For the past few years, I've been in one heck of a rut. The last time I *truly* felt happy and in control of my life was November 2001. I know that the country was in turmoil after 9/11 but 2001, for the most part, was a pretty good year for me. I won money in Vegas which allowed me the opportunity to quit a part-time job I hated. I joined Weight Watchers and lost over 55 lbs by Christmas that year. I was "in therapy" to get over some family and relationship issues. I had all of my friends close and I was still in the "I really like my job" phase of starting a new position with my current company. Then, things just sort of went down hill after that. I blew out a disk in my back. I spent all of the money I had won in Vegas. There was no overtime at work. I had to go back to the part time job I hated. I was diagnosed with diabetes and depression at the same time and the meds drained me of energy. I started to gain back the weight I lost because I didn't have time or energy to exercise and it was easier with my schedule to do my meals "grab and go" (lots of take out and fast food and high calorie/high sodium pre-packaged meals.) I hardly had time for friends and they sort of drifted away (by choice, due to marriage, due to babies, due to jobs, etc.) I didn't do anything to maintain the friendships. During the course of the past few years, I've let myself slip deeper and deeper into a self-distructive phase. I've pushed away many of my closest friends. I hardly go out. I am starting to hate my "job" because of the monotony and the "high school" atmosphere. I have been wallowing in misery and haven't been able to pull myself out of it. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I hate that in the middle of the night there's no one I can really call "just to talk." I hate that I come home, eat dinner, watch tv, surf the net and go to bed. There's no fun, romance, excitement or challenge in my life. If I were a color, I'd be beige. So-- the other day, I was eating lunch with a co-worker and we were lamenting together our sucky jobs, poor eating habits and ho-hum social lives. She asked me, "If you could do anything for a living, what would you do?" Without even thinking, I said, "I'd sell home-made soap, eventually open my own make-it and take-it soap business/craft business." It just rolled off of my tongue. I told her how envious I was of a friend of mine who was able to parlay a hobby into a career and how I wished I could do something like that-- find something I love to do, can do well and then find a way to make money off of it. Since that conversation, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and pondering about my life. I feel my best when I'm totally in control of my life and know exactly what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and where I'm going with it. I've felt out-of-control for 3 1/2 years now. That's time I'll never get back. Precious moments wasted. I've never considered myself one of those people who say, "I have no control of my life." I've always been a changer. I never understood the people who would whine and complain about how awful their marriages, careers and home-life were. I'd always think, "If you know there's something wrong, why don't you just shut up and fix it?" It's time for me to apply that philosophy to my own life. Again. I'm taking back my life. I did it once. I can do it again. I promised myself that I'd spend the next 30 days concentrating on making change in my life. Good change. Positive change. I'm hoping that things will snowball.... that one good day will turn into two and two will turn into three.... I started last night by beginning to take control of my environment. I'm not a messy person. I'm not a dirty person. But, I have this spare bedroom which has become a catch-all for empty boxes, clothing that doesn't fit anymore, toys/gadgets I bought on a whim and then left to collect dust, etc. I'm trying to streamline and simplify. I hauled out two old broken printers to the dumpster last night (and watched as a neighbor went and hauled them back to her apartment as soon as I placed the boxes near the dumpsters)and did a few other little "tidy up" things. Today, I went to the gym, then went to TARGET and bought some cleaning supplies and trash bags. I've paid my bills for the week. I've begun my laundry already. I know it may not sound like much-- or sound any different than any other weekend chore-- but if I can get control of my environment, then maybe I can get control of life again. Stay tuned for more updates. :)