The Future of Weapons and Leg Injury
There are a lot of weapons out there. We've got revolvers, machine guns, nuclear missles and other weapons for war and sport. This is directly related to the fact that humans have spent century after century learning fantastically interesting ways to kill each other under various circumstances.
Do we want to kill just one guy? If so, a pistol will do. What if there's more than one guy with him? Then we'll use a machine gun. What if the whole town tries to fight back? Then we'll use a missle. What if he runs away? Then we'll nuke the whole damn country. We're a versitile race in some respects.
So what happens when we get so many weapons that we start running out of names for them? Tommy Guns, Patriot Missles, and Cop-Killer Bullets are examples of everyday names that have been commandeered by weapons as descriptions for how they work. Well, the cop killer bullets anyway. So far no one named Tommy that I know owns one of these guns, and the Patriot missle has a bad habit of not making very many patriots.
But this is all beside the point. What names will we have to use in the future of weaponry, and how will they work? To resolve this I've taken several technical terms (some not), and dropped them into a weapon. Then, based on what said word means, explained how the weapon works, and how we can go about shooting ourselves in the foot in order to get out of military service.
Super Happy Joy Fun Weapon List
Ethernet Gun: You cannot shoot yourself in the foot while anyone else in your neighborhood is simultaneously shooting themselves in the foot.
Token-Ring Gun: You get the shotgun once a day, whether you need it or not. You can only shoot yourself in the foot with this rifle, with one bullet. If you miss, too bad.
ISDN Gun: No one is exactly sure how the rifle works, but shooting yourself in the foot requires $300 worth of equipment, and a $150 /mnth.
Frame-relay Gun: If you have a dedicated rifle, you actually can't shoot yourself in the foot because you haven't specified which logical barrel to use.
DSL Gun: Anyone, who has the correct number of fingers can shoot themselves in the foot. But first you must make sure that you have silencers on all the other guns in your house, whether you use them or not.
Cable Gun: You have the most sofisticated gun available, and are garunteed a certain number of bullets every day, but you have to share the gun with the rest of your block.
Mac Gun: You can shoot yourself in the foot in five easy to remember ways, but if the gun locks, then no one will be able to help you.
Windows Gun: The gun takes 10 minutes to load, and then locks constantly.
Linux Gun:
$sudo passwd root
$sudo passwd -l root
#mkdir usrshootfoot
Remote Desktop Gun: You log into your companies gun and shoot yourself from three states away.
Recycling Gun: Exactly like the Trash can Gun, but you feel better about using it.
Tech Support Gun: One of our trained rifles will be with you in a moment.
Schwarzenegger Gun: Terminates your foot. It'll be back.
Fundamentalist Gun: Shoots your foot and then sends it straight to hell.
MPAA Gun: Shoot as many feet as you want with the gun, just as long as you aren't naked while doing it.
ESRB Gun: Very much like the MPAA gun, but makes less sense.
RIAA Gun: Did you pay for those bullets?
HMO Gun: It looks like a great gun until you try to use it.
Marlboro Gun: There are no conclusive studies showing that feet have died as a result of gunfire.
Star Wars Gun: The first three bullets fired (which are actually the 4th, 5th and 6th bullets respectively) work great, but any after that jam.
Star Trek Gun: If you invert the tachyon field matrix and the flux diameter you can make a phase-varience web around the stock of the gun, allowing you to fire at your foot more accurately.
Dusty: Shoots himself.
Take that History Channel
-cjdaweasel