Strike One

Love was in the air, Gabrielle wrote.

Oh, not literally. Aphrodite was probably schlepping around in one of her many temples checking out the various goodies (and the inevitable fish) offered to the Olympian as a bid for her notoriously fickle favor. And Cupid, Psyche, and their fiendishly mischievous son Bliss were all away from Greece entirely on a family vacation, according to her friend Hercules.

So what could explain this magical feeling of the anticipation of Love waiting right around the next corner?

"Maybe that cute guy standing over there," Xena suggested in answer to Gabrielle's written query, reading over the short blonde's shoulder.

"Xena!" Gabrielle exclaimed, snatching up her scroll. "You know I hate it when anyone reads my work before I'm finished with it!"

"Relax, will you? You've barely started, so all I've read is a couple of sentences. Besides, I think your "Muse" is about to get distracted by that guy. Or should I say the sight of that guy and me!" Xena finished with an appreciative grin at the stud.

"You?! Are you out of your mind? He's definitely not your type. You go for warriors, not farmers," she argued dismissively. "Just look at those big brown eyes. He's clearly the sensitive type, which means if he's anyone's he's mine!"

"That prime hunk of beefcake? Come on, Gabrielle, you know you're not into muscles like I am. It's obvious he's my type. After all, there are more places for "action" than a battlefield," she finished wickedly.

Gabrielle turned pink as a few of the many possibilities occurred to her fertile imagination but refused to be deterred. "Well, maybe we'll just have to let him decide. Just promise me you won't spoil things when he chooses me."

"An easy enough promise to make since he's going to pick me," Xena stated confidently, "but you can have my word if I have yours."

"Done!" Gabrielle readily agreed. She was eager to see Xena eat a little crow. "Let's go see which of us he likes better!"

"Right beside ya!"

Eying each other warily, they strolled over to their well muscled bone of contention. It was most definitely out of character for the two women to fall for the same guy, but neither had any intention of conceding. An outside observer might think it wasn't actually about the guy at all, but their own competitive natures. That outsider might be right.

"Hey there, you new in town?" Xena asked brightly. Considering she and Gabrielle had just arrived in Mytilene that morning it wasn't the most inspired choice of ice breakers, but she doubted he would hold it against her. She just wanted to get a word in before her Bardic sidekick grabbed the spotlight for herself, and had said the first thing that had popped into her mind.

Gabrielle wasn't impressed.

"Oh yeah, like no one's ever used that one before," she muttered. She didn't know which was worse, the competition or the cliche. She'd decide after she won the guy for herself. Meanwhile she just rolled her eyes and attempted to reclaim the initiative. "Hi, my name is Gabrielle and she's Xena."

She kind of mumbled that last bit, but his hearing was just fine. Fortunately the news that he was making the acquaintance of a legend didn't seem to phase him. In fact, his focus rested directly on her!

"It's nice to finally meet you," he told her with shy warmth. She was right, he was the sensitive type. It was all Gabrielle could do not to throw a gloating look of triumph at her partner and rival. There'd be plenty of time to rub in her victory in later. "I've read some of your scrolls. They're really wonderful. You have a true gift with words."

Gabrielle blushed at the sweet young man's compliment. Since Xena never read her scrolls (except when she was trying to be annoying and read over her shoulder) it was nice to know she had a more appreciative audience in this cutie. But Gabrielle's triumph proved to be premature.

"And you're even more amazing than Gabrielle describes in person," their newfound "friend" told the warrior princess in turn. Xena returned his smile, impressed that the subject of his amazement didn't appear to reside solely beneath her ample breastplate the way it did with most guys. He kept eye contact as if he saw her as a person, not a sex object or a threat to be feared and avoided. Of course, there were even some twisted creeps out there that saw her as both at the same time, but in spite of her "dominatrix leather look" and her bullwhip she wasn't into that kind of thing. Although there had been that time in Sybaris...

Her slightly kinky memories were rudely interrupted by an imperious, rising call from within the market's crowd. "Hor-TENSE!"

The lovely young man immediately turned towards the author of the shrill cry and readily waved her over.

"Mother, here are two nice ladies I'd like you to meet," he told his dam. "This is Gabrielle, and she's Xena. Ladies, this is my mother."

Hortense's mother glared at them almost accusingly. The crone was severely dressed, emphasizing the fact that all the woman's curves had been pared down into angles. Her pruney face probably would have smoothed out a bit if she'd been sucking on a lemon, but not by much. She circled the women, freely labeling them as harlots and pointing out to all and sundry their many flaws, real or imagined. To suggest that the pot that was as dark as midnight in Tartarus was calling the kettle black was the least of her hypocrisy.

"That puny little thing?" the old bat sniffed at Gabrielle. "Hortense, how many times do I have to tell you? With hips like that she'll never be a good breeder."

If Gabrielle hadn't been so flabbergasted at the criticism she might have decked the witch. She was still considering decking Xena, who found the derogatory remarks about her companion all too amusing, Hades take her! As it was all she could do was feel relieved that Prince Charming's evil harpy of a mother didn't consider her worthy of her son's regard.

Then the old hag turned her insulting perusal on the warrior princess, apparently oblivious to the fact that she was courting a slow, painful death.

"This one will do, I suppose," she admitted finally. Her reluctant concession sounded as if Hecate's chariot had forcibly dragged it out of her. "At least this wench has wide enough hips to give you lots of babies, and she looks as strong as an ox as well, though you'd better get those boots off her and leave her barefoot before you take her for your mate. Just have her carry Buttercup home for you and if she makes it you'll have my blessing."

Her tone suggested that a blessing wrested from her pinched lips was more to be feared than a curse from all three of the Furies. Xena, having previously experienced one such curse had no desire to compare the two. Still, she had to ask the one question that bothered her.

"Buttercup?" she wondered aloud. She couldn't credit the dried up old harridan calling anything by such a fluffy name, unless it was her pet spider.

"My favorite sow," Hortense clarified gamely. "Would you like to try?"

The sensitive, muscular moron actually looked hopeful. Apparently "good breeders" were slim pickings in these parts.

Xena glared at Gabrielle, who wasn't even trying to hide her giggles. "Sorry. I don't do pigs. Come on, Gabrielle."



Strike Two



"Now we know where he got all those muscles," Xena commented dryly, refusing to admit her humiliation.

"Don't forget his "sensitivity"," Gabrielle pointed out with the merest hint of self mockery. She had always been better at laughing at herself than Xena, but this was ridiculous. "Buttercup, for Zeus' sake!"

"Good thing all men aren't all like that."

"I'll say. Look at that one! He's checking me out," Gabrielle preened.

"You?! Are you blind? He's looking straight at me!" Xena insisted huffily.

"Shh! He's coming over," Gabrielle hissed in annoyance. That was just so typical of Xena, always thinking she was the center of everyone's attention. "Let's see who he talks to first."



"Hey, we're all grown-ups, right? I can't see any harm in having a little grown-up fun! Believe me, I've got plenty for both of you!" Lothario bragged with a leer that distorted the superficial beauty of his face into the salacious mask of a satyr. "You know what the Bards say, turnabout is foreplay!"

"What Bard says that?" Gabrielle demanded with disgust.

"Well, I did read this book from India once..." Xena began helpfully.

"Never mind, I don't want to know," Gabrielle broke in primly. Oh, maybe she'd ask Xena for the details later just to satisfy her curiosity, but not while this repulsive little lecher was around to take it as encouragement. "And I have absolutely no desire for you to show me anything!" she emphasized as lover-boy began fumbling with his tunic to provide "proof" of his substantial "assets".

Then she clobbered him with her staff when the oversexed, bastard son of Priapus failed to take the hint.

"Ouch," Xena commented, though with a distinct lack of sympathy.

"Yeah, well, now he knows that mine is bigger," Gabrielle said airily, twirling the only staff that interested her at the moment.

"And you know how to use it much better," Xena praised her sincerely.

"I had a good teacher," she stated modestly. "Now I know why a fighting staff is the favorite weapon of so many Amazons."

The women shared a laugh and left their importunate suitor lying in a heap in the dust.



Strike Three

"Look, there are plenty of good looking men out there. We don't need to fight over them," Gabrielle stated reasonably.

"I feel the same way," Xena assured her companion.

"Ooo! Look at those two!" Gabrielle told her partner, trying not to make her interest too obvious. Xena shouldn't have any difficulty figuring out which two she meant.

"Okay, you spotted them first," said Xena. "D'you want dibs on the blond or the brunette?"

"Well, I guess... the blond?" she hazarded. They were both cute, but the brunette seemed to be more Xena's type from what she could see from across the market's square.

"That works for me," Xena agreed. Either would have been okay, but the blond was just a little short for her taste.

"They're coming over," Gabrielle whispered urgently, and tried to appear nonchalant. Xena, on the other hand gave the two hunks a challenging smile.

"Ladies, hello. Are you new in town?" the brunette asked.

It was all Gabrielle could do to suppress a snort of amusement. He was Xena's type, all right. The two seemed to have gone to the same school of lame pick-up lines. Xena didn't seem to notice.

"As a matter of fact we are. Care to show us the sights?" she purred invitingly.

The blond didn't seem to like her warm response to the other man. He swatted his darker haired companion. "Hey Demetrius, I told you I had dibs on the brunette!"

The other guy smacked him back. "I was just being polite, Lysander. I told you, I want the blond. You can have the brunette or anyone else for all I care!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

The two neanderthals started throwing punches in earnest. Xena and Gabrielle watched their macho, egotistical display for a moment out of sheer disbelief and then looked at each other.

"Men!" the pronounced in sororal disgust and left he two idiots to their pointless chauvinistic conflict.

"Who needs 'em?" Xena snarled rhetorically to her best friend.

"Not me!" Gabrielle vowed firmly.

"You go, gurrls!" an androgynous voice told them as he/she left the shadows of one of the market's stalls and linked arms with the pair. "What a complete waste of time. We women don't need a bunch of hairy knuckle draggers around to have a good time. Come with me, girlfriends and I'll show you where it's really at in Mytilene!" the woman, by now Gabrielle was almost positive it was a woman, told them.

"Yeah? Where's that?" Xena raised with a raised eyebrow. She'd seen plenty of this type of female around over the years.

"A little place on the outside of town called The Meow Mix," their guide informed them. "By the way, my name is Sappho."

"Sappho, as in the poet?" Gabrielle asked excitedly. "I'm Gabrielle, the Bard of Potidea."

"That's me, the Poet of Leisbos," her new friend agreed. "I'm sure we have lots in common."

Gabrielle nodded happily. It was always great to meet a cunning linguist like the famous Poet. But why was Xena smirking?