I try so hard sometimes, you know? I do my best to be happy, to make others happy. But sometimes, despite my best efforts, they fail.

I want my husband. I want him more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. I would give anything to have him here beside me.

I'm not sure what happened. Work had gone great and even managed to calm me down some from the anxiety attack I had been having all day. And then I came home, and was still in my good mood.

And now I can't stop crying. I'm not sure how, I'm not sure why, but I just can't stop. I feel like a part of me is in great distress and I just want it to stop! For someone to tell me that its all going to be ok. But no one will because I'm surrouned by selfish people who claim to care about me but when I tell them what I need, they ignore it. I love them all and I would do anything for them. Even though they use me. I won't stop them because if they have to use someone, it might as well be me. I really am that pathetically in need of them.

So many things have been going great. And then suddenly it all has been ripped apart because I notice the flaws. I'm hormonal and unbelieveably lonely. I can't deal with this anymore. In fact, suicide sounds like a pretty awesome thing right about now.

Except it doesn't. Because I have to birth the next generation.

I have no idea where I'm going with this. All I know is that there are only two people, my husband not included, who can make me feel better and both are ignoring me. I have no idea what I did. And I can't complain because both will accuse me of being theatrical or selfish or hormonal and they will encourage me to sleep.

And yet I know thats just the selfish part of my brain speaking.

I love my family very much. I also worry about them a great deal. My sister has to attend school with the two who*es who threatended me for nearly a month and my brother is in and out of suicide-mode every other day. I don't want them to think that this hinders me in anyway. I'm not complaining. I'm just explaining.

Both worry about ending up alone. Why can't they see that they will be fine in the long run. Its me that will end up alone.

Like I always am.

To my brother and sister, I'm sorry if I offended you. I'm not sure what I did, but I am utterly sorry about it.

To everyone else, I'm sorry too. You have to read this emotional shi*t.

I just want everything to work out. I just want tomorrow to make up for the shi*tty today. I just want my siblings to contact me.

And I just want my husband.

Its so hard to keep it together all the time. I feel myself crack at many times during the day. Recently I rediscovered when I adore 1000 Words from FFX-2.

Yet I'm not even allowed to acknowledge it out loud. Dam it I hate this! Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't anything go smoothly for once,

Until I hear back from them, I'll attempt to keep it together. Hopefully this blog means that I won't unload everything onto my brother. He wouldn't handle that very well and might even avoid me. I would be devastated.

No nii-san, you're not to blame. This is all me. Please just let it be all me. I don't have the strength to calm myself, let alone keep you together too. So I'll keep this locked up once again after this blog. I'm not sure if you'll read it or comment about it. Part of me wants you to, part of me doesn't.