We Like Buttons

The console war is just around the corner, and fan boys everywhere are getting their panties in a wad. All you hear is "Wii is a dum namb it 2 sux!" "PS3 is knot 4 teh poorR iTsuxorz" and "XbOOx iz mades bi M$ that means it sux!" And while I don't mind idiots expressing their opinion, I would like it if I could kill whoever decided it would be a good idea to get them a computer. Nothing personal.

You see, ever since the advent of the TV, one thing about humans has become painfully clear: We like buttons. The monkey in us has to have buttons strapped to waists on phones and pagers. We have to have them in our backpacks on PDAs, and Laptops. We have them in our cars in GPSs, cruise Control and radios. The monkey in all of us is a button wh***.

If you're still not convinced of this, lets map the acquisition of buttons in an typical adult's life:

First, we buy a house or apartment, which has breakers, light switches, faucets and other buttons that we flip, push, and even sometimes snap constantly.

But this isn't enough buttons. We need more buttons. So we buy things to put in our domicile that have buttons themselves: Microwaves, d*ld*s, refridgerators, electric b*tt-pl**s, hairdryers, vibrating s*x dolls, computers, or my favorite: the TV.

Now the TV, of course, doesn't seem have enough buttons itself, so we buy more things to add to it to get EVEN MORE buttons. We buy VCRs, DVD players, Universal remotes, and the subject of todays little talk: the gaming system.*

And then for this system, what do you have to have? A controller, a light gun, a glove, and a headset. All with TONS of buttons!

We are literally paying thousands of dollars to have these buttons. So the question arises: How do we tell which buttons to purchase CJ? Help us!

And because that's all I'm here to do, help you, I spent almost minutes compiling data and building my ATBR (Awesomeness-To-Button-Ratio) Theorm to help you decide which console to purchase so you can get the buttons you want and need. Also I've added in some one-liner launch game reviews and an overview of each system. You're welcome.

Theorm Breakdown:
The scale for the ATBR Theorm is 1-100% depending on the theoretical maximum amount of awesome that a button could potentially contain. The scale ranges between:

100% - After pressing the button it spawns a naked supermodel who cleans my house, makes me dinner, and then proceeds to give me a bl**j*b.

1% - When I press the button it burns down my house, reports me to the RIAA, and implants a small chip in my head that feeds a constant stream of Nora Roberts directly into my brain.

To arive at an overall percentage, we take all the awesomeness ratings for each button, average all of the buttons together and divide by a number that I pick at random. Then that number is run through a dehydrater, sealed in a plastic bag, and shipped to NASA for further testing. Then the number is returned in an official envelope marked "RETURN TO SENDER - Please stop sending these to us CJ" where the number is compared to various fruits. Or alternately, if I have to get this posted on Gamespot before my connection flakes out again, I just make up a number.

This number is the Total ATBR. This is an exact science and must NOT be altered.

The Systems:


Nintendo Wii

Overview:
The Wii, sporting an awfully goofy name, looks to be built off of Ipod technology and the "We hate lots of buttons" mentality. I haven't actually seen a Wii (snicker) but from all the screenshots I've seen it looks to be about 500 ft. tall and made of porcelain. But, despite this seemingly expensive construction it's retailing for the low price of $250 USD or about $3,867 Canadian.

Launch Games:
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess - Nintendo remembers that we never asked for a gay little cartoon Link.
Metroid Prime 3: Corruption - Stars a videogame girl that doesn't take her clothes off; bor-ring.
Wii Sports - Not to be convused with "Water Sports" (search for that in Limewire and you'll get that joke).
Madden NFL 2007 - In case you can't get off your but to play the real thing.
Dragon Quest Swords: The Masked Queen and the Tower of Mirrors - As an anacronym is extremely f***ing long.
Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz - -10 points for bad pun referring to an even worse TV show.
Trauma Center: Second Opinion - Trauma Centers take the time for a Second Opinion?
Elebits - Nintendo forgets that we never asked for a Pikimin clone.
Rayman Raving Rabbids - Beating up bunnies? Count me in.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Creature from the Krusty Krab - Dear. God. No.
Disney/Pixar's Cars - Another movie to game adaptation that I'm sure will rock like all the others before it.

ATBR: 3% - The Wii will have to spread its thin veil of awesomeness over about 12 buttons, which doesn't bode well for the system. If it didn't launch with a Spongebob game, it would have scored around a 23%.


Playstation 3

Overview:
Capitalizing mostly on name, and the confusion that there are enough losers with enough free money to buy it, the PS3 will sport the super-powerful CELL processor. It's not all rosey news about a low-low $600 (that's 5 billion Canadian) price tag since according to my 5th grade science book, only living things have cells. This knowledge coupled with my intimate familiarity with the Terminator series leads me to the conclusion that the PS3 will become self-aware and destroy humanity as we know it. By my calculations this won't be a big loss, though it may make tech support hold times unusually long.

Launch Games:
Resistance: Fall of Man - Some guy gets sick and goes around shooting things.
NBA 07 - Now you can see the guy in the third row hurl his hotdogs and beer at 1080p.
Genji: Days of the Blade - Run around and hit things with a sword. (Not to be confused with the Final Fantasy Series)
Blazing Angels Squadrons of WWII - A completely original game that's also availabe on the Xbox, Xbox 360, PC, and the Wii (snicker).
Call of Duty 3 - Good thing they're releasing another World War II first-person shooter. There just aren't enough of them.
Fight Night Round 3 - Just what you want to see: Two sweaty guys in boxers beating each other's meat.
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - About as fun as golf, but with a sword. Come to think of it, golf with a sword would be pretty d*** fun.
Need For Speed Carbon - Carbon's atomic symbol is C, which is what I give this game.
Sonic the Hedgehog - The camera will drive you bat-s*** insane.
Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Vegas - At least they stopped numbering these. What is Ranbow Six 2? Rainbow 12?

ATBR: 4% - While the PS3 has anywhere in the vicinity of 12-14 buttons, it has some real issues with its look. Ignoring that it looks to be impossible to stack something on top of it, it has chrome trim on the premium version. Chrome trim on your PS3 is like chrome trim on your car from Wal-Mart. You might as well cover it in Christmas lights because it looks stupid.


Xbox360

Overview:
Microsoft decided to skip 359 other iterations of Xbox and jumped straight to this one. It features an HD-DVD player, a controller that you can get some great distance with, and a lot of the color green. It comes in two versions:
The Premium version, the more expensive one, which comes with a remote, a Hard Drive, a Wireless Controller, Xbvox Live Silver, a Headset, Component HD AV Cable and the cure for Cancer.
The Core system, the cheaper of the two, comes with an "I.O.U. 1 Worthwhile Game System" and some dust. Oh, and a nice cardboard 360 box.

Launch Games:
Amped 3 - Any game with commercials this dumb can't be worth anyone's time.
Condemned - A game about a guy in a jail with bad things.
Kameo: Elements of Power - A game about turning into fluffy cute things.
The Outfit - Probably some sort of Barbie game.
Project Gotham Racing 3 - Between Project Gotham and the Xbox, it's becoming apparent that Microsoft doesn't understand the phrase "Working Title"
Quake 4 - A completely original game about aliens who come to earth to do mean things to us.
Ridge Racer 6 - The sixth in a series of racing games that probably has ridges in it somewhere.
Tony Hawk's American Wasteland - Another Tony Hawk game that ties up some of the loose ends from the previous games.

ATBR 2%: The 360 has 13 buttons but doesn't pack enough punch for them. In fact, the only thing that keeps the 360 from earning even less is that it has Xbox Live which allows you to get online and talk to people just as uninteresting as yourself. That aside lets hope that I don't need 2 Service Packs and 70-something updates before my console will read my sound card.


Conclusion:
Buy a Dreamcast.



                                                                              -cjdaweasel





*I have it on very good authority that the first videogaming system was just a mass of buttons and levers. I believe it was called "The Saxaphone".