I lied when I said we'd learn how to cheat at Monopoly today :twisted:
Now, some people have families that love to cook. And some people in some of those families like enjoy the cooking so much, they like to attempt to sneak in sips or licks of condiments, handfuls of salt to eat in bed, or even whole pieces of food that you know is for eating the next day.
If this describes you, there's another thing you have to consider:
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN CAUGHT?
If the answer is "Every time," "Sometimes," "Occasionally," or "Once," you need to learn what you're doing wrong so you won't get caught in the future.
If the answer is "Never," there is still the possibility that you may get caught one day, so you need to learn what you didn't know so you can keep on avoiding getting caught.
I, for one, have been doing this for 5 years and STILL HAVE NEVER BEEN CAUGHT. :D
This is because I have figured out on my own the secret tips and tricks to keeping one's nocturnal noshing stealthy.
Not Getting Caught Basics:
1. If there is a person sleeping near the fridge area, you have to make sure he's REALLY sleeping. Step to an area where it wouldn't seem to a passerby that you are attempting to break into the fridge. If you go up to the face of the suspected sleeper, there is the chance he WON'T be asleep and you'll have to wait more than 10 minutes for him to forget what you did so that it won't be suspicious. Stay perfectly still, and keep your breathing quiet. When you can hear snoring, it's safe to open the fridge.
2. When it comes to sounds that might mean someone's coming, trust your gut feelings. The gut is usually right. However, it's better to be safe than sorry. A nervous gut keeps one safer than one that tells oneself "it's just my imagination, so go right ahead."
Sips:
1. Drink Coffee-Mate, half-and-half, or any creamer in very low light (but not darkness). If you successfully poured the cream into a glass and put the carton back without anyone catching you, just sit or stand in the kitchen sipping it. If anyone happens to come into the kitchen, they will assume you're drinking milk. Your parents might even praise you for getting your calcium! ;) Just be sure they don't turn on the light, or they'll notice that thedrink is too white, shiny, and thick-looking to be milk!
2. Bottles/jars that were meant to be sipped from: oils, vinegar, the brine in pickled foods. Bottles that were meant to be squirted: lemon juice, lime juice, squirty condiments. Basically, if it's pourable, sip it; if it's squeezable, squirt it. If it's a watery liquid like lemon or lime juice, aim for the back of the throat. If it's a squeezy condiment, squirt some in your hand (try not to let it make fart sounds) and lick it off. It is NOT acceptable to put your tongue on or inside any container in the fridge.
3. To discreetly ingest a package of soy sauce, quietly take one out of the drawer and hold it in your hand. Without flashing the packet ("flashing" refers to letting a large area of a contraband object show out noticeably from your hand or bag), go to the nearest unoccupied bathroom, enter and lock it. Sit on the toilet, rip open the packet, and while actually going to the bathroom, place your lips on the packet and clamp down hard (don't use your teeth), and proceed to suck out the entire contents. Do this as fast as possible. When the packet is empty, drop it in the toilet, use toilet paper if necessary, and flush. Wash your hands and don't exit until you're sure that the packet has flushed successfully.
Salt:
Basically, all you need to do is wait until no one can see you, find the salt shaker or a box/container of salt (kosher salt tastes best), pour some into your hand, and run off to bed where you secretly lick the salt off your hand and rub it all over your taste buds. Several crucial areas you probably didn't know could taste: the corners where your tongue meets the back of your mouth, the soft palate, the cheeks, the spit glands underneath the tongue, the tonsils, the back of your throat (avoid puking), and a spot at the base of the gum of your fangs where it meets your lips. Practice feeling around for those spots right now so you'll find them when you're eating the salt.
Snibbles:
The general rule here is: DON'T EAT AN ACTUAL SERVING OR ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES A KNIFE!! Acceptable snibbles:
Whole olives/marinated artichoke hearts/roasted peppers/etc.(one or two, but no more)
One piece of leftover side dishes (avoid making aluminum foil sounds or anything that requires a spoon)
One cookie (beware of crumbs)
UNACCEPTABLE snibbles:
Fingerfuls of butter, margarine, icing, etc.
A bite of cheese, steak, pickle, etc. that means someone will take it out and say "Why is there a bite mark on this?" (one or two PRE-CUT CUBES of cheese is okay though)
Onions or garlic (they'll smell it on your breath when they walk into your room the next morning)
And the most important rule of all:
IF IT'S NEVER BEEN OPENED, DON'T OPEN IT; IF IT'S THE LAST OF IT, DON'T EAT IT.
This will lead to people wondering "Hey, how did this seal come off?" or "What happened to the last of the...?"
What I'd really like to know is: Is there anyone else that can relate to this post?
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