I really hate to pay this toll
Should be strong, young and bold
But the only thing I feel is pain

Helloween - A Tale That Wasn't Right

I am just going to come out and say this. I am depressed. I am pissed off. I am stressed out. I am irritated. I am angry and I am frustrated. It feels as if I am on an endless streak of bad luck. It seems like things just keep getting worse for me, and, no matter how hard I try to fix things, nothing I ever do works. Believe me when I say I am trying. I am not only trying. I am desperate. I will get to that in a bit, I could say it sucks, but that is a vast understatement. The only reason I sleep at night right now is because I take sleeping pills to make me go to sleep. I am that stressed. If I fail to take one of them at night., I have alot of trouble getting any sleep at all and I am tired all day the next day. It's like I am being tested to see just how much I can take before I release all my frustrations and anger by punching a random person in the face. Hell. I can just feel how tense my muscles are and it causes headaches ALOT. Anyway, on with the reasons.

The biggest reason, as I have mentioned before, is my job hunt. I am trying to find a job. I really am. I cut 5 inches off of my hair. 5 FREAKING INCHES! I sacreficed that much of my hair to get a job. I look at myself in the mirror now. I see how much shorter my hair is (it reaches just a bit below my shoulders now) and it pisses me off. It angers me that we have to conform with societies wishes to accomplish anything, and that's what I see when I look in the mirror. I also shaved off my beard and mustache in hopes that that would help me get a job. I am keeping myself clean shaven. I am going out to large parking lots with alot of businesses and walking from one to the next for several hours, filling out applications in each. I filled out atleast 30 applications last week. How many of those places called me back? Exactly 0. What gives? Why can't I find a job? For God sake, I do everything I have always done. I revisit places that are hiring. I speak with managers. I dress nice. I CUT MY HAIR AND SHAVED! WHAT DO YOU WANT! WHAT MUST I DO TO GET A JOB! Jesus I hate how society works. "Oh. Your hair is long. We don't hire people with long hair." SINCE WHEN HAS THE LENGTH OF ONES HAIR EFFECTED HIS PHYSICAL ABILITIES, and don't give me some BS about Samson and his hair....besides that. That was the exact opposite. He was told to not cut his hair. It's beside the point anyway. The length of my hair does not effect my ability to work

I am sure I already mentioned this, but my brother moved out. My friend John and I helped him move. John's girlfriend was getting kicked out and my brother told her to let him know if he needed a place to stay and he would get a place with 2 bedrooms instead of 1. She waited to ask him if she could live with him until after my brother signed the lease for a one bedroom apartment. That was a dumb move. She lives in my brothers kitchen now. They put a curtain up so she could have some privacy. She does not have a job. The only income she has comes from working at the Ren Fair on the weekends, which brings in about 50 bucks a week. That is not a serious job. It won't get the bills payed. My brother pays for everything as a result. She is, basically, living there free. I am not entirely convinced she is looking for a job. Recently she was discussing with my brother about wanting a cat. My brother kind of shrugged it off, thinking that she meant they would talk more seriously about it when she had money to pay for a cat (He is not a big fan of cats). She went out and bought a cat pretty much the next day. This angered my parents. Her name isn't on the lease. Theirs is. If they want to keep a pet, the pet needs to be on the lease, and it costs more per month. She does not have the money to feed and take care of it. She even had the gull to ask my brother to change the litterbox. HEr reason was "hermalphrodide is bad for women." My brother did exactly as I would have. He told her now. The last time I was over there, the litter box had not been changed in a week. That's gross. Furthermore, there was a pile of boxes, many of which were hers, that she refused to eitehr take to the garbage while my brother was at work or help my brother. When she got hime on Sunday from working the fair, she griped at Adam about the kitchen not being clean. We had just eating nad he didn't want to do it right then because we were watching hockey. He wanted to wait until after the game. I don't know what my brother told her, but I would have told her, but I would have told her that if she wants it clean so damn bad, she can clean it herself. Adam, being the sole bill payer right now, is, understandably, a bit anal about doing things like making sure the TV and the lights are turned off whenever you don't need them or are not home, but he has come home atleast once to find her not home and various lights on as well as the TV. Getting back to the cat, shortly after they got the thing, my brothers allergies flared up. They have waivered since then, but never gone away. I think he may be allergic to cats (no one in my family likes cats so we never had them. How would he have known?). All of this is kind of pissing me off. It seems to me that she is simply taking advantage of my brother,. He doesn't want to upset her, largely because her boyfriend is also his best friend. I wish I could tell her to get rid of the cat. I would too. I would be blunt as hell. "My brothers allergic to that thing. Get rid of it." My dad wants to talk to her about it. He would be even less nice than I would. Alas, I have not said anything. It's not my apartment. It's not my place to.

Speaking of John. He is supposed to be my friend too. Ever since my brotehr moved out though, it is a rarity that he actually hangs out with me. This bothers me. It makes me think. Did he just hang out with me because he wanted to hang out with my brother and I happened to be there? Sure he will go over to my brothers place. My brother and his girlfriend are there. I have invited him over here numerous times, but it seems he is always busy, too tired or at work. That seems a little suspicious for my taste. I can't visit my brother all the time because I do not have a job yet, thus I do not have money for the gas that it would require to get over there. Why, though, doesn't he want to hang out with me? It puzzles me and bothers me at the same time. I really need to get out of here. I need to move the hell away for a while. I don't want to leave Texas because it is almost all I have ever known, but I will. I will go live in Ohio with my friend Eric. First I need a job and money to move, though.

Oh. I finished A Game of Thrones by George RR Martin earlier today. I would highly recommend it to anyone that likes fantasy novels. It was absolutely excellent. IT is very well written and filled with great characters, as well as some very surprising plot twists. IT doesn't follow any normal fantasy novel formula, which makes it unpredictable. I also ordered the se3cond and third books in the Song of Ice and Fire series (Game of Thrones is the first) as well as the third and fourth books of the Nightside series by Simon R Green. Those books are interesting, though I do not enjoy them as much as I did his Deathstalker novels. Speaking of which, there are 3 novels that got released as a final trilogy in that series that I need to read. I have heard Owen comes back. That's so awesome. He was a cool character. I have to wonder how, though. IT is set some 1000 years or so after the original 5 novels. I am going to miss some of the otehr characters for sure, but I am sure he has sone new good ones. Anyway, my new books should come on Friday I think. Until then, I will start reading Dialblo The Sin War book 1 Birthright by Richard A Knaak. It looks interesting and I enjoy the Diablo lore, though I have heard mixed things about it

It seems like the only time I am happy right now is when I am doing something that distracts me from the fact that the bill collectors call me several times a day to try to get payments out of me that I cannot make because I do not have a job. I don't even answer my phone and it is on vibrate most of the time so that I do not hear it ring. I have turned back to my old friend known simply as music. IT is what got me through high school, and it is helping now. When I am listening to music, I can forget about everything and absorb myself. The power of the riff compells you. I forget who said that. It's true though. I pulled out some of my records and have been listening to those lately. I had forgotten how good some of them are. Keeper of the Seven Keys pt 1 by Helloween is AMAZING (A Tale That Wasn't Right is from that album). Metal Massacre 2 (a note about this one. It has the first bands of Cliff Burton and Marty Friedman as well as the first recordings of Overkill and ARmored Saint. Very cool)( reminds me of why I am a metal head in the first place. I have to wonder what happened to the band Third Stage Alert. Their singer had a good voice and Mind Invader was a cool song.

Anyway yeah. Screw society and it's stupid BS. I NEED A DAMN JOB! Someone give me a job before I punch random people on the street