Well, it's official in my mind right now. I give up. I don't know if this relationship is going to go anywhere, and I'm not going to try to keep it alive if she is not going to talk to me. No malice involved on either side, I just realize that I have been wasting my time. I still love her, and if time allows, hopefully God will bring us together at some point in time or another, but if I keep pursuing her and am not getting any response in return, all I am doing is pushing her away. I have to got to just stop trying.

This is killing me. I really wish we could talk. I want to be that special guy who she can tell anything, I can tell her anything, and we can have a really close friendship that may eventually lead to marriage, but we're both freshman in college. I have 7 more semesters that are going to get progressively harder before I even start grad school. I have got to take the on paper approach and not let my heart get in the way. Love will not find the way if I don't let reality be my path. I hate reality, it never works the way we want it to.

I guess that's one reason there are so many of us gamers, we live in surreality where we are heroes, where we are what we want to be. I really am a hero in real life, and I believe that what I do really has and does affect the people around me. I am a leader; the best leaders don't force their leadership but move on their way and may or may not notice the crowd behind them. There are people watching me, I know it, and I have to make sure to set a good example. I've had my head in the clouds for so long that I forgot that I'm incapable of flight. I can come close, but only God can give me wings.

Why have I not let God in? I'm reading His Words everyday, but I am still not connected to Him. I feel like I am just using Him and all of His resources. I can pretend to be connected to Him. Generally I think I'm following His instructions and directions, but I think both me and Him want the relationship. Have I been trying to fill in my need for my relationship with Him with her? I REALLY like her; she's a godly women, and we have real conversations. I can be real around her. I guess I can be real around Him as well, but I always feel like I'm either shouting at Him or stopping by Customer Service. Oh no; It's becoming that way in this physical relationship. I'm either shouting at her or talking her for my own emotional fix. Man, I suck. Yo var muchisimo.

So I am alone again. I told myself that I didn't care about being alone six months ago. I can be awesome on my own. I can accomplish so much on my own. I still believe that I am a more effective tool in God's hands if I'm not attached to someone else. That way I won't get obsessed with the other person rather than keeping my eyes on Him. I actually caught myself reading over her old Xanga that she had all through high school. I tried to compare it to what I was doing at the time, but of course the obsessed part of me wanted to know everything about her, what she stood for at that age, what was fun at the time, how she connected to her friends and boyfriend at the time. Maybe I was just trying to see what I am up against: what will I have to do to make her forget that relationship and want to be with me instead? Two years. They were together for two years, and apparently they kissed within the first 5 months.

I know high school was a stupid age. At each level of school, I look back and regret my actions and immaturity of the school before. Middle schoolers were the biggest idiots when I was in high school (they still are pretty stupid, as we all know, but try to follow my point). Now that I'm in college, there are a lot of things I did in high school that I wish I could take back (fortunately dating was not one of them, because I never dated in high school). Now I'm in college; I am certain I will regret something that I will do four or more years from now. Thus is the circle of life. Still, each of those levels influence all of us, and they still indicate many of the beliefs that influenced what and who I am now. I was a very angry but incredibly wise sage in high school. On paper I had the system down to an algorithm, but that didn't mean that I knew how to live in reality. Indeed, the virtual or imaginary is much more satisfying (in the immediate sense) than living in what really is, normally.

So here I am, overthinking. I am not happy with my decision, and it is going to take every muscle in my body and every ounce of control I have to keep my brain and heart from ignoring the new command. If I were a machine, this would be so much easier. Emotions. They still haven't gotten a formula yet. There has to be one, even among all the inconsistencies. Maybe there isn't one yet because it will take someone who is living yet entirely emotionless to break it down and inform the rest of us. I hate this roller coaster, and it is one of my own design.

This past week I have been running over my mind all the things I wanted to tell her. How was I going to get those out to her? And then I decided it was time to play mind games, to see how much I could recover before I lost it all on my own. I decided that I would tell her that I was perfectly happy being just another guy friend, another buddy with whom she could talk to. I loved our hour and hour long conversations; they were truly the highlight of my days, and I felt truly human. It was more than worth it to only get 2 hours of sleep to talk to her about anything. I swear, I'd do it again, even after all this.

The crazy part is that she probably has no idea that I'm running myself through hell. Yeah, she deserves a break; talking to me is just another thing that she has to do while she doesn't have school. I never ever want to be another thing on the to do list; I want to make her just as happy to talk to me, to be the highlight of any day, but so far that only seemed to be the case with school. I think I will continue talking to her when school starts back up, but I am going to have to make sure she initiates it rather than me so that I don't get crazily obsessive again. Heck, and I'm already making plans to through my game plan out the window. I var exponentially.

As you can imagine, I didn't tell her anything that I wanted to tell her. I told her that I would give her more breathing room if she needed it and that I didn't want to make her feel obligated to talk to me, to which she replied that she was so glad that I understood how hectic the break has been. That made me feel a little guilty, until I realized how much time she spends on Facebook complaining about being bored. She never returned my call, which I guess is kind of my fault since I told her in voice mail that she didn't have to. Sigh. .... And I just now received a message from her apologizing for missing my call and being crazy busy. I don't know what to think or believe anymore. Maybe I should just stop thinking and freaking MOVE ON!

BUT I DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS!!!! If there is a chance, I want to keep it alive. Which means I probably need to just let it grow in its own. DAMN IT, MAN!! What the HELL am I doing? Right now, overthinking again.

I'll take comments if you care, but mostly, just venting, as usual.