Happy July 6th! (sure , anyone can wish you a Happy 4th, but how often do people wish you a Happy 6th of July?? )
After spending my 4th of July watching a Star Wars marathon on HBO , (at least Episodes 3-6 of it), I feel the need to analyze, and I'm not currently seeing a shrink, so the blog might be the place. Keep in mind that I'm not a huge Star Wars fan, I've played a couple of the games, and I know all the actors and stuff. I dont go to the conventions wearing a metal bikini (or mow the yard in one either ), and I'm nowhere near a big a fan as Mom, who still has the DVDs of the original trilogy. Shes nice and all, for a mom, but explaining Star Wars to her is like pulling teeth.
"Which one is Leia in again"?
"The first one, mom"
"The one with Liam Neeson"?
"No, the other first one".
"The one with Han Solo"?
"Yes".
"So..wait, which is the one with that big, slimy thing"?
"Chewbacca"?
"Yes...wait, no".
"Didn't they blow up that moon thingie in the new movies"?
"Its a death star, mom"!
"Whatever"!
Like Star Wars, conversations with Mom are best if you keep them in short bursts and try not to think about them too much. I figured I'd do a brief analysis of the six movies and see where they went wrong.
Episode I: The Phantom Menace
The Good: Darth Maul looks sweet and moves like a jungle cat. Liam Neeson makes the kind of Jedi Master you'd want to train under (you know, if Yoda was busy). The secret origins of C-3PO revealed (and you thought it was cosmic radiation).
The Bad: Everything Else. Anakin is annoying, (what does Padme see in him anyway, he looks like hes 10 yrs younger than her), not big on Pod Racing. Jar Jar really makes you want to ask for your money back. Gungans are odd, and if Jar Jar is any indication, they shouldnt have all that technical know-how.
Synopsis: Life is good, until the Sith hit the scene. Luckily there's the Jedi Council to investigate (they're like Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys combined, without the threat of smugglers). Whiny slave kid convinces Jedi Master to train him, though everyone else knows hes trouble, falls in love with ruler of distant planet (proving once again that love is blind in movies). Mini war with droid army ensues, somehow freaky fish people win, when kid "accidentally" takes off in a ship and blows up the command center. Lightsaber duel commences with a two on one match (its still fair, thanks to a double lightsaber). Jedi Master dies, urges pupil to train troubled kid. Peace is made throughout the galaxy. ("But for how long".)
Episode II: Attack of the Clones
The Good: Kamino looks like a nice place to live (minus the cloners and the Seattle-like weather). We get to see Yoda and Christopher Lee go at it (this could only be better on pay per view). Anakin and Obi Wan get their butts kicked. Large battle involving several notable Jedi, including Samuel L Jackson (he's in everything!).
The Bad: weak story. Anakin and Padme continue weak romantic subplot.
Synopsis: after attempted assassination of Padme, by Dooku and the seperatists, Palpatine enlists a clone army to help defend against the threat. Whiny kid becomes angry whiny man (didnt see that one coming), fears romance with Padme is against the Jedi Code. (Why doesnt Yoda just step in and say, "dude, drop the girl, or you're out of the club, and no more free club soda".) More hands chopped off by lightsabers (80% of all lightsaber accidents happen to your hand.)
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
The Good: Yoda and Palpatine get it on (I dont know who judged the weigh in, but it was clearly unfair, though I think in a Round 2, Yoda could have taken him.) Obi Wan and Anakin get it on too (the match you've been waiting to see since ....Episode IV?). Nice flashy special effects. Palpatine is wonderfully seductive (though admittedly, it would probably only take a couple of Jack Daniels' to turn Anakin by this point).
The Bad: Padme dies for no reason, (there are other fish in the sea). Padme's classic line, "I don't know you anymore"!, only after Anakin has turned to the dark side and killed Jedi-kids in training as well as other evil deeds.
Synopsis: Whiny kid, turned angry guy Anakin finally goes dark side on friends and family. The clones are ordered to wipe out numerous hot young Jedi (and some old, scary ones too). Palpatine and Yoda reach stalemate, as do Obi Wan and Anakin. Birth of Luke/Leia/Vader. Sadly, no shots of a young Moff Tarkin frolicking in the fields of Coruscant (bummer!)
Episode IV: A New Hope
The Good: Alec Guinness, Mark Hamil. Peter Cushing as Tarkin. Lightsabers were a lot more impressive back then. (So was Harrison Ford).
The Bad: Chewbacca. Death Star looks like a balloon. Tarkin looks like he was up smoking pot the night before he destroyed Alderaan.
Synopsis: Son of angsty-guy turned Sith Lord, Luke Skywalker, with the help of Obi Wan Kenobi, and Han Solo, learns the ways of the force, saves a princess, and blows up a planet destroying station, while making it all look so easy. They use this film in UCLA screenwriting courses, as a successful film standard, because it has everything, clear protagonists and antagonists, subplots, a relatable hero, coming of age story, etc.
Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
The Good: More hands chopped off by lightsabers. Vader admits to Luke that he's his father, (but we have to wait til Episode VI for the DNA test). More Yoda. Cloud City is nice.
The Bad: Han Solo on the rocks.
Synopsis: Luke goes to Dagobah (after a brief stint with a snowman on Hoth), and is trained by Jedi Master Yoda. The Empire chases the rebels off Hoth and catches up with Han and Leia and Chewie at Cloud City, they escape with the help of Lando. Anti-climactic battle between Luke and Vader.
Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
The Good: Last movie in the series (so I can stop typing). Palpatine looks a lot creepier than in Ep. III. We learn that Vader isnt such a bad guy after all.
The Bad: Vader dies. Palpatine dies. (or is that a good thing??) Yoda dies. Lando dies. (just kidding). There is no Luke vs Palpatine epic showdown (which woulda been nice). Jabba is pug fugly, (but most people are looking at Leia in a metal bikini anyway)
Synopsis: After freeing Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt, Rebels take down 2nd Death Star, with the help of teddy bear like Ewoks. (there's something unsatisfying about Ewoks taking down Imperial Stormtroopers). Luke has final showdown with now guilt ridden angsty dad.
I'm not sure about the whole cult classic thing, but I do enjoy the original trilogy a lot more than the prequels. The storytelling is a lot better, we actually care about the characters (damn that Lando!). And we get to see Alec Guinness, who can resist that?