Phallus Problems*

At the risk of being the last person on the internet writing about it, I'd like to give my thoughts on Spam. God knows they're listening and me b****ing about it will surely bring the whole Spam ring to a grinding halt.

In case you don't know what spam is: leave. I have no idea how you reached this site, and you've obviously lost your way. Also, I'd like to point out that A) This is not the forum to explain it, B) This is not the TV and C) No we don't want to see pictures of your cat. We have enough cat pictures thank you.

The internet can be broken down into nine fundamental elements.
1- Wikipedia
2- Youtube
3- Google
4- Porn
5- Cat Pictures
6- Gross Porn
7- Really Gross Porn
8- Email
9- Bittorent

Just like Resident Evil, if you mix certain things together, you get something entirely new, some good, some bad. On the good side if you mix Youtube and Bittorent, you get iTunes or if you mix email and google, you get Gmail.

On the bad side however, things can get pretty dark. For example, when you mix Wikipedia and porn, you get cjdaweasel.com. Even two good things put together like Email and Porn get you Spam.

As you can see, just like atom bombs, which I'm pretty sure is the combination of atoms and Jager Bombs (two very good things), Spam is really just the combination of two good things gone wrong. And too much good has a tendency to lap itself and breed evil (see: Star Wars).

To say Spam is evil is to oversell it. Spam doesn't bother me when it makes sense, such as "Get a BIGGER penis since we could all (small rodents included) use bigger penises. In fact, our pensises could probably use bigger penises.

But when spam comes along and both clogs my inbox and confuses me, is when I start getting angry. Take the one I got the other day with the subject "Interpose up to tonsils!". Beyond the fact that I had to look up three of those words, what the hell is that supposed to mean? That isn't an advertisement, that's what you get when Thesauruses marry thier cousins.

See, I run a website where I make fun of people less fortunate than me (fat people, stupid people, religious people), so those reading my site must automatically assume that "Hey! He makes fun of others because he has a small penis I'll send him some free literature to help him with that issue."

While I certainly appreciate the thought brother, though it seems to be misplaced, and despite the title I don't see how I can interpose anything with Viagra knockoffs. That would be forgivable if Spam were confined to my email.

But Spam is not only in email, this is a common mistake. Ads on webpages are spam, in boxes (see? in boxes? instead of inboxes? I'm so clever). Really, they're practically the same thing. Advertisements for stuff you don't want in places that could be used for other things. Other things like ads for porn.

Ads for porn don't count as Spam since they allow me to look at naked girls at work without getting into trouble. I just have to loudly exclaim every sixty minutes or so "HOW WILL I EVER GET ALL THIS WORK DONE WITH ALL THESE ADS ON MY SCREEN?"

I do that not so I have a cover, but so everyone will avoid my cube. Who wants to be seen with the crazy guy who shouts the same thing at consistent hourly intervals? Except for that guy named Billy. Billy would hang around even if I was stripping naked and dancing the Macarena every time the second hand passed the number three.

Come to think of it, that'd be awesome. Maybe get a goofy hat and a banjo. On second thought, you're alright Billy.

I've totally lost track of what I was talking about, so I guess the whole point of this post is: stop putting ugly-ass cat pictures on the internet. It's pissing me off.

* See the whole title is "You Have Male Phallus Problems" or "You have Male PP". It's only funny if you think about it too hard.

-cjdaweasel