In case you didn't know by now, the terrorists have kicked our collective Coalition a**es. And while I'm always right and for the most part not accountable to anyone, I'm sure that there are those of you out there that can't believe me at my word. You need "facts" and "information" to make a decision rather than just agreeing with the butthole that shouts the loudest and then switching over to Deal or No Deal.

For those of you who fit in the latter category I'm going to make you a deal. You read this post and I'll show you a fool-proof way of stopping those crazy fun-loving terrorists from crashing our huge planes into buildings. Deal? Deal.

So if you're not sure I'm correct (You Commie), I've gathered some research to prove my already-true point: The terrorists have flippin' won.

First Study Sample: Beatrice
Beatrice is a lady that I work with that is unbelievably huge. She imbodies the two extremes of hugeness.
The pity: "Oh, that poor thing, she she can barely sit in her chair." (Usually said while convulsing with laughter)
The envy: "I wish I could get that fat and not give a sh**."

The Case:
Prior to 9/11 Bea ate at least 4-6 Little Debbie snack cakes a day. One when she came in, two at lunch, and one after. Sometimes she'd sneak one more in just before then end of work. My crack research squad misses nothing.

Now she eats only about 1 a day and a granola bar. Some say this is because she's trying to lose weight and get better than 12 miles a gallon out of her Fiesta*, but I know the real reason she's trying to lose weight. She's preparing for they day that she will be forced to outrun a crashing commercial airliner.

I know this because every week on the news some terrorist somewhere is crashing, getting piloting lessons for, attempting to blow up, hijaking, or boardind a plane. Who cares about your gas mileage when Northwest Air could drop on your head at any moment?

Second Study Sample: Myself
Remember, if you don't buy things and support the economy, the terrorists win. If you're not spending your little Capitalist heart out, then you lose and bearded guys with AK-47s (At least that's how they are in Rambo movies) totally freakin win. I hate to admit it guys, but I lost the war for us.

The Case:
I am a terrible back to school shopper. I had a couple of classes that I needed to buy some supplies for. Being the unpatriotic self-centered jerk that I am, I cannibalized what I could from my last semester's classes and ended up only needing to buy two things. A folder and a ballpoint pen two-pack which added up to something like 2.39.

2.39?!?! The Economy majors out there will notice that this is even less when you consider the taxes that get taken out. Only something like 30 cents of the total actually goes to the government. You can't build a bomb on that! You can't even buy an entire cartridge of bullets for that. Heck that's not even enough to buy a folder and a ballpoint pen two-pack. What are we going to do? Teach them to death?

How to Beat the Terrorists

We seem doomed. Beatrice is so scared of falling airliners that she's started eating more healthily and I've sentenced us all to certain death by not buying a day planner. Since Terrorists love to board planes and slam them into buildings that most Americans are only half aware even existed, then we need to head this off at the source.

First of all, we need to understand the terrorist mind. This breaks down into three basic thoughts:
1) Kill everyone who disagrees with me.
2) Women should not wear short-shorts or tanktops.
3) The Alf TV series sucked and therefor the culture that created it must die.

Now, while I'm pretty sure that to some degree all of us agree with the third statement, the first and second are rediculous.

If you kill everyone that disagrees with you then who are you going to pick on in highschool? And of course, who are you going to flame at 3 in the morning on a message board on Gamespot for thinking that Mario is better than Sonic? I'll tell you, NO ONE.

Number two actually confuses me more than number one. Is there any straight male out there that does NOT want to see half-clothed women? I'm not asking if your morals or religion allow it, I'm asking if you want to see it. Deep down every male will answer yes, more please. We all want to see it. In fact we'd all be happy if you women wore nothing. And ergo, we have my solution to the terrorist problem.

Some airfare companies are already taking measures to protect us, the scared-sh**less American. They've been banning obviously dangerous things like knives, nose-hair trimmers, and deoderant.

But just recently though they've expanded the list to include things that I didn't even know people brought on board airplanes (Why in the world would you bring a camcorder on a plane? Like your home videos weren't boring enough). This list consists of a number of items that even if you gave all of them to a team of McGuyver, Terminator, and Ninja Steve they'd still have difficulty killing anything more vicious than a retarded wombat.

My problem with this list doesn't lie in its extreme number of potentially unharmful carry-ons as much as it lies in the system not going far enough. Airlines should ban EVERYTHING including earrings, toasters, and... wait for it... clothing.

Follow me on this. If terrorists don't like seeing women in regular clothing (see above research), then they really won't like seeing them naked, right? So they won't board the plane in the first place. Now, assuming that a terrorist overcomes his desire to avert his eyes from temptations, and boards the plane, then where the h*** is he going to stick a bomb? All security would have to look for is the middle-eastern guy walking a bit funny. Blamo! Captured terrorist. Am I a genius or what?

Before you go and say "Ha.ha. Very funny CJ." and pass it off as an semi-amusing thought remember that one terrorist tried to blow up a plane with his shoes. Which if memory serves, is indeed an article of clothing. You know I'm right. No Clothes = No Bombs bigger than your anus.

I'm going to make you nay-sayers a deal, at the first sign of a terrorist putting a bomb up his butt and walking onto a plane naked, we'll revise my plan. Deal? Deal.





*For those of you who don't know what kind of car a Fiesta is: good. You should keep it that way. They suck.



-cjdaweasel