Im feeling depressed now. Its hard to be happy, when the price for having happiness is this high. I dont know what to believe anymore. But I do know one thing with absolute certainty.... I cant trust myself. I hear one thing and then the opposite. And then I hear more contradictions. I'm so confused! Why cant I just be happy for once without having to sacrifice myself or anyone else to have it? Does such a happiness even exist? If it does, will I ever find it? I wish I could just jump into a time machine and go back to that night under the moon and stay there forever... I was happy that night. Will that happiness return? Something is horribly wrong! I can feel it! Is this the same feeling Kelly was having? I am so torn within myself. I'm torn between my most trusted friends, myself, and LaRae. And I dont know who to believe anymore.

GOD DAMN IT!!! WHY WAS I CREATED TO BE THIS WAY? Why was I made to care about others? Why cant I just be a stereotypical jack-ass who does give a F*ck about anyone else? I wish that I only cared about getting p*ssy! Why do I care so much for everybody else? Why do I screw myself over again and again for others? Cant I just do one thing thats for me? Cant I be heartless for once? I want to be heartless! I want to be a bastard! I want to be self-centered! But the reality is that I am none of those things, even when I try, I still cant be any of those things.

I curse the day I was born...The day my twin died so that I may live.

Do you have the answers GOD? Can you tell me why? Does anybody know? Will I ever find out? Will I ever be the man that I want to be instead of the man that I am? Will there ever come a day when I start looking out for myself? Will it ever end? Will I be the one to end it?