From Places Where It's Easy to Steal News
Mom Microwaves Baby
The Story in Brief:
In a hearing regarding the case of China Arnold, who microwaved her 3 1/2 week old daughter Paris Talley in 2005, the judge ruled statements made by Arnold on the day Paris died were admissible. Arnold never admitted putting the baby in the microwave.
You know the good ole days when people used to kill themselves in the oven? These days we can't even bother with that. We have to zap-fry our kids if we want them dead. Also, what do you suppose the Conventional Oven instructions are for a child under the age of two?
Cellphone kills Woman
The Story in Brief:
Rachel Begg was imprisoned for causing a fatal accident by texting while driving. Begg rear-ended the car of Maureen Waites, 64, who was driving to the airport. Begg, 19, used her phone 9 times during the 15 minute journey which ended in the crash.
Well that does it. This unequivocally proves something about cars that I think we all already knew: Women can't drive.
Someones set Application up the Bomb
The Story in Brief:
Emergency crews evacuated an Eastern Illinois University building Friday, after a campus postal carrier discovered a disheveled-looking package heading for the college's admissions office. "There was no return address, it was poorly written, poorly addressed to the university, there were misspellings," school spokeswoman Vicki Woodard said Saturday. "There was some tape over it. Just the overall appearance was rather strange."
Having your dorm room jokingly declared to be a "Biohazard Disaster Area" is one thing, but having your college application confused for a bomb takes ineptitude of the highest order. If you don't put a return address on your application, the terrorists win.
Captain America Gropes Woman
The Story in Brief:
A doctor accused of groping a woman while he was dressed as comic book superhero Captain America has agreed to apologize to her as part of a bid to avoid trial, his lawyer said.
Donald Duck joined the Nazis.
What does he get? Nothing
Private Snafu lost a whole series of battles for us in World War II.
What does he have to do? Nothing
Capatain America gropes some woman.
And what does he have to do? Publically apologize or go to court. He's been framed.
The Japanese Hate Whales
The Story in Brief:
The Humane Society International (HSI) on Tuesday accused Japan of whaling pregnant whales this southern hemisphere summer. Overall, Japan killed 505 minke whales, 262 of which were gestating, according to the HSI.
I guess they had to try that new microwave baby reciepe.
"Mom Microwaves Baby" "Cellphone kills Woman" "Japanese Hate Whales" all pulled from Shortnews.com
"Someones set up Application the Bomb" "Captain America Gropes Woman" all pulled from MSNBC.com