The newest entry on the "Stupidest People in the World" segment of my blog comes from the stellar nomination submitted by Fade2gray. That's right O.J. Simpson, I'm talking about you! Come on down and be honored. You are one of the stupidest people in the entire world. But wait you say, doesn't everyone deserve a trial when they're accused of something? Why yes, you of all people would know that they do. With that in mind, before we get right to it and declare you to be inflicted with copious amounts of retardation, let's take a look at the evidence. I invite the people following along at home to take a look. I report. You decide. Fair and balanced. That's me. Most people in the free world already know who O.J. Simpson is. For those who do not, a brief Cliff's Notes version shall now be provided. O.J. was a star running back in the NFL (National Football League) nicknamed "The Juice" before retiring. Yes, his nickname was "The Juice", a term commonly used to refer to steroids in present day times. When he retired and for years afterwards, he was considered to be the greatest running back in football history by many fans of the game. Alas, the good times were not to last. (Cue the dramatic shift in music.) In 1995 he was arrested and charged with two felony counts of premeditated murder. He hired the famous defense attorney Johnny Cochran, who got him acquitted in October of that year. Mr. Cochran would later go on to fame and fortune. His famous courtroom line "if it doesn't fit, then you must acquit" referring to the bloody glove that police entered into evidence became a part of the national consciousness and most people who were over the age of 10 in 1995 still remember the trial to this day. Heck, a popular character named "Jackie Chiles" was later introduced into "Seinfeld" based on Mr. Cochran. Upon his release, Mr. Simpson pledged to spend the rest of his days searching for "the real killers." This noble sentiment has since taken him to most of the golf courses in the known world in search of the real killers. At this time I have not yet been able to confirm or deny the rumor that he has compared notes with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who promised to investigate fully as his first official act as governor, the allegations that he is a serial groper of every woman he comes into contact with that surfaced when he was running for that esteemed office. Other run-ins with the law that O.J. has had since include: • February '97: Found liable in civil trial in deaths of two people; ordered to pay $33.5 million • November '02: Paid $130 fine for speeding in a powerboat • January '03: Daughter called 911 after fight; no charges filed • March '04: Ordered to pay $33,678 for pirating DirecTV signals • July '05: Police called after reports of fight at Miami home; not charged (Sources: AP, ESPN research) This is a tragic story up to this point, but hasn't yet introduced enough evidence to get O.J. onto my "Stupidest People in the World" list. After all, competition is fierce. No, it takes something special. It takes a cosmic level of Neanderthal thinking to get onto my list. Earlier this year, Mr. Simpson published a book titled "If I did it" that went on to tell, in detail, exactly how he would have committed the two murders he was accused and later acquitted of. That font coloring isn't an accident. And then the clincher, within the last week O.J. Simpson has been arrested with two accomplices and accused of multiple felony counts of kidnapping and armed robbery in connection with a sports memorabilia store. According to news reports, O.J. tried to rob the store to get back some belongings that once were his and he believes were stolen. Once again, O.J. faces going away to jail for the rest of his natural life. For the record, the items that O.J. wanted back are said to include Simpson's Pro Football Hall of Fame certificate, a photograph of him with J. Edgar Hoover (say what?! As in, the former head of the FBI J. Edgar Hoover?) and a video from his first wedding. Apparently, this man, who has been so blessed with fame and fortune throughout his life, cannot stop himself from blowing it. He's so dumb that if he was given a winning lottery ticket, he'd find a way to set it, and his pubic hair, on fire on the way to cashing it. But that isn't what bothers me here. O.J. Simpson is now sixty years old. Think about that for a moment. The man is sixty years old! He's still, somehow, rich. Why on earth is this idiot getting his own hands dirty? Why didn't he call the police if he thought the stuff was stolen? Personally deciding to Rambo his way into the store, take the owners hostage, and try and rob them at gunpoint to get back belongings that he believes are his is really the best plan he could think up when he is eligible for senior citizen discounts? Let's face it, this man is not going to become a criminal mastermind if this is the best plan he can come up with. To make matters worse, he forgot to check in on his legal resources this time around. Johnny Cochran died in April, 2005. I was looking forward to hearing what Mr. Cochran had to say about this. ("If the stuff belonged to The Juice, then you must let him loose.") We do have to give O.J. credit for one thing though: he can throw out a pithy one-liner, even in his declining years. As he told a reporter over the weekend, "I thought what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas."