effects in this game seem pretty cool, until you start wondering, how can a kid like Lucca build a sophisticated time machine? Are these black holes? wormholes? rifts in time? Frankly, I find the whole temporal mechanics thing quite suspect and I'm sure Stephen Hawking would have issues with this game. I also suspect the designers dont even have advanced degrees in any kind of temporal/physics based field.

These issues aside, I really tried to enjoy the game, on a deeper level, as kitch, as camp, even on a spiritual level. I would light four candles before and after playing, and kneel down before my grossly oversized golden Lavos statue (just one of the thousands of pieces of Chrono Trigger memorabilia in my closet), and pray for the strength to enjoy this game. Alas, it is not to be.

Hoping to enjoy this game on some level, I finally tossed the manual and case and box in the microwave and nuked it, since opening the shrink wrap depressed me to the point where I had to be committed for a few days in an institution by my shrink, for possibly being a danger to myself and others.

In retrospect, I may have been too harsh on this game, because the microwave really went up in flames pretty quickly, much faster than the kitchen and the rest of the house. Uh oh, I'd better get out of here, its getting kinda warm. Umm in conclusion, do not buy this game, do not play this game, and definitely do not microwave this game.

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April Fools ! =P Chrono Trigger is one of my favoritest games ever! (that's right, I used the F word) Although, *glances at MAILER* I still think Secret of Mana is way better! bwa ha!