Tips for the Evil Overlord's Accountant:

69. Keep a set of books listing those activities of the Evil Overlord that would be a credit to Gandhi. Show these records to anyone who cares to see them.

70. Keep a second set of books that lists the activities in the first set of books, plus those activities that look fishy at a cursory glance, but on closer examination are perfectly within the letter of the law, or maybe just bend it a little. Show these books to auditors who aren't fooled by the first set of books, and then only when the Evil Overlord has no choice but to allow examination. Keep them a bit untidy so that anyone looking at them will think you were caught with your pants down.

71. Keep a third set of books, listing everything the Evil Overlord is up to. Show these books to the Evil Overlord when he wants to see them. Show them to nobody else. Store them in thermite-packed cabinets so that they can be destroyed with extreme speed.

72. Keep a fourth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for the bulk of the Evil Overlord's loot, including the Plundered Crown Jewels. Use this information to bargain for your miserable cowardly life when the Hero defeats the Evil Overlord.

73. Keep a fifth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for a small portion of the Evil Overlord's loot, in the form of unmarked and untraceable cash. Use this information to set yourself up for retirement after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.

74. When the Hero and his allies storm the Evil Overlord's castle, hide under the Sturdy Oak Table with the other Sly Advisors until the fighting stops. If the Evil Overlord wins, it's back to business as usual; your sniveling cowardice will only stoke the Evil Overlord's feelings of superiority over you, so you will not be punished. If the Hero wins, thank the Hero for freeing you from the Evil Overlord's mind control, then show him where the Plundered Crown Jewels are kept. When nobody's looking, get the portion of the Evil Overlord's loot that you have earmarked for your retirement fund and retire.

75. Do not bother the Evil Overlord with the details of finances; math bores him. Simply remember his net worth at any given moment and be prepared to supply that figure on demand.

76. Do not embezzle from the Evil Overlord, unless you are able to cover the discrepancy by exaggerating the losses incurred by the bumbling of the Evil Overlord's other henchmen, and then only when said henchmen are dead.

Tips for Evil Geniuses:

77. I will not experiment on myself.

78. I will not transplant my mind into the Hero's brain when my test monkey is still in the laboratory.

79. None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse" switch.

80. My secret lab/lair will have excellent ventilation, automatic sprinklers, and halon extinguishers handy at every bench.

81. My glass flask holders, test tube racks, and bunsen-burner-heated apparati will be anchored to the floor or wall, not balanced precariously on a wobbly table.

82. Any ability-enhancing formula that has potential degenerative or addictive effects may be suitable to use on the Controlled Masses, but not on myself.

83. My high-energy sealed test chamber will only be operable from the outside by the combination of my hand and retinal print. If someone has relieved me of my hand and eye to get them, I'd rather be dead anyway.

84. If I can splice genes to create a 60-meter-long killer cockroach, I can also insert in said creation a susceptibility to my custom formula of Raid, which I can carry in a convenient key chain mace canister.

85. Experimental monster creations will not only have one immediately lethal vulnerability only I can exploit, but until my Diabolical Plan is ready to implement, they will also have an addiction to a material only I can supply, without which they will die in a day or two.

86. I will always have an open airplane ticket to New Zealand on hand in case my current project escapes my laboratory, starts mutating beyond control, or starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion.

87. I will personally select the brain to be used in my life-creation experiment.

88. If I need one liter of my secret formula to implement my Diabolical Plan, I will produce ten liters and store the other nine safely in different caches.

89. I will always carry the antidote on my person. But it will be in a vial marked 'poison reserve.' The poison reserve will be in the vial marked 'antidote.'

90. If I am working on an optical mind control device, I will remove all extraneous mirrors from the lab and wear polarized contact lenses at all times.

91. I will test the strength, power, and weaknesses of all monsters I create. Better to pull back and send two monsters next time than lose one due to simple poor planning.

92. Experiments requiring a human test subject shall be performed on kidnapped anti-social bums who live alone in large cities, not someone whose disappearance will be noticed, like a coed at the local high school.

93. If I really must experiment on a teenage girl, I will not choose the buxom cheerleader whose courageous and handsome boyfriend is captain of the football team. Instead, I will choose the mousy quiet girl whose only boyfriend is the nervous head of the Dungeons and Dragons club, whom I can probably co-opt if I need to.

94. I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.

95. Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of my redundant, automatic Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me, extraneous underlings. No underling (especially one with a girlfriend to impress) will ever be given the keys to the cages.

96. My Android Armies will be capable of independent action, and will not rely on a central brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop rejection procedures to prevent paralysis by "Everything I say is a lie" type statements.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:

97. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.

98. Familiarize yourself with the specs for sacrificial victims, and make sure that unacceptable substitutes aren't introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-spec work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.

99. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in private before chanting it in public. Flash cards are helpful. Be very careful to pronounce only one syllable at a time; some deities pop up at every mention of their name, and expect to have an acceptable sacrifice waiting for them.

100. Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure.

101. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

102. Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.

103. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight--it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, and supernatural creatures, and it can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach.

104. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. And pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.

105. If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.

106. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare, and change.

107. Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.

108. If a Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

109. Followers who have a speech impediment should be excused from speaking parts in any and all ceremonies. The mispronunciation of the deity's name can have catastrophic effects.

110. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.

111. If the ritual site has some strange powder sprinkled around that wasn't there the last time, postpone all ceremonies until the site is verified.

112. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.

113. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

114. During ritual sacrifices, it's considered bad form to take bits home "for later".

115. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.

116. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath.

117. Never play strip Tarot.

118. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made in exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.

119. For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is right out.

120. Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, school board members, and other people who won't be missed.

121. Register the copyrights on your chants, so you'll have a leg up when some long-haired, dope-smoking, maggot-infested rock group plagiarizes them for a fast buck.

122. Do not allow your mental condition to degrade any further than the obligations of your deity require. A good psychiatrist helps.

Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage:

123. Inoculate before invasion.

124. Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.

125. No matter how pretty the girl is, leave her alone. It's almost guaranteed that your anatomies (not to mention your biologies) are incompatible.

126. If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.

127. Don't route all power through the Mothership.

128. Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the top.

129. Always pretend to be immune to gunfire. People will only shoot at you if they think it'll do some good.

130. Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system. Find a nice secluded cave.

131. If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force takeover.