"Well, I think we're all here, so why don't we go ahead and start the meeting?" Gabrielle suggested brightly.

The assorted warriors milling about responded by finding themselves seats in the circle of chairs in the center of the room. Callisto, glowering at them all with undisguised loathing, was already in hers- shackled to it, in fact, at the wrists and ankles, as well as by a thick leather band which held her head immobile. Helpless to do anything except lash them with a burning glance and a scathing tongue, she constantly but surreptitiously tested her bonds, hoping against hope that she'd eventually be able to work her way free. Then she'd kill every last one of them slowly and painfully.

She knew she'd be wise to hold her tongue, to try to lull them into a false sense of security, but it was a vow much more easily made than kept, especially under the provocation that was about to begin.

"Who would like to start us off?" Gabrielle asked, holding a chakram aloft. Under the annoying rules of this gathering only the person holding it was supposed to speak before the group.

"I will," said a dark, beefy warrior as he claimed it. "Hello, my name is Draco, and I'm a warlord."

"Hello, Draco," everyone except Callisto replied. Her welcome was a little less friendly, though just as sincere. "A eunuch named after a dragon? How quaint."

But Draco continued on as if he hadn't heard her insult.

"It all started when I was a boy. My father, a blacksmith, almost beat me to death with his hammer when I told him I didn't want to follow in his footsteps when I grew up. I wanted to go to Athens and be a lounge singer! He just refused to see who good I felt singing show tunes in a while jumpsuit and a feather boa. He called me," the warlord continued with a heart wrenching sob, "A panty twist! I've never twisted a panty in my life!"

"No, I'm sure you had some big, strong man to do that for you," Callisto said with venomous sweetness, unable to help herself in the face of such absolute spinelessness.

But the rest of Draco's auditors murmured sympathetically. His closest neighbor, the warlord Barbarus, even pulled the tear stricken man into a supportive hug, helping Draco to pull himself back together and go on with his story.

"It seemed like he just didn't understand me," he continued with a sniffle. "So I gave up my dream of becoming a shining star, and became a warlord instead to try and make him proud of me. I maimed, I pillaged, and I defiled, all so my father would love me."

"And did it work?" Gabrielle asked gently.

"I don't know," Draco told her as he broke into renewed tears. "He... he... he died before I could see him again."

"An accident in his forge?" Xena asked with touching concern.

"No, he... he..."

"Spit it out, you wimp!" snarled Callisto.

"Take your time. Breathe," Gabrielle recommended soothingly as she patted his hand to help ease his suffering.

Draco drew in a few deep, hiccoughing breaths, then gathered his strength to reveal the gory details. "He died singing in a talent show! Somebody threw rotten tomatoes at him, and he slipped and fell into the orchestra pit. The feather boa he was wearing around his neck snagged on a nail as he fell and he was hanged!"

"How fitting," Callisto remarked with vicious glee. "May you follow in his clumsy footsteps. Oh, and if you need any help hitting the high notes, I'll be happy to help in any way I can. Does anybody have a dull pair of scissors?"

As always, they just ignored her. Instead, everyone started clucking sympathetically like the overgrown chickens they obviously were, making Callisto want to vomit. She actually heaved a couple of times when Gabrielle called for a group hug (centered around Callisto's chair since she could rise out of it to meet them. Or run screaming into the hills, for that matter.)

"Get Off Me! OFF, YOU SONS OF BACCHAE!" she shrieked as she was enfolded into the sappy embrace. She rocked in her chair violently, desperately trying to fear herself from her bonds through the sheer will power of her disgusted fury, but to no avail. She was forced to endure the oh so nauseating "friendly cuddle" inflicted upon her by these idiots.

But when they finally gave her some breathing space Gabrielle gazed upon Callisto sadly, saying, "Now Callisto, you know the rules. I'm afraid you need a time out."

And with that, her tormentor gently but firmly placed a muzzle around the warrior queen's jaws, stealing even the minimal freedom to tell them all how much she despised them and their miserable soul searching. She tried snapping at Gabrielle's fingers hovering just out of reach of her teeth, but the irritating blond was too deft in her work, leaving Callisto absolutely no consolation for this torture.

Draco in the meantime passed the chakram denoting his time of confession to the next warrior ready to bare his innermost feelings- Ares, God of War.

"Hello, my name is Ares, and I'm the Warlord of warlords," he announced.

"Hello, Ares," responded all those present (that weren't gagged at the time, that is).

"Family problems are at the root of my addiction to conquest, just like Brother Draco. My mother raised me almost as a single parent, but she only paid attention to me when she wanted to score off Zeus. My father was almost never around to see it, though. The only time I could get his undivided attention was when I was acting out- the fall of Babylon, the siege of Tyre, the destruction of Carthage.

"Then he'd show up and tell me that I should be more like Athena who's the Goddess of Wisdom as well as War," he explained.

Don't forget Weaving, Callisto thought with a sneer for both War Gods.

Ares continued his sob story. "'Use your head', he said. 'Be more like your sister- only kill those who refuse to worship the Pantheon,'" he continued bitterly. "Couldn't he see that I only did it because I lacked a strong male role model in my life? I knew what I was doing was wrong, but part of me didn't care. I thought that negative attention was better than being ignored for all eternity.

"After the fall of Carthage I had Zeus looking over my shoulder pretty regularly, and for a time I thought I could build a real relationship with my father. We could go fishing together, or something. But it only lasted for a few measly decades. Then my half-brother Hercules was born, and it was all over for me. All Zeus could think about was Alcmene's precious son."

Callisto thought she'd seen it all, but the sight of the supposedly virile God of War dissolving into a pathetic little emo was lame beyond all measure known to mortal man. She longed to tell him what a loser he was, but that b*tch Gabrielle still had her in her "time out" with no relief in sight.

But wait! Was that a blessed bit of slack in her handcuffs that hadn't been there before?! Could she possibly work her way free...? Redoubling her efforts, she schooled her face into a calm mask, hoping the little pest running the meeting would be fooled by her changed demeanor into believing it was safe to remove her gag. In truth, the warrior's gleaming eyes would probably have betrayed her under close scrutiny, but everyone was too busy repeating the Serenity Prayer along with Ares to notice.

But it didn't take long for Gabrielle to spot her apparent decision to demonstrate a more positive behavior pattern and release the strap clamping Callisto's jaws shut.

"Good, you seem to be in a much happier place than you were a few minutes ago. But of you'd like some extra anger management counseling, Marcus Furius is starting some seminars later this week," her little blond nemesis told her.

"That'th wight," Furius lisped. "I think I could hep you awot."

"Weawy? Gee, that would be thuper!" Callisto told him mockingly.

Furius turned bright red at her taunt and had to be restrained by Xena and Vishus from going after her. After he gave up the struggle with them he shut his eyes and began counting while his comrades gave him plenty of verbal encouragement.

"Oopth, thowy. I mean, sorry," Callisto said with a cheery smile. Drawing first blood on a foe always made her feel much better.

Gabrielle regarded her suspiciously but let it go, much to Callisto's relief. If that witch made her sing "Kumbaya" one more time...

Another warlord took up the chakram looking to get the meeting back on track.

"Theodorus, would you like to take this opportunity to share your feelings with all of us?" Gabrielle prompted encouragingly.

"Yeah," Callisto's former henchman said huskily, then visibly steeled himself for the emotional ordeal he was about to begin. "Hello, my name is Theodorus, and I'm a warlord."

"Hello, Theodorus," came the reply. Callisto silently mouthed a few different words, but either no one was a good enough lip reader to know what she's actually said, or they'd decided to cut her some slack since she wasn't actively disrupting the meeting at that particular moment. A pity, she would have liked to have seen the warrior's reaction to being called a ball-less wonder, but that would have to wait for a more opportune time. Until then, she'd keep working on her fetters, and hopefully tune out the BS he was about to spew.

"It was love that brings me here today," he began. "At least, I thought it was love. I mean, sure I liked to see the fear in people's eyes. It helped build my self esteem, which was low since I was always called fat as a child by my peers. And the loot was nice, too. It helped me to open an animal shelter for abandoned pets, my only real friends. Remember, dogs, cats, and gerbils are people, too!

"But I never would have slaughtered all those innocent people, and sometimes their livestock, if I hadn't fallen for this woman," Theodorus insisted, carefully not looking at Callisto, the not so secret object of his affection.

"She was a warlord, too, so on a Friday night we'd go out and have a night on the town together, fighting the townsfolk, that is. It felt like it was a solid love connection, so I told myself a little skirmish here and there couldn't hurt. But soon the skirmishes turned into all out war. It got so I couldn't make it through the day without a battle. I had to have that first fight before breakfast, even if it was just a tavern brawl, and by noon if I hadn't had a real fight I started feeling shaky and sick. I tried cutting back, I even went cold turkey, but I just couldn't take it."

A number of the warlords listening nodded as he spoke, having been through the same stages in their time. Callisto just stopped listening. She'd heard it too many times before, and it was just as weak the fiftieth time as it was the first. She had something much more important to do. She'd freed one hand right under their snotty noses, so now she just needed to release the other and the rest would be child's play. If the child in question entertained herself by torturing small furry animals, that is.

Almost there... she thought eagerly, already making a list of the order in which she'd kill these twerps. They all deserved to suffer excruciatingly, but after forcing her to come here to these Gods blasted meetings for so long Gabrielle had to top the list.

"... I thought I'd put this all behind me when she was sent to prison, but it didn't last. I needed that conquest," Theodorus admitted sadly.

Just give me a minute and I'll give you what you really need, Callisto thought with rabid anticipation. She wormed her other hand free, then lay some loose straps over her wrists so that she would appear to still be confined. She was ready to put her plan into action at last.

"Can I have the chakram?" she asked with the simulation of innocence. Nobody honestly wanted to listen to Theodorus' whiny blathering, after all.

"You'd like to testify? That's wonderful, you're making a real breakthrough," Gabrielle encouraged. "But what do you say?"

Or else I'll rip your liver out through your eyeballs, Callisto silently thought as her lips were forced to form the sickening words she had to say instead. "May I have the chakram, pretty please? With honey on top?"

Callisto's wheedling was successful, to her deep pleasure. Gripping it tightly, she prepared to give them a piece of her mind before she slaughtered them all.

"Hello, my name is Callisto, and I think every last one of you is lower than pond scum." She didn't wait for them to return her salutation. Perhaps she'd allow them time to bid both her and the world farewell, though. Using the chakram to snap through the chains at her ankles, she then tore the head band away from her brow. She leaped up, drew her arm back and aimed the deadly missile she planned to hurl straight at Gabrielle's tempting throat.

But before she could do so everyone there started laughing uproariously! Somehow Callisto in her uncontrolled wrath was the most hilarious sight they'd ever seen!

"What are you morons laughing at?!" she snarled. "Don't you know that I'm going to kill you all?! You're the most nauseating, pathetic sheep I've ever seen! Each of you used to make the world tremble in hate and fear, and now you're all nothing but a joke! I should be the one laughing at you!"

And laugh she did, a hysterical sound that frightened even her. But she had lost none of her desire to see their swift demise, laughing all the way to Tartarus or no. The last laugh would be hers, if she had to deliver them to Charon personally!

The laughing only got louder, and the warlords nudged each other in their glee, pointing at Callisto as they giggled.

Callisto looked down, following their pointing. "What's so damned fuh..."

She broke off when she discovered the sight that had them all so mirthful. Then she shrieked, "I'm naked?! WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?!"



Callisto wrenched herself awake. She heard mocking laughter echoing in her head. A bolt of fire flared from her fingertips, but the mischievous Olympian God she targeted fled too rapidly even for Callisto's Godly powers, leaving her to rage impotently, "I'll get you for this, Morpheus, I SWEAR IT! I will become your worst nightmare!"