Before I begin, I would like to point out that the lack of a "politics" category on these blog thingies is a glaring oversight for Gamespot. Does Gamespot think that nobody at all on this site would ever be interested in writing a blog about politics? Seriously? Well, I don't mind wading into the murky waters that pretty much dictate...well...everything that happens in the entire world around us. Sure, it is a boring subject, but with just a little bit of help, I think that maybe I can clarify the stances of the two main political parties in the U.S. just a little bit. Keep in mind that I intend to do this with my trademark sarcasm barely leashed, so a touch of it may escape from time to time. And, as always, nothing I say is to be taken seriously by anyone at all. Now, let's go directly to the issues. This is where I attempt to cut through the rather copious amounts of poop that you read every day and summarize what the two sides are really saying. Torture Republicans: Conservatives are strong on this issue. We are willing to do anything and everything it takes to protect you, your family and even your pet dog. I do mean anything. We will happily torture people that have been convicted of no crime if that is what it takes to protect you...just in case they might be bad. Granted, confessions obtained under torture are notoriously unreliable because, shockingly, studies have found that people who are under extraordinary amounts of pain will generally say anything and everything that you want them to say in order for the pain to stop. Most kids learned this in kindergarten when they were on either the giving or receiving end of an Indian Burn, but we want to be sure. Fortunately, you aren't a terrorist or this might be scary. But then again, how do we really know that you aren't a terrorist? Well, just to be on the safe side maybe we should... Democrats: We are against torture. At least, we kind of are. A couple of us, Senator Schumer of New York and Senator Feinstein of California, just agreed to let someone who refuses to declare that Waterboarding (a technique practiced by, among others, the Nazis and the Japanese on American troops during WWII, the Khmer Rouge and the Spanish Inquisition) is torture to become the U.S. Attorney General, but at least most of the Democrats voted against the confirmation. I mean, in the words of Chuck Schumer, we at least "registered our displeasure" with President Bush for condoning torture. And that has to count for something...right? I mean, we have very slim majorities in the Senate to protect and we don't want to look weak on terror. We have to pick our battles very carefully. After all, we don't want to risk looking weak! Gay Rights Republicans: Gays should have no rights. In fact, we should toss every single person who even thinks about sucking on a **** or having sex in someone's VIP entrance in jail. None of us have ever had sex with anyone other than a straight, heterosexual partner in the missionary position while married to said partner. And no, Foley, Craig, Haggard and Gannon don't count. Neither do any of these people. Democrats: We believe that gays should have full rights and protections under the law like everyone else. We support something called "Civil Unions", because our country's experiences with black/white education issues a few decades ago showed us that separate but equal works just fine. We can't push too hard, too soon or else we might suffer consequences in an election year. Society just isn't ready to support full marriage rights for gays. We have to move carefully. We don't want to suffer a defeat because that might make us look weak. God Republicans: God is on our side. Everything we do, we do in his name and with his blessing. We believe that God should be everywhere in the U.S. Not just any god though! Heavens no! It has to be the Christian god. Jesus is lord. Jesus is lord. Jesus is lord. Have you been born again? Don't worry though. We have no litmus test for public office. It isn't, legally speaking, a requirement that anyone running for public office support turning the U.S. into a theocracy. It just kind of...well...helps your cause if you know what I mean. By the way, have you met Pat Robertson? He just agreed to endorse Rudy Giulani for President. What's that you say? Rudy's been married three times? He and his children don't speak anymore? He lived with one wife while in the middle of being divorced by another? He dressed in drag? He supports abortion rights? Don't worry about all of that. Giulani is pro-torture, tough on terror and America's Mayor and that's what counts. Democrats: Who is this god fellow you speak of? Oh yeah that guy! We don't really feel comfortable talking about him. If you give us a week though, we'll do some focus grouping and figure out what you want us to say about god. War in Iraq: Republicans: YEEEEEEEHAAAA!!! We love us a little war! Two wars at a time even! We don't mind a little ménage a dos! Afghanistan AND Iraq don't bother us. After all, we're all rich and it won't be our boys and girls dying in those wars. Plus we just passed tax cuts for ourselves (meaning us rich folks) so it don't matter that these wars cost money. What's that you say? There is a country called Iran that's talking some ****? Well no problem! If two wars are good, then three must be even better! After all, we can't afford to seem weak! It doesn't matter if by overextending ourselves we are making ourselves weak. We can't actually afford to look weak. This is really, really, really important. In fact, the entire world will become a Muslim theocracy if we fail in Iraq. It isn't important enough for us to raise your taxes or call for a draft, because we're super afraid of doing that, but it is still the most important thing in the universe right now! You all better support what we're doing or you're aiding the terrorists. Democrats: Well, we tried to end the war in Iraq but that meany Bush wouldn't let us! He's such a bully. We'll show him. We'll pass a non-binding resolution to try and condemn his actions. Don't worry, we aren't giving the president a blank check. Sure we've spent over $1 trillion dollars on the president's wars so far and that amounts to somewhere around $3333 out of the pocket of every man, woman and child in the country, but don't confuse that with a blank check. Besides, Republicans were in control for the first $700 billion or so of that. We're going to demand strict accountability from this president. We'll show him! We'll issue demands for information to prove that the Iraq war was a bad idea. And once the president ignores us, we'll give him six months to either comply with our requests for information or we'll schedule a vote to possibly hold him in Contempt of Congress. We obviously have to go about this really carefully though. We don't want to look too weak on national security in an election year. Health Care Republicans: Socialized medicine! Look over there! It's Hillary Clinton! Evil *****! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! And look, it is Bill Clinton! Remember how eight years ago he got a **** job under the desk and then lied about it? It is a disgrace to the office of the presidency and to the country! Democrats: Everyone should have health care. Now let us take you through the 2378 point plan for how we're going to make this happen. After all, we don't want to look like tax and spend liberals. Ooh! Don't use the word "liberal" please. Forget we said that. We prefer to be called "progressives" now because Republicans have made liberal sound like we're fiscally irresponsible and we don't want to appear to be weak on the issue of taxation. We're really not sure we can afford health care. After all, we just spent over $1 trillion dollars of your money on the Iraq War because we're scared of President Bush making us look weak. Don't worry though, it isn't a blank check! Education: Republicans: We totally have this covered dude! See, this covers it all. It is something called Intelligent Design.

Democrats: Frankly, other than "we should spend more money on this" Jim isn't really sure what to put down here. The Democratic position on this seems to be "Bush is bad for not fully funding his No Child Left Behind Act". That meanie had his fingers crossed behind his back when we helped him pass this!" Video Game Violence and Sex: Republicans: This is the worst threat to your kids in the entire universe. It's also all the Democrats' fault. Democrats: This is the worst threat to your kids in the entire universe. It's also all the Republicans' fault.