10 Reasons Why I'm Glad Videogames Aren't Real

Master Chief is pretty cool. Along with Armitage, Killer Clowns from Outer Space, and Lacey Chabert's underwear. In fact, I wouldn't mind being any of those. Well, except Armitage. Robot babies from the future really isn't my thing*.

But especially Master Chief, since that would automatically bring me the "badass" title. Being able to fly around the galaxy shooting things has a grandeur about it that is only matched by flying around the universe shooting things.

However, as awesome as it might be, it's probably a good thing that it isn't real. For one thing, I'm not willing to have my DNA altered just so I can wear some clunky, puke-green battle armor. Also, I'm not a big fan of getting shot at. Bullets whizzing over my head only mean one of two things:

A) I'm in a war.

B) Uncle Jim is drunk again.

Neither of which is very appealing. But this still doesn't make me stop thinking "Damn that is cool". I sympathize with anyone who feels the same about any number of fictional videogame characters, but this doesn't stop me from realizing how incredibly infantile the whole process is. It also doesn't stop me from making fun of it.

So in the interests of not keeping the peace, I give you 10 reasons why I'm glad videogames aren't real. Enjoy or else.

10. Big Boobs

I'm not going to argue with you about the fact that big boobs turn any hot woman into an even hotter woman, or any ugly woman into an ugly woman with big boobs. I do take issue with the absurd assumption we would want this in the real world. Boobs are great and all, but when they're so big that tiny dwarves can hide behind them, it's a sign it's time to get some surgery. Besides, there could be tiny dwarves stalking you right now and you wouldn't even know it. And that's scary.

9. Guns, Bullets, Bad

I don't know if you know this, so I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Bullet wounds hurt. A lot. If indeed FPSs were real and we could take twenty pistol shots to the chest, we'd all still be writhing in pain for much longer than would be acceptable to kill the next room full of DeathGuards.

8. NPCs

When most of us picture ourselves in a videogame we immediately assume that we're going to be the hero, running around saving people, shooting aliens and being a general "Ninja with a Gun". What most fail to note is that most games are FILLED with characters whose only job is to spout one line of dialogue or sell wooden shields. So unless your idea of a dream job is one where you stand on a corner and say "WELCOME TO GOFGAVILLE ADVENTURER!" for the rest of your natural life, I think it's better that we at least get to do other things once in a while, like selling wooden shields.

7. Ancients

If there's one thing that game characters must get sick of, it's having to constantly fight some "ancient" something. In battle after battle, game after game, it's an ancient evil that's been around for centuries, and for some reason just now decided to become p****d off. We should count our lucky stars that Abraham Lincoln doesn't come back from the dead every hundred years just to pick a fight with some teenager and lose.

6. Clothing

If there's one thing I think everyone who's done any cosplay (read: loser) can appreciate is that it's a good thing that clothing in videogames aren't catching on. They're always needlessly complicated with straps that don't do anything, hoodies with no sleeves, or some other nonsense that make Snoop Dogg look like a French fashion designer. Don't even get me started on whatever the heck Rinoa is wearing in Final Fantasy 8. Her dress is the illegitimate child of a pair of gym shorts and a sweater.

5. Super Evil Job Market

Excluding Republicans, we really don't have to worry about any great big bad guy coming along and screwing it all up for us. There isn't much of a market in the real world for a Mad Scientist, and giant robots are hard to hide from UN inspections. The closest we've ever gotten was Hitler all he did was bomb a bunch of people and kill himself in a bunker. Not quite The Covenant Armada.

4. Sequels

You don't have to worry about Konami coming along two decades after your death, resurrecting you, and making a crappy spinoff called Your : Act Zero, and then selling overpriced copies of your pitifully remade self. Once you're dead, you're dead. Game Over.

3. Amnesia

I can't count the number of characters in video games who wake up one day and don't remember who they are. It's a big plus that here in reality the majority of us can remember the little things like our names and that this isn't our bed we're peeing in. And we can accomplish this even after consuming copious amounts of alcohol the previous night. In the videogame world, amnesia has reached epidemic proportions, and nobody seems interested in curing it. This isn't surprising since the all the scientists in games are either evil or have been eaten by zombies.

2. Boss Battles

Almost every videogame has some big bad dude that you have to kill in order to progress any further. While I'm not arguing that boss battles, say on your way to work every day, wouldn't liven up your life, I'm just a bit skeptical that the following lawsuits would be worth the trouble. I can see it now:

Judge: You, CJ, are charged with assaulting your Shift Leader at Denny's with a deadly weapon, first degree murder, and theft. Is this correct?

CJ: Yes, your honor.

Judge: You plead, and I quote, "He had the Archangel's Boxer Shorts of Protection, which I needed to fight the Lich King. After I defeated him I was awarded with three dollars and twenty-five cents."

1. Save Points

While initially this sounds like a good idea, since you can replay that night that you banged one of your sister's friends over and over again, do realize that everyone will have it too. All humans will have the ability to do everything as many times as they want with no penalties attached. We'd all be living in a world that was about 2 days long, where nothing bad happened, and everyone simultaneously picks the winning lottery numbers. You could never really die and Shatner will be able to make as many albums as he wants, for eternity. Sounds like hell to me.

-cjdaweasel

*If you get that joke add +1 to your YOU RULE attribute.