Wow, I'm not writing a serious blog? No, I just got a bit tired and decided to be a little silly this time. Plus, I haven't been all too happy recently and thought this may lighten me up. So, enjoy.
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I was never compelled to play a Duke Nukem game. I just found the character and content to be too mature, so I never bothered. I also failed to mention too much about Duke Nukem Forever. It happens that the guys at 3D Realms noticed my lack of interest and sent me a copy of Duke Nukem Forever in a concealed package that only I was allowed to open. I was blown away, literally. Also note that due to the fact that the game is so eye-blindingly incredible, I couldn't take screenshots. Instead, I drew them. So, here is my review of Duke Nukem Forever.
The initial problem I had with the game was the fact that it blew up my Wii, which was quite uncalled for. Only then did I notice that a letter was inside the package telling me that the only console that was capable was a Sega CD and 32X combined, which explained why a cartridge came with the game. Why a Sega CD and 32X? I clearly don't know. So after hunting for a Sega CD and 32X on eBay, I discovered that I also got a controller in the package as well, stating that it is the only controller compatible with the game. It was called the Duke Controller (not to be confused with the Xbox controller), which has 65 buttons and 12 analog sticks to run the game. There was also a kick pedal that came, which I never understood why I needed until I played the game. I was also told that I required the controller to access the online play, which was indeed surprising.
The many years of development is rather apparent
Anyways, when I started the game I noticed that the game had to install in the system to be playable. You thought an hour of install time was bad? Well I had to wait for the game to install for 2 days! After installing and setting up the Duke controller, I was greeted with a 7 hour narrative explaining the origins of Duke Nukem's awesomeness and I was also shown the huge problem that was occurring in this game. It showed Duke Nukem playing videogames in his apartment with his dog, until an army of generic helmet wearing soldiers busted in, blowing up his dog and stealing his nachos and Power Rangers bed sheets. This makes Duke to lose all hope for humanity and start a quest to find his Power Rangers bed sheets.
The first thing I noticed in the gameplay was that I kept dying after 3 minutes. After looking in the 200 page manual, I noticed that you use the kick pedal to breathe. However, if you kick too fast, Duke will lose his breath. After figuring it out, I set off to beat the first level, which involved in doing Duke's chores. When I try to describe the gameplay genre, it literally is every single genre that is possible in mankind. It is a hybrid shooter turned based RPG strategy action adventure racing sports point and click game. Just think of it this way. Whatever game you ever played is implemented in Duke Nukem Forever. This makes it a huge problem as the controls change and there are too many options. 44 of the buttons result in Duke blowing himself up, which becomes a hassle as even buying a carton of milk can result in you blowing up. What makes it even worse is that the button mapping changes between every level and if you try to access the button configuration menu, Duke blows up!
Now this is an FPS!
Those gripes aside, the shooting in the game is very solid. You have the choice of over a few hundred weapons and different perks to add in it. The gun that I am accustomed to the most is the Super Ultra Hyper Combo Gun Version 8.0 Graphix Extreme Turbo Beta Edition. It basically shoots a green beam of light and shoots multiple bullets, while shooting flames with an attached flamethrower. The best part is that you can ride a dinosaur while going on your rampage. The controls then shift to the dinosaur for walking, while you take a gun and shoot the heck out of the bad guys.
The biggest problem that I have with the game is how confusing it is controlling the game. Not only do your repeatedly use the kick pedal to breathe, but you have the use the analog sticks to walk, while pressing the different buttons to interact. This is even harder as you have to fumble with the controls to shoot people. It just gets so frustrating. All the other controls for the fighting, driving, golfing, etc are all right, but not too fun. The problem is that there are too many different controls, and with 300 levels, the game is a test of madness.
The graphics in the game are so amazing that any normal man would be blinded by just giving it a small stare. I also received a pair of glasses with the game to avoid being blinded by such awesomeness. It's also worth noting that though I don't have a 3D TV, the graphics in the game are in 3D without needing a 3D TV. You get the first real taste of the technology when you have the objective of ironing your clothes in 3D. It is just amazing on how much they focused on the environment. I also love the details in the enemies. Sure the generic soldiers are the only normal enemies, but Duke Nukem gets in intense tussles with many legendary video game characters. The matches are rather fun, but get repetitive by level 145. In general, the graphics are amazing and the best part is that you don't have to wear the stupid 3D glasses! You just have to wear stupid glasses to protect your eyes from the awesomene- oh wait….
Ironing just got extreme
The sound in the game is also quite varied with an audio ranging from any genre you can think of. There are about a few thousand tracks that can be accessed through Duke's iPod. This is really cool, but the sound effects in real time are also amazing. The explosions and the intense screaming the soldiers do upon being vaporized by Duke's guns are just astounding. But again, the sound does not do enough to fix all the errors brought to the complicated gameplay.
I also tried doing the online play, but I really couldn't play, due to the fact that I'm the only one who possesses the copy of the game. So that kinda sucks. Then again, the game has over 300 missions and it took me about a year to beat this game. But it would be nice if I got to do the quest with a friend.
Something tells me this won't end well
Since you guys would never find out the ending of the story I will spoil it, due the fact that I have the only copy. So as Duke sets off to find his Power Rangers bed sheets, he discovered that he has become a hit for the mob ran by Mario, due to the fact that one of Duke's practical jokes caused Luigi to tragically drive off the edge of a cliff. Mario then attempts to shoot Duke Nukem with his shotgun, but gets fried by Duke's Super Ultra Extreme Laser Superb Justice Delivering Cannon Version 6.4 Awesome Edition.
Doing this, Duke uncovers a secret that his Power Rangers bed sheets are being hidden in a pyramid in Egypt. As he sets off, he brings his pet dinosaur along, but gets in trouble because his dinosaur ate a few hundred people. Duke then apologizes and everybody forgives him, until his dinosaur eats the President, which makes everybody mad again. Duke escapes with his dinosaur on a rocket ship and goes to Egypt to uncover his bed sheets. In the end he discovers that his dog was actually the real Duke Nukem after all and he is the fake. But in reality the dog was actually the dog in a Duke Nukem costume wearing a dog costume.
This looks rather familiar....
They then engage in a fight on top of a skyscraper when the dog reveals that he is actually M. Bison and Duke is all like, "Really??" and the dog is like, "No" and then kicks Duke off the roof. It was then revealed that the dog was sent by SkyNet as a Terminator to destroy Duke Nukem, but in reality the dog was actually M. Bison in disguise. So with the help of Gordon Freeman, Duke defeats M. Bison to save the world from SkyNet and recovers his Power Rangers bed sheets. Then everybody gets happy again at Duke and they all live happily ever after. That is until Duke's dinosaur eats the new President, which makes everyone mad again. This leaves an opening for the sequel to come out.
In the end, Duke Nukem Forever is a great game, but suffers from a few errors. I really think that the narrative compelled me to finish this game and I really don't have to buy another game, due to the fact that this game has the elements from all of the other ones. All in all this is a great game for you guys to bu- wait….
Thanks for reading.
3D Realms, you owe me a new Wii. I want it in black.