...is what I been thinking about all GD morning, worrying it like a loose tooth. It all started when I received a press release announcing that Mastiff has "acquired the Major League Eating (MLE) license for interactive platforms."

!

Mastiff have previously published such titles as Gurumin and Pump It Up: Exceed, and I recommend viewing this trailer in order to a) reassure yourself that video games have gone bizarro before and you haven't yet gone insane (hopefully) and b) feel slightly pervy. Now back to the matter at hand.

MAJOR LEAGUE EATING. For the sake of brevity, I won't go into... what the... hold on. Click that link there for a second and look in the News window on the right side. Just when I thought I had had my fill of weirdness for the day, I see an article titled JANUS EATS A FOOTBALL! Sweet merciful ZEUS. Apparently it was some sort of Super Bowl halftime stunt billed as "a strong family friendly option considering Mr. Tom Petty often celebrates drug use in his songs." I am down the effing rabbit hole here and I am starting to fear I'll never emerge. As I was saying, I won't go into my thoughts on making a sport out of eating mass quantities of food very quickly for the sake of my sanity, so suffice to say I think it is not cool.

But hey, there are a lot of things that aren't cool in real life that are cool in video games, like vehicular manslaughter, picking your nose, and shooting people in the face, so maybe there something to MLE: TG. Let's read on:

"Major League Eating: The Game features the world's greatest gurgitory [Love it. You know I'm a sucker for big words. Especially ones that don't exist in any online dictionary] athletes competing across twelve different food types. Built much like a fighting game, MLE: The Game requires players to show brilliant on-screen eating; a mastery of offensive and defensive weapons including burps, belches, and mustard gas [Wario: Unlockable character or final boss?]; and of course the technical mastery necessary to avoid emptying one's stomach in a vividly colored reversal of fortune.[BARF]"

So which is scarier, that description of an actual game in the works, or the fact that, despite my initial shock and dismay, the game sounds kind of awesome? For me, it's the latter. As I mentioned, I've literally been thinking about this all morning. I truly hope this game features some bizarrely named actual championship eaters pounding all sorts of realistically rendered foodstuffs and belching in each other's faces, because then it will replace my eager anticipation with queasiness and I won't feel so conflicted. However, I think the best thing this game could bring into my life is stories of kids knocking out their teeth as the frantically shovel the Wii Remote towards their faces in an effort to beat their friends at Asparagus.

Anything to help us close out here, Bill?

"Major League Eaters aren't just elite athletes," says Bill Swartz, Head Woof at Mastiff. "They are the people who built America. Or at least the competitive eating part of America. And I am deeply honored that the International Federation of Competitive Eating and Major League Eating choose Mastiff as their exclusive videogame partner."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

***BONUS CONTENT - NOT FOR THE EASILY NAUSEATED, WEAK OF MIND, OR THOSE WITH A FAMILY HISTORY OF DEMENTIA***

Now picture this, dear reader. Chubby American kids playing Major League Eating: The Game while hooked up to a Gamercize Power Stepper or Endurance Cycle, devices which will pause the game if the child is not exercising enough. Young portly folks trying to lose weight and develop healthy habits while playing a game about inhaling vast quantities of food for the sake of inhaling vast quantities of food. You can't make this stuff up!

NOTE: Children not to scale.