...but not much jolly. My entire life I've suffered from chronic depression but, for some reason, every year around this time it worsens. It's not the weather, because I've lived in all sorts of different climates from July in the low 40s through December in the warm 80s (reverse of normal for North America), but every year it's the same. I think it's the holidays that do it to me. So much anticipation of happy times built on top of expectation and knowledge of certain disappointment. With a lifetime of experience I've become very good at hiding how I'm really feeling and wearing a happy face so as not to be a downer on the people I love. For myself I try to mask it by doing things that make me feel good, like giving gifts, excessive cooking, watching happy people out and around, but that's all it is, a mask, and mostly because I know it's just a mask hiding something very bleak. Tonight over the past few hours I could physically feel the deepening depression settling on me. It's almost comforting in a distressing sort of way. I don't enjoy feeling dismal about everything, but it's familiar, something I've come to know and expect. It just wouldn't be Christmas without feeling this way. But this year I've decided to try something different. Instead of trying to be light, cheerful and accommodating all the time I'm going to try to be honest about how I'm feeling because I think the people I care about deserve that honesty from me. I'll still keep doing the things I enjoy (I'm pretty narcissistic), but not with the purpose of making others worry less about me, but just trying to enjoy them. I've lived enough of my life worrying about how other people feel about me. I'm not going to be intentionally trying to force my feelings onto others, just not hiding them anymore. It may be a challenge to break my lifelong pattern, and I'm sure I'll slip into old habits from time to time, but now the thought is planted, maybe I can stick with it. I can be pretty stubborn about things once an idea gets into my head. So, in the spirit of honesty, right now I'm feeling lost, hopeless and very... so very alone. I'm not fishing for sympathy, just throwing truth out there. If you feel obligated sympathy for me you can keep it to yourself. I don't mean that in an obnoxious way, but in learning to effectively hide my feelings I've become very perceptive about genuine vs. forced/prompted pathos. No that I've received that here, but still. Gah, I sound like such an ass. I don't mean to. I really do appreciate kind words. Huh, I think I have to find a good way to balance this honesty thing with my nice-guy nature. I hope I don't lose people over it. I s'pose that's all. Time for milk, cookies and sleep.