For my final lab report for my Air Pollution course I had to write a "Competing Perspectives" section. This section is where we're supposed to write from the formal perspective of a business or agency doing something related to Air Pollution, whether preventing it or contributing to it. I typically ignore those rules and make up some rediculous acronym and just write something completely ridiculous. My professor loves them.

For example, I had PAUL, the professional and under-paid launderers, an organization of professional laundromat workers, and I had STALKER, Students Taking Arms for the Lock-up of the Killers of ESP (electro-static precipitator) Retailers. I stopped really trying to follow the rules and just started to have fun with the assignments. This is my latest "Competing Perspectives" section, I hope you like it :)

Dan, Representative of GOOGLE

We at Google try to bring the best support to our users by using simpler forms of searching power. We have been recently looking into new search filter technologies and have been interested in less traditional forms of search filtering. We found that using web-based software could only do so much to cut down on dead links and strange search results and we have been looking forward to trying some new technologies. Our head scientist in R&D has begun attempts to use filter paper to filter out bad search results.

Dr. Isaac Kleiner has begun to research the applications of filter paper on search engines after he examined the results of the particulate matter collected indoors over a 24-hour period versus the PM collected outdoors over that same 24-hour period by a high-volume PM sampler. He observed that the filter paper filtered out far more particles from the outdoor sample, indicating that far more particulate matter was present in the outdoor setting than indoors. If only there were some way for Dr. Kleiner to apply the same concept of a high volume of air to a high volume of searches.

When Dr. Kleiner presented his results to his colleague, Dr. Eli Vance, the two became very excited and began to hypothesize a way to use that technology to filter electronic search results. They began the initial tests and hooked the filter paper up to the GOOGLE search engine's server. Unfortunately, all that happened was the filter paper ignited and the server's hardware melted. Needless to say, the project was shut down and the two were relocated to the Nevada desert.