Give it up 

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend, and of course, came whining to me about it. I tried to give him the two ole speeches: "You'll find another" and F*** that B*** (what can I say I'm a romantic at heart).

Failing this I realized that there wasn't any reason to believe that: A) There was another girl out there for him or B) That he would find another better for him. So I did a little bit of research on a few common "errors" that most people in relationships make and tried to settle the score:

First of all, the most common phrase in relationships, or rather movies about relationships is "You're one in a million". This I find to be a grossly insulting insinuation.  There are currently 6.5 billion people on earth, which means that even if you are 1 in a million, there are give or take 6,500 people just like you. That's a little over 500 soccer teams. While that last sentence proved nothing, it gave me an excuse to use my expensive graphing calculator.

Let's pretend that you can't follow a logical pattern and/or you can't do math, so you don't believe me. Since she broke up with you, there's a 1 in 1 million chance (better than your chance of winning the lottery) that she's going to end up stuck with someone just like you anyway. Serves her right.

Another wonderfully worthless saying is that "You'll never find another girl like her". First of all, WHY THE F*** WOULD YOU WANT TO? Do you want to be dumped AGAIN? But let's assume that you're a dumba** and you want to get back with someone just like her.

Let's say again that there are 6.5 billion people in the world. According to our census data, 56-60% of the world is female. Yes, most of the world is female, straight men and lesbians rejoice.

Now, since I'm lazy and need to come up with an excuse to use a nice round number, let's assume the best possible scenario - 60% of the world is straight women. That means that there is about 3 billion women (3.9 rounded down) in the world. According to the Human Genome Project there are about 20-25,000 protein-coding genes arranged in combinations of G,A,T,and C. This works up to something almost like 8 trillion different combinations. Basically: It ain't happenin. Get over it.

But the good news is that there are about 3 billion women in the world. But, let's assume (yes, yet again) that you've met "The One". Not Neo.

Just to make my point I'm going to over-compensate the numbers. I'm going to assume that the ladies love you, and you get around. So I'm going to say that you've met everyone in the USA. That's a tad over 300 million people, 60% of which are female, which works out to 180 million women that you've met. You dog you. Now of that group, let's say that you've dated 50% of them. Personally I've never known anyone who's dated 50% of the women that they've met, but let's just assume that you're the stud that I think you are.

That means that you've dated 90 million women (at 5 dollars a pop that's about 450 million in flowers alone). Why the interest in this number? Well, if you've dated 90 million women, AND there are 3 billion women in the world that means that you've met 6% of the women the world has to offer and only dated 3%. No search in any field of study would be considered complete if you've neglected 97% of the applicable sources. Which means that  because you've seen the shoes of more people than you've dated, you have a better chance of knowing who has the coolest shoes in world than if the person you are with really is "The One".

What does all this prove other than I can use TI-83+? It proves that chasing the Hollywood dreams of the perfect romance is not only statistically improbable, and scientifically impossible, its F***ing stupid. Get over her and get the new Virtua Fighter game. At least you can win at that.

Seriously James, get the f*** over her.

    -Your friend, CJ 

Sources:

(1) ibiblio.org/lunarbin/worldpop
(2) webmath.com/cgi-bin/lottery.html
(3) ornl.gove/sci/techresources/Human_Genome/faq/genenumber.shtml
(4) howmanyofme.com