Isolation.

Anxiety.

Hopelessness.

I try to be strong. I really, really do. I do not mean to be theatrical. I understand that that is how I lose people. I just wish that when i do break, people quit making me feel bad about it. I work in a terrible enviornment when my night and day manager are gone. A select few have made it terrible. There is a server who freaks out over the little things. He reacts violently and will glare and say 'seat me again and I'll kill you'. There are two kitchen preps who have an 'im better than you so do my bidding or else i'll blame you for me not working' attitude. Our servers in general are getting terrible attitudes. After getting b itched out 3 times in a row, I think its fair to say that I was allowed to break down, right? I mean, I've been putting up with this for months.

So Mama told our GM. He told me to suck it up and get back to work. That I shouldn't let them get to me.

Excuse me? After I get done telling you that I have been putting up with this mental abuse bs at this place for months, all you can say is, get thicker skin? What kind of douche are you?

I was inufuriated and humiliated.

Then, to top it all off, the threatening server had the audacity to wave it off as a joke. 'Oh honey, I was just joking'. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't take threats on my life from violent people as funny or as a joke.

And to top it all off, after that horrendous night, something very...new happened. A new situation that has never happened before. It has me a little worried because after playing an annoying bout of phone tag, all contact is gone. I'm not sure whether to be pissed or terrified.

See, the last time something like this happened, I was utterly abandoned.

I understand that I am probably freaking out over nothing. I will openly admit that. But I am also slipping into a mental state where I'm not sure where reality is.

Am I desperate for contact? Hell yes I am! I don't care what goes on, as long as it goes.

I'm pis sed, I'm hysterical, I hurt and ache, my body is freezing as my fever breaks. Tonight is really not a good night.