So I finally got into the mindset that I have been trying to get to all along. I am over myself, over trying to get a relationship out of this. I finally got myself to love her like a sister. Like I told a friend, I still love her and I will always love her, but I can honestly say that I now love her the same way I love my own sister, rather than what I had been pushing towards before.
I know I was trying to emphasize "being a brother," but amazingly, I didn't get here by thinking that way. In fact, my friend was telling me how he was trying to get more than friendship out of relationship with a girl from his hometown. After an awkward start, he was safely able to navigate back: "Although I don't see her near as much as I used to, we get along great, and it's not nearly as awkward." Well, while I respected where he was coming from and generally (at least theoretically or on paper) wanted that to be the temporary result of my relationship, it was almost horrific giving up all the time I had spent with her before. I was willing to back track a little, but I really didn't want to give up all the time we spent together (which I guess we don't spend much time together right now, but at school, I wanted to be with her a bit). So this was the factor that kept this method from being effective.
However, it wasn't until I was thinking about MY history in high school. It originated from thinking about her and David, what all they did for fun according to what I had gathered from Xenga. Then after a couple of twists and turns through my mind, I had to actually consider what I had done for fun through high school. Since prom and all that other crap was off limits for my schooling (I though they were a waste of time and money anyway, lol), I was wondering what I did that made me survive the loneliness, how I kept myself entertained in such a boring town, and how I was able to feel self-confident and stand strong on my own before when now I crave communication with my peers. What was so different about then and now?
So that's when things gradually started to hit me. Generally, my recreation and interaction with people came with my super-involvement in the youth group and college ministry. I didn't have the "luxury" (I enjoyed my flexible schedule and privacy a great deal at the time) of being around friends practically every day of the week. Indeed, I realized that nearly my entire senior year of high school, my best friends were the ever-present, aways-pressing homework assignments from Texas Tech and all my internet websites. I was an active forum member for game sites, eBay, youtube, you name it, I could pass hours easily. Since I didn't have a gaming console, watching entire walkthroughs would suffice; forums and blogs (plus my locked journals) could help me pass the time and allow me to communicate to complete strangers who wouldn't sabotage me in any way later on.
What WAS there to do in Abilene? And that's when everything started to fall into place. I had to think like high school me, back when I was a philosopher who couldn't stand people and was more than happy to lock himself away from society in order to live in solitude and freakin' big entertainment devices and things that I could enjoy entirely on my own. I really did hate people, and I was determined to never, ever get married. I had the list and everything; I promised myself that if I ever did really fall in love, I could just read over it again to snap me out of it and get back to hermit-dom. I read it now, and it was built entirely on worry, you know, "This could happen and ruin both of our lives." Yes, everything on that list could happen, and probably there are over 20 things on that list of some 75 that will without a doubt come true. But faith is another factor. It was also at that time in my life that I was determined that I could build a ton of store houses, never have to work again, and live on entirely dependent of God on my own skills. I had read Luke 12:16-21, but I was determined that I could live on against the warning. I'm not feeling quite so lucky anymore.
Anyway, back into the mindset. Why was I lonely now when I didn't care before? Well for one, I never was completely alone, despite what I told myself. I always had the youth group, the church, my jobs (which I could almost always work thanks to my incredibly flexible schedule), my random friendships. However, those came when they came. And come to think of it, I was very lonely through most of high school. Why was I able to not care anymore my senior year? Well, I can blame the internet, for one, but there had to more factors than computer screens to keep my occupied. Yes, school sucked me dry too, but even all those factors combined could not lead me to my current state of mind.
So actually, how DID I come to this new mindset that doesn't drive me crazy? I'm not sure right now, but I'm sure I'll figure it out before this blog is over. Let's see, it had something to do with what I did for fun through high school. Maybe it had to do with all the girls that considered me a brother figure (mostly little brother, haha, but I'll take what I can get, they're super-cool anyway). I may have just broke it down to that fact that I was married to God's will at the time for me to get through school and that I never had time for a relationship with a girl. I had a happy senior year, free of the usual crap that typical high school seniors "have to" take part in. Well, since I didn't really care about that stuff but care about people who did, I was able to look at them as friends. And I think somewhere around there hit me: she and David cared about that stuff. well, it was a big deal in my mind, since stuff like proms were another experience that they shared that I didn't share with her. It was more they idea of me going back to what I was; I don't need a relationship to be happy, I didn't even need a lot of friends to be happy. In fact, since no one ever called me or talked to me to do stuff outside of the big church trips and planned stuff, I survived four years with very little daily human interaction. I did it for four years before, I can sure as hell survive a break away from my sisters and brothers and not get to talk to them everyday.
The old system really was better than the old one. Generally, I chose to live free of dependency, and I've adopted new dependencies over the semester. Although some are good and needed to be built, there are some that never needed to exist, or that needed to exist but not to this extent. I'm going back through my dependencies, and I'm taking out the unnecessary ones one by one.
So that's how I ended up here. After realizing that I really am strong without people, it was easy to let it go. It felt really good, lemme tell ya, and I'm actually ready. I just needed to relax, to not overthink what I needed to say to her to make her like me. I just need to be brother, and I can say practically anything I want and she'll love me like a brother. I can honestly say I'm relaxed now, that I'm through trying to get her attention over David or school. I have a life, and I'm not going to throw it away on ANYTHING. Here I go, and even though it's 3:30 in the AM, I'm feeling awesome and at peace. Thanks for singing over me, God.
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