Caleb picked up his cellular telephone and inquired "Hello?"

The voice on the other end retorted with a clever "Yes?"

Caleb asked a peculiar question, knowing he was speaking to his wife of 3 years on the other end, "Is Caleb there?"

Unphased by this question, his wife Sarah replied back saying "Uhm, lemme see." There was a brief moment of silence while Caleb waited for an answer. He could see through her eyes and he knew that she was looking at Caleb in his house, laying back, motionless, staring at the ceiling with blank look on his face. "No, he's still gone."

Caleb slowly lowered his phone to his side and dropped it to the ground. He took in his surroundings and knew he was standing on a country road with a few houses a couple hundred feet from him. A large tree was off to his right and it had long, sturdy branches that swayed in the wind, above his head. In front of him was a small bridge crossing a creek carrying what was probably irrigation water to surrounding farmlands. Across the creek was another road that curved to the right and Caleb could see in the distance, two mangy-looking dogs barreling down the road towards him.

Panic set in and seconds later the dogs were right in front of him flaring their teeth and barking menacingly. Without another thought Caleb jumped up to incredible heights and grabbed the nearest branch in the tree next to him. The branch was flimsy but didn't break, it just swung him down to ground and back up. Caleb tried grabbing more branches to try and get away from the ravenous dogs. He swung down again and stuck his feet out trying to kick the dogs away but he lost his grip on the branches and rolled a few yards on the ground.

An annoying squeaking noise was the next thing Caleb had to deal with because he next found himself awake in his room, hearing his chinchilla's wheel turning, making loud noises. Caleb rolled over and put his good ear into his pillow. He fell back asleep, minutes later.

In military uniform, he was standing in a small room with about 40 other people. The instructors asked all new people to raise their hand and move to the corner of the room. A voice spoke out saying something about "delousing" and the instructor reprimanded the vocal maggot. Caleb, being new, was afraid of being "deloused" and didn't raise his hand. The people in the corner were informed that they will be in great pain for the next hour or so. Caleb moved on with the rest of the group to another room with a pool that was Olympic sized in length but only hot tub sized in width. The instructors told us that we need to swim the short width of the pool as many times as we could in 30 seconds.

Caleb dropped down into the pool after the signal was given and he pushed against the side of pool and quickly reached the other side, pushing his way back. He noted that the bottom of the pool was nowhere to be seen. It had been 30 seconds so he came up and he saw a bunch of Nerf basketballs being thrown around by everyone. Caleb threw his ball across the pool and watched it get lost in the midst of the many other basketballs being thrown about. The point of this exercise eluded him and he soon found himself slipping away into nothingness.

The alarm, beeping loudly while mixing this annoying noise with an equally annoying static radio noise, woke him up at 7 a.m.

Ok, so i'm making burgers for my office this Friday and i'm calling them Dagwood burgers. No one has heard of them. However, it's to be noted that I do live in a backwater town of about 13 thousand people and it doesn't surprise me that the old fashioned people I work with have not heard of something like this. Now, I looked up recipes of this on the internet and most of them mention putting salami on the burger with the other ingredients but, in my opinion, salami is something more suited to be on a Ritz cracker or a pizza than a burger so i'm going to say **** it to the salami.

Anyway, my point is, here's my reciipe for a damn good Dagwood Burger that any carnivore can enjoy.

Meat:
Hamburger Patty (I prefer meat from cows raised in pastures grazing peacefully on green grass and sweet oats and not on animal byproducts.)
Sliced Ham (Not Canadian Bacon... they're different.
Bacon (Smoked n' yummy.)

Cheese:
American or Cheddar Cheese (Tillamook, only the best)
Pepper Jack (for a kick)

Toppings: *Lettuce *Tomato *Onions (Grilled) *Pickles *And the usual Ketchup, Mustard, Mayo

Bun: Whatever. Some people like to use a big roll or a Ciabatta roll but this isn't ****ing Rachel Ray, i'm just using some Hamburger Buns, alrighty? Toast 'em.

Special: Egg (Fried)

Directions: Cook the food. Stack in this order: Bun -> Egg -> Burger -> Cheese (melted) -> Onions -> Bacon -> Pickles -> Ham -> Tomato -> Lettuce -> Condiments -> Bun.

Consume. Defecate. Sleep.

Ok, so here I am at my wife's Grandma's house and i'm posting from a gigantic keyboard that has keys bigger than my balls. It's ****ing maniacal.

What's really funny is the fact the screen is about as wide as my arm is long. Not to mention there's a tower sitting next to it that has an engine that's probably more powerful than the engine in my truck.

All this power and the most advanced game it will ever play is solitaire. :?

FEAR MY NEKKIDNESS!

I wonder what Spongebob looks like naked? Well, I know what he looks like naked but that's what he looks like naked on a G-rated kids show. What does he look like naked... in an anime or hentai? Is there Spongebob pr0n out there that people create? Dare I google ye? Dare I?

Must resist. Must not type it. Must not google this. This pandora's box; I will not open.

Deities only know what sickening things i'll be exposed to if I type this phrase into my favorite search engine. The repurcussions of my actions would be too much to bare. This hero in many a child's eye would be tainted forever. My wife would never look at me the same way.

No... of course, I won't look at it. I have self control, now. It's taken years for things like this fall off my radar. Isn't it funny, though, that all this spawned me looking at Spongebob PJs that i'm wearing at this very moment? Is it a bad sign that my mind drifts off on tangents such as these?

Of course, I suppose the real question is; Spongebob pr0n, do YOU dare?

I woke up this morning and grabbed an english muffin from the clear bag on the counter. They still smelled fresh. I sliced the muffin in two and put one half against my ear to see if I could hear the ocean. I got crumbs in my ear.

Opening the middle drawer searching for a knife to spread butter with, I hurt my lower back and had to hobble over to my easy chair to recuperate. Flustered, I went back to try and grab the knife, again. Things went well this time and I scooped a hefty amount of butter with my knife. I paused for a moment, sensing danger and at that very moment, a loud noise jolted me out of my brief trance.

Next thing I knew, I had a knife stuck in my eye and with my remaining eye, I saw my hefty scoop of butter fly through the air and onto my face.