"This is the loan company calling for Sam Smith. If this is Sam Smith, press 1."

I almost refuse to answer the phone any more, for I can't communicate with a recording. There's no option to say that the person you want isn't here, and I lack the handstrength to write down the 11-digit call-back number and the 42-digit account number. And if I lie, and press1, then they never believe that I can't take a message. They simply assume I'm ducking their call.

OK, so I have special circumstances, but what if a 6-year-old answers?

"To place this call on hold while you get Sam Smith, press 2."

And what good will that do? The maximum hold time is three minutes. It takes as long as five minutes for me to get out of my office chair.

The household phone was placed in my office to spare me the up and down when I get a call. We have no extensions. Most of the rest of the family never hears the phone ring. And I'm about to go on strike.

One time I did press 1, and decided to pay on behalf of Sam. They would have agreed to take my check over the phone. But telling me who it was TO - or how much the check would be FOR - they needed Sam's permission to disclose that to me. They couldn't even admit to me there was an amount past due. (Oh the stuff scams are born of.) They told me to name an amount, and they would say Yes or No as to whether it was enough. They did not say whether they would say Yes or No as to whether it would overpay the total account balance. No, I didn't pay it.

"If Sam Smith is not home, press 3."

I don't dare press 3. It will be followed by a one-time rapid recitation of a phone and account number, followed by a Good-bye.

And then the call gets listed as Ignored. Ducked. Refused to talk to us. And two or three of those, and the loan company can file for a collection judgment against Sam. At least that's what they told me when I told them I couldn't write down the number. They warned me that refusal to take down a number would accelerate the legal remedies they have.

"If Sam Smith is no longer at this number, press 4."

And why do I get the sense that they will call the Sheriff if I press 4?

I suspect that credit collectors are up there with the IRS in getting lied to. But the way they treat me - when I'm really just trying to work with them - it's almost like they are LOOKING to fight.