They surround me and confuse me. I am constantly lost now it seems. So much has happened in the last week. I will not elaborate because the people I am writing this to will understand.

Mentally, I am exhausted. I'm tired, its affecting my health, and I'm going to have too much time to think this weekend.

I've never really had a problem like this before. I've know for a very long time what my acceptances for myself and the community are. And now I'm having to own up.

Its terrifying. Its thrilling. And I feel utterly alone when what I expected was support.

I'm not sure if its a me thing, because it very well might be. I mean, I was told that I had support. Yet at this moment in time I feel like its closed off to me. I thought that it would be a steady thing. I knew my limits with it.

With my lack of detail, it makes it difficult to describe what happened tonight. I was happy and content and more importnantly rational and ready to talk about my issues. Or at least some thoughts on them.

And then instead of being asked the question I was earlier, instead I was asked something that I hadn't even thought of. And when I expressed my distress, I was brushed off and pushed aside. And two seconds later, the conversation was over and I was alone with my own personal hell once more.

I never expected this to be easy. Last night took me off my guard and showed me that everything would be ok. And now I feel as if I made a mistake letting it down.

I can't go through this alone. Is this why people kill themselves? No, I'm not suicidal. I'm just wondering.

But as I said, I never expected this to be easy. I expected it to be slow and painful and disappointing. With all that has happened, I never for one minute expected around the clock support or constant feelings of empathy.

History really is the best prophecy for the future.

I really do not want to have to go back to this website for emotional support. Its lonely and isolated. I'd rather use it as a medium.

So here's some steps on how to deal with me:

If you're busy, then just say so. Just assure me you'll be back with me as soon as you can(even if its not true, it still sounds nice; I'll take a nice tale over a crappy lie anyday).

If you don't feel like dealing with me, lie and say you're busy.

Tell me that everything is going to be ok. Thats what I need. Not that I'll get through this or that you don't know. Just tell me everything will be ok.

If I get hysterical, then just tell me to calm down. Stop and think. It worked the other night, didn't it.

I have no control over where my mind goes. Please, please don't tell me what to do when it comes to this. Make suggestions, encourage, but do not tell me what needs to happen. at least not yet. I've only had this problem since what, the night before last night? Cut me some slack.

IfI snap, don't snap back with frustration. Just tell me to stop for a second and breath. You have to be the strong one in this, the patient one.

If I start messing with your emotions, tell me that too. It could be beneficial and we could work things out together more accurately than ever before. But do not close yourself off from me. I will know and it will make me hysterical quickly. Like tonight.

I do not hold all the answers. So I don't expect you to. I don't need you doing the psychoanalysis stuff I do on you, done on me. If you want to, sure, go for it. But I don't expect it of you. You'll get me through this just fine with assurances that you're here and that I'll be ok.

I don't expect you to be around all the time. I just expect the half-schedule we've kinda established. So if I get emotional or moody because you were gone, don't get upset and leave, please. Bear with me. I promise this me won't last forever.

My intress in this movie died with my tears, so I'll have to watch it again when I wake up.

If you can't handle me, tell me that too. Or set up limits with me so I can know how much of me to hide or give away.

I don't enjoy this lack of control. Its terrifying. I just want to know who I am again. The entire foundation of my being is being shifted. Can't I get a little emotional?

Last night was more than I could have ever hoped for. Tonight was a nightmare. If we could find a median between the two, that would be great. I don't want to rain on your parade, but its best to tell you this now and get it over with than to wait a bit later and you think I'm just trying to stir up stuff.

And if you need me for your emotional support, I can assure you that it will not affect my problems. In my mind, I have a separate component just for you and when you need me, everything kinda gets tuned out and that part takes over. So don't hesitate to tell me.

As I write this, I cried for the good portion of it. And she sat here and didn't so much as ask what was wrong. So lets not bring her in on this for a long time, ok? Please.

I'm sorry if I was too much tonight. I didn't mean to be. And I'm sorry if this blog annoys you or makes you mad. I didn't mean for that to happen either. I just wanted to set some of these guidelines down for you tonight, and you blew me off before I got the chance.