She said she loves me.

Alright, I suppose I should back up a bit. In a recent blog about 10 days ago, though now deleted, I mentioned that I had a great first date with a girl but the relationship was over due to our differences. However, we talked, and talked, and talked some more. Despite being two people who are in radically different places, there is a commonality in that our goals in life eventually leads us into the same direction. During our many discussions and ramblings, we officially began a dating relationship.

Here's the thing, I have come to the conclusion that I fear commitement. Due to past hurts, I find it rather difficult to become emotionally attached to another person. One of my coworkers noted that the only emotion that I am capable of is love for God, of which I corrected her by adding a second emotion of hatred toward sin.

Though I am certainly becoming emotionally attached, I fear becoming vulnerable once again. Due to my fears, of which being nothing personal with her, I have found myself incapable of becoming dependant upon another. Though I care for her more than I ever expected to within such a short length of time, I am fearful of giving away my trust once again.

Regardless of my inability to truly connect emotionally, I have enjoyed her company and being able to share with another person once again. Whether or not this is even a sensible statement or not I do not know, but over the last few years of being single I had become lonely but had forgotten that I was even lonely. Now that I am finally able to open up the amount that I have, it has been great. Sharing your life with another person is amazing, I just have to remember how to do so once again.

What will happen, I do not know. What I can say is that I am liking the way things are going more and more with each passing day despite my insecurities. Every day I find her to be more and more amazing.

Today she told me, "I think I am in love with you." I was incapable of responding in the same manner largely because of my own personal issues. Does my heart race at the mere mention of her? Absolutely. Am I capable of devoting such a large part of my life to another person? Sadly, apparently not. Hopefully she will be patient with me as I seek after my own sanity.

And as a side subject, the racism I am having to deal with inside my own family because I am dating a girl outside of my ethnicity is idiotic. I never expected so much backlash. o_O