Quite a haunting poem. Very beautiful rhyming and structure. I especially liked the line. "Shouting with anger I drew on the floor, I stomped on my paints, I stomped on the floor", gave me shivers:P
I would however change "I slept at that moment never to awake," too "I slept at that moment never to wake," to make it more compatible in rhythm and rhyme. Very nice job.
All the things that I needed And wasted my chances I have found myself wanting
When my mother and father Gave me their problems I accepted them all
Nothing ever expected I was rejected But I came back for more
And my ashes drift beneath the silver sky Where a boy rides on a bike but never smiles And my ashes fall over all the things we said On a box of photographs under the bed
I will stay in my own world Under the covers I will feel safe inside
A kiss that will burn me And cure me of dreaming I was always returning
And my ashes find a way beyond the fog And return to save the child that I forgot
And my ashes fade among the things unseen And a dream plays in reverse on piano keys
And my ashes drop upon a park in Wales Never-ending clouds of rain, and distant sails
It seems interesting from a historical standpoint. You obviously know a fair amount about this point in Russian history, and I can see that your writing has progressed a great deal since your first posts but I can't help but find the whole conversation very unnatural. I mean they go from being cautious and inquisitive of this fellow to amazed and friendly in hardly a minute. It just doesn't seem to flow like a human conversation would if you know what I mean..
Its a cute story (sorry if you don't like that description but I thought it really was cute:P). I would like to see you add more to this, get more into the character of the man and the personality of the dog, maybe do a Turner and Hooch sort of deal. It could work? Anyway, for just a short little story its not bad at all:)
Log in to comment