Hey Everybody,

My union has gone through, It's official! so check it if you ever have a hankering for some computer tech talks!

Hey Everybody,

I know it's been ages since I last put up a journal, and I don't really have anything specific to go on today, however, I just want to let everybody know that everything is going great with me.

I am still working full time, and continually thinking of projects to do on the side, which I never get around to doing, however I do think I will start my computer building and repair hobby business.

I also play Magic The Gathering every friday night with my friends, and have a website dedicated to our MTG games on fridays, if you want to visit the url is - http://manafools.tripod.com -

Anyways, thats all I've got for now,

I'll be back sometime, and keep your eyes peeled, I think something really interesting is going to hit my journal soon.

I'm sick of things, yet again, it seems like a fairly often occurence with myself, and I would like to pretend not to have the answers, but I do have them. I am not happy with myself. It seems a simple enough answer, but there is so much to it, and such a long history that has built up to this point. Yes, I have felt terrible because of this so many times before, but today, today is the worst. And even writing in my journal about my personal problems, which adds to my discord with myself.

I am however writing in my journal because I don't know where else to turn, and I have things that I need to get out right now. There are several reasons why I am unhappy with myself. Some of wich are that I eat like a pig, really I do, I eat more than I should, things that I know should last me a week will only last me a few days. And speaking of which, I should mention that I am lousy at keeping my promises, that means, that no, I didn't make the muffins last. How sad is that? Really how sad is it that I could not make 6 muffins last 6 days, it's simple enough, but no, I can't do it.... I don't know why, I can slap myself, and hit myself and tell myself that I am going to rot in hell if I pig out ( I once hurt myself so bad to try to keep from pigging out and still failed) but I can't help it, no matter how much I try. I dissapoint myself, and others, and I know this, but even still I cant help but to eat.

I spend alot of money, I don't like it, but I do it anyways. There are so many things that I like, such as, video games, magic the gathering, action figures, comic books, movies, books and computers. In August of 2004 alone, I spent 1513.39$. Thats a rediculous sum no matter how I try to defend it. I hate that I spent that much money, but I can't help it, when I see things I like, I just pay for it. I have been doing this all of my life, I just buy things that I catch my eye .... I once stole money from my brothers, around 200 dollars to give you an idea, just so that I could go out an buy something that caught my eye. Having done something like that, it's not hard to see how I can hate myself so much now is it?

Excercising, I have tried so many countless times to try to create a routine, I took martial arts, swimming, but they never ever stuck. I can't get into a routing, and now I don't even try. I feel like a failure who is so much a failure that I now would rather rot in my own self pity than to do anything about being a failure.

Now to get really personal, my parents, as much as I love them, they have been completely unfair and incompassionate to me. I never found school challenging, and because of this I didn't do my work, and my parents never asked why I didn't do my work, instead they said things like "Don't be such a moron.", and "You, child, are a dissapointment.". Even my brothers, both older and younger have treated me poorly. It didn't just stop at family mind you, the ill mannered behaviour followed me to school, where I would be told every day at least three times one of these things. "You are such a f-a-g", "Lose some weight you fat ass.", "Go home, nobody likes you." Right now, I'm laughing at the people who came up with the idea that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" because every single one of those words was burned painfully into my memories, where I will always remember how I disgust people, both at home, and at school, and even today at work, people crack jokes at my expense burning more pain into my life.

Heres a true story for you to enjoy - One day, I was standing on the outside of the circle of the cool people in elementry school, because I hoped that if i stood near enough to them, that others would think I was cool. Well on the outside of the circle no one payed much attention to me, but my parents had recently bought a brand new trampoline, and quite literally it was the only one in this small town at the time. So I invited all these cool people over so that they would accept me, but what did they do...... they entered my home, forcefully mind you, and took things, all sorts of things, they took my dads booze, my pellet gun, my brothers card collections, and money, and then they all ran. I sat there alone, crying. Never had I felt so bare, so exposed, so used.

The women of my life....... I am a reject, and they have made me know it not only with my mind, but with my heart and my soul. Since I had no friends, I sought attention from women. The logic of it was rediculous mind you, I had very few friends, so the probability of me getting a girlfriend were slim-to-nill. (except for one ..... I was in grade five, and she was in grade four, but we were the same age because I am a december baby, she was nice to me, she had a smile that warms me still to this day, I can remember how her hands felt in mine, I can remember how her dusty blonde hair flowed, and how her blue eyes shimmered. She liked me, exactly how I was, and made me for once, in a very dark time of my life, see light. I know it may sound like I was in love, but no, it was only idealistic youth, I was too young to understand the intricacies of love. We were both children. We weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend, no, we were just freinds, friends who did everything together, we sang songs, ate pizza, played in snow forts around the school yard, played games of pool together, we did our homework together, we watched movies together. We had a wonderful school year, one that I will remember for years to come, because that summer, I waited anxiously for the first day of school so that we could be together again, so that we could spend another wonderful year together, but she had moved away. I didn't even get to say goodbye. In years of misery, my only light had dissapeared. As much as I cherish that breif period of light, I am happily engaged, to a wonderful woman, whom I love with the whole of my heart. And I wouldn't change that for anything.)

Back to what I had intended to say about the women of my life.... except for my friend for a year, and my fiancee, the women of my life have treated me poorly. In grade six I eventually developed a crush, on one, Vicky Beaulac, when I finally told her that year how I felt, she laughed, and then told everybody. I was mocked, and my fragile heart maimed. In grade eight, I dared to have a crush again, on Jose, but even though I dared to crush, I told no one, and only watched her with fear and doubt clouding my mind. Finally I reach high school, And during the first semester, I develop a crush on this girl, her name is was Amanda, and for one and a half years I crushed on her, until finally at christmas, I work up the courage to tell her how I feel with a gift. Would you believe it, when I come back from the holidays, everybody knows I had a crush on her, they all laugh, again mocking me, maiming me with their words. And she, she wouldn't so much as speak to me anymore, all the hours of friendly conversation, and getting to know each other was a joke. Finally a friend introduced me to the internet, and now I say with God as my witness, internet dating is born of Satans blood for they are far to foul to be anything but Satans own kin. But at least it allowed me to illude myself into thinking that people accepted me. It was on the internet that I met Meaghan Cave, I wen't to the town over to meet her, we dated for a month, and then she left me because my best friend at the time was hotter than I was. Ashley Gerow, from Wisconsin, We assumed an online relationship, I was by now to hurt to actually attempt a real relationship, this failed miserably. Amanda Watti, we had talked for a while, until finally her little sister had arranged for me to pay a surprise visit on valentines day. I put a teddy bear with a note on her pillow while she was out, and her mom kept her downstairs with me the whole day, and finally we said goodnight, and when I got home, she was on msn waiting to talk to me, she accepted my teddy bears proposition. We dated for six months, every friday I would walk for two hours just to go and see her for four hours until I was picked up by my dad. In rain, and snow I walked. And she ignored me, she played her video games, completely oblivious to me, and when she did wan't to go out to do something, I was too tired from my two hour walk to go out. She left me because "you never wan't to do anything other than sit on the couch watching tv" (mind you I was watching tv because she was playing her video games) A six month delusion, in which I became attached to her. She hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before, to this day.

Haily Burke, I met her on the internet, we got together, we dated for a week following, she broke up with me because she just didn't feel for me. During that week she was ..... well, she rubbed me in ways that no woman had ever rubbed me before. She made me feel attractive, she made me feel wanted, she made me feel special, and then she left.

She introduced me to a friend of hers, Sheela, I was feeling so alone, and unwanted, and ugly at this point that I wasn't sure about even getting into another relationship, but I met with sheela, and the day we met, she had put my hands down her pants. I felt good again, and I wanted this feeling to last. So me and Sheela became girlfriend and boyfriend, we were dating. VERY soon into the relationship, three days after we started dating to be exact, she had me come over to her house, where she had me touch her, and she touched me, and things escalated, soon we were naked, and well.... there is no nice way to put it because it wasnt an act of love, it was carnal, it was sin, it was something to regret forever, and ever, but we did it anyways, because I needed to feel like I was special. We broke up after three weeks. I ended it because I was losing my mind, I knew what I was doing was wrong, and It was coming out in my behaviour, I was a monster.

Haily looked me up again, we got together, just for a day, we talked, and then she tried to kiss me, I freaked out, and broke into tears, I was a shattered person, falling apart infront of another person. I told her "I'm sick, I feel so used, torn, hurt, I can't take it any more, I hate who I am, I hate what I am. I need someone who actually cares about me." and she said, "don't worry, I do care for you, so much." Amidst my tears, we kissed, and she pulled me close and told me to make love to her, I don't know why I let myself do it, but I did it, but again it wasnt an act of love, just a cry for love, just a hope that I could have what it was that I needed. We had sex that day, under the pretense of true compassion, dear god, there is nothing I regret more than this. I called her the very next day, to see how she was, but there was no answer, I called every hour for the rest of the night, with no answer. I called the next day, and the next, and the next, calling every couple of hours, desperate to hear something other than, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. I was abandoned, again. She called me the next week and told me, she told me there wouldn't be anything more between us.

I am completely broken. And in this state of complete emptiness, complete failure, of complete breakdown, I will divulge to the world, my darkest secret. I found another person on the internet. I met her, but......... there was something wrong, with her, I don't know what it was, but it was a mental handicap, I know that much for sure. But I dated her anyways. I was so broken, that I dated someone who wasn't capable of normal thought, I took advantage of her handicap so that I could feel like I was important to someone, so I could feel special. This is the hardest thing for me to say, something that makes me now, want to vomit at the thought. This makes me feel as if I as a person should not exist, but would do the world better to be ashes in a tomb and a soul burning in hell, for it was so wrong. This thing that was so wrong of me, is that I tried to coax her into having sex with me. I the disgusting person that I am, tried to coax a handicap girl into having sex with me. Today I just thank god that I never did have sex with her, because if I had, I know I couldn't sleep at night, I wouldn't be able to live with myself, of all the things I am sure of, I am sure that if I had intercourse with her, I would be dead today, by my own hand. I have never told anyone this, and not because I didn't want to, but because I am so ashamed of it that I can hardly bear to think of what I have done.

After I ended the relationship with the handicap girl, I had two more dates, one with a teenage mother, whose daughter was absolutely adorable, and the second with who is now my fiancee. She is the only thing that keeps me sane these days. And may she never forget how much I love her, for all the days of her life.

My other failures........ I used to smoke pot, regularly, during grade nine and ten, this was a failure because it had always been against my morals to smoke pot, and still is. I needed an outlet so that I could fit in at school.

I have tried to kill myself, to a total of twice, to this date, the first time, by tightning a belt around my neck, which is what inspired my journal "pounding, pulling, dying" and the second, I was going to throw myself in a river, and let myself be carried away and drown, but as I reached the river bank, the most frightning bark boomed through the forest, just one single bark. (if a dog barks at something, it usually barks more than once, right? I know that other than that one time, I have never heard a dog bark once, and especially such a soul shattering bark) That bark scarred me enough to deter me from the river. Suicide attempts are failures in my eyes because I put such a high value on the human life, and I am a failure because I obviously have no value on my own life.

On may 24/2004 I promised my fiancee that I would not get drunk when I went camping with my older brother and his friends, I made a promise, but I failed, I drank too fast, and before I realized it, I was drunk, and while I was drunk, I just kept drinking, more and more and more and more.

Thats everything, thats why I hate who I am, and pray to god, every night that I may find peace, because I can't find it alone. And without peace, without love of myself, I can't trust myself, and this is hurting the one closest to me.

Please God, Help me find the Peace that I need, so that I may love myself, and those dearest to me.

Hey Everybody,

In light of the recent incident in Asia, I thought that I should say a word or two. The way people are acting about the Tsunami is .... well I don't have any pleasant words for it. So many people just wont stop yammering about how it is a horrible, terrible, unthinkable tragedy, and how bad they feel about this happening. But these same people are doing NOTHING about it. They just sit, and talk. It bothers me a great deal how people will express such strong feelings about a situation, but take no action to do anything with the situation. Now don't get me wrong, what happened in Asia is a bad thing, but bad things happen, all the time.

Also, Everything is blown out of proportion by people. Yes, 140 thousand people died because of this Tsunami, but think about it, how many people died at Hiroshima? Nagasaki? How many people have died due to smoking in the history of the human race? It's incalculable. So I don't think it's reasonable to get so overblown about this single incident. So everybody, sit back, and think about a bigger picture before you get so excited about the little things.

If ignorance is bliss, does being intelligent cause unhappiness?

Desire causes suffering. All humans have desire. To be free from desire is to be free from suffering. This is the human condition. - Siddhartha Guatama

Hey Everybody,

How have you all been, I haven't been on to say much lately, I know. I've been pretty busy since Christmas Eve, and I still don't have a clue what to write about in here. I got my keyboard finally, its a Thermaltake Xaser keyboard with office short keys, it took almost a month. I also picked up a copy of Half Life 2, and I have to say, I am enjoying that game immensely! I also got a set of 2.1 speakers, yes it was a downgrade from my 5.1 surround, but the sound is louder, and far more crisp, and 5.1 surround is unnecessary.

I've also been reading a fantastic book called "A short history of progress". It is a very interesting book, outlining the history of the human race, and theorizing about what we are going to do to ourselves as a species. I would suggest this read for anyone who enjoys anthropology.

So... I don't have much else to say for now, but stay tuned folks. I have been thinking of something special for my journal.

Good night all.

Hey Everybody,

It is Christmas day today, just want to wish you all a very merry Christmas.

Hey Everybody,

It's Christmas Eve! Need I say more? Up Up Get up! Christmas is coming, Christmas is coming, it's almost here!

I won't be here to write in my journal for the next couple days, so I'm going to just say:

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!!! May you all be filled with holliday cheer!

BOOM.........................

BOOM...........................

BOOM..............................

Pounding, so very loud, every heart beat is deafening. The sweat is beaded all over me, my cold, still body. Shivering, in the dark of my room, my vision blurred. From my mouth, saliva dripping.

Strewn around my room, my things, a blanket, a belt, the clothes from my back. One foot up on the bed, on my back, on the floor.

I wasn't ready when he came, so very dark, he pulled at me, felt like my heart was sinking, sinking, sinking, sinking. Into a deep, dark place, never to be found again. So much pain as it is pulled from me, unbearable pain, sinking pain.

Nothing to save me now, being pulled apart from the inside, hold on no longer, fading to black.

Death isn't glorious, it isn't pretty. It's dark, and painful. When he, death, comes for you, he will pull at your heart, pulling it from not your body, but your soul, death will take the heart from your soul. Worse yet is to be dying alone, to look for help, and find nothing but a cold and empty room. No one to keep deaths icy grip from your heart. Uterly, Alone, Uterly, Empty.

Something to ponder from: Kyle Miller

Hey Everyone,

There is only 2 more days till the big man comes down the chimeny!

Hey Everybody,

Yeah you heard me, there is only three more days until Christmas, But I suppose no one is reading my journals anymore seeing as how I got no replies to my last journal, but thats ok.

I don't know about you guys, but I am getting giddy about Christmas, it is so so very close!