The world is a big place, full of confusing electronic devices, most of which are from the future and want to kill you. How do you stay safe in these turbulent times? While moving to the forest and hiding in a shack seems like a good idea, its no fun crapping in the woods, and getting a pizza delivered is more trouble than its worth.

So to help you, I've made this guide to help you understand your computer. Crafted from old Nintendo Power magazines and specifically for old peop… erm… any person who wants to know about computers but doesn't have a lot of time to read a book I give you:

Evil Machines: A Primer Guide

The best place to start when talking about computers is the big shiny box with all the little pictures on it. This is called the monitor, which is so named not because you can monitor what your computer is doing, but so the internet can monitor you. This replaces an ancient inefficient system used back in the 90s where we would have to wait until you went on vacation before we could break in and bug your house. By the way, nice wallpapering job in the living room.

The first thing you'll want to know is what kind of computer you have. This can be done by looking at the left hand side of the screen (turn it on first). There, you will find either a multi-colored window or an apple. If you have a window, congratulations! You are part of the horde of Windows users that make up 90-95% of the computer base. This is means you are unoriginal and easily lead. If you have an apple, congratulations! You have purchased an Apple Computer. This means you are easily influenced by commercials. If you have a Tandy or Xerox logo, congratulations! You need to upgrade to a computer made in this century.

If you follow the cords from your monitor (remember, the big bright box), one will go to the outlet, and the other to another box. This other box is called a desktop or tower. The term "tower" originated when the first computer was built by IBM in 1538. During a war, England was able to post archers on top of the tower to defend the city of London from the French. These towers were quickly dubbed Turing machines.

These ancient computers get their name from their ability to "Turn" equations into easy-to-use numbers such as long, incredibly complicated strings of 1's and 0's. Unfortunately the letter "N" was not invented till 1605 so it was simply called a "Turing" machine.

Nowadays though, these towers are smaller and can actually fit on top of a desk. Also, the term computer has taken over giving us the obvious name: desktop computer. However, names are not the only thing about computers that have changed. Computers today are made out of silicon, replacing the more cumbersome vacuum tubes. These vacuum tubes were the size of houses and replaced an older system of trained rodents operating kerosene lanterns (the origin of the computing phrase "using a mouse"), which replaced the even older system of lead piping used by the Romans.

But enough with history, what is the computer made up of? The computer consists of three main components: The CPU, memory, and manual.

The CPU, or brain of the computer, is a piece of silicon made of tiny little jail cells. In these cells, tiny little bugs work on tiny little Abacuses tirelessly to make sure that yahoo.com displays properly for you. They are kept there, working in a sweatshop of numbers, with only one fan on top to cool them. This is why it is important to keep your computer in a well ventilated area.

The memory, or warehouse of the computer, is the place where all the work is stored until the CPU needs it again. When one of the bugs from the CPU escapes and hides in the upper memory area (which has the best real estate) it shacks up with your otherwise productive programs, drinks too much and causes trouble. This type of issue is generally referred to as having a "bug" in the program. When the bug gets loose, the CPU has to shut down and send out a special police program called a debugger. This debugger finds the bug and returns him to the CPU so it can start working again. Since a program telling the bug it can come to the upper memory area is against the law, this is known as an illegal instruction.

The computer lets you know what is happening by displaying a helpful error screen. However, unless you are a Nobel Laureate these strange symbols will mean nothing to you. This is because the machine is talking to you in "machine code" and as a human your mind is too weak and fragile to understand what it is saying, but rest assured that the issue is being taken care of. Computers are holy, blameless creatures that should not be questioned.

The manual, or manual of the computer, is useless and should be discarded immediately. The manual only contains useless pieces of paper with strange writing on it that you can't possibly understand. Plus, it has a number printed on the inside cover that, since you already discarded it, will give you a reason to argue with Dell tech support. It's a conversation starter more than anything.

And that's the basics of a computer. Hope you found this fun and informative. Next time we'll discuss things such as:

Can I do other things with a browser than just browse?

What is a Linux user, and how do I avoid them like the plague?

My Inbox is empty. How do I fill it up with worthless junk?

And much more!