Men, we need to talk.

Specifically, we need to talk about the etiquette that we display with each other during a number of key situations. We've all been there. We've brought beer over for poker night and had half a case leftover at the end of the night. Are we allowed to take some of our beer home with us? We've been over at a friend's house watching the big game and had to take a Dump Of Unusual Size. (That would be known as "Dropping the DOUS" to you ladies out there.) Are we justified in leaving that sort of a situation behind in a friend's can? What if you stink up the entire basement? How long must you wait if your male friend breaks up with his hot girlfriend before making your move? Are the sisters of your male friends automatically off limits? What body hair can you remove without being gay? What is the proper approach to handling these, and so many other situations that we find ourselves in? Women constantly are giving each other etiquette advice. Any girl magazine has at least one column dedicated to this sort of thing. Most have an entire section. Have no fear men! Your pleas for help have been heard. I am Doctor Jim, and I am here to help. Today we're going to cover five situations of manly etiquette that frequently arise and the proper approach to dealing with all of them.

Disclaimer: The advice contained herein is generally for my own amusement value. Actual results of following my advice may vary widely. Dropping the DOUS: When is this allowed vs. when do you have to "tough it out" or "go on a beer run" to attend to the situation? We've all been there. It's getting on in the evening. Beers have been drunk. Pizza has been devoured. Gas is building. You're in the middle of a poker hand and suddenly you realize; it is time to fold. Quickly. As in, unless you've got a royal flush it is time to toss those bad boys into the muck. You need to go drop the DOUS, but you know it is going to be epic. We're talking about a potential four flusher. Your friend's toilet is going to need cleaning the next day or possibly even before he goes to bed that night in the worst situations. You feel a little guilty, and frankly, you should.

So...is it acceptable for you to go commit this sin in your buddy's most holy of places? Should you make that offering to the porcelain god? The answer depends strongly on the answer to a number of very important questions. 1. How long have you known this friend? If it is less than a year, consider going on the aforementioned "beer run" if you're sober enough. Gas station attendants at least get paid to clean up after your sorry ***.

2. Is this buddy of yours single or does he have a female that lives with him? Let's face it men, we're disgusting. Our natural ecological environment is, shall we say, a little less evolved than that of our opposites. If this buddy has a live-in girlfriend or a wife, you may very well be costing him nookie later on that night if you drop that DOUS. Again, it may be beer run time. 3. Has your friend sinned against you recently? If the answer to this is yes, then by all means, go for it. In fact, make sure you mention it to him when you come back to the table with an insincere sounding, "Gee, sorry about that Jim." You stinky bastard you! 4. If you are there watching a game, is your team losing? If you're there playing poker, is your buddy beating you? If either of these is occurring, I think we both know what you need to do here. 5. Is this actually your friend? Or is it a friend of a friend? Did you get invited, or did another friend of yours secure the invite? If you got the "second hand invite", then strongly consider holding it in. When in doubt, well, let's face it. This is a natural result of beer and pizza. Go for it. A true friend will understand. The end of the night beer situation: What happens to the leftover beer? You brought over a case or two, but the end of the night has arrived and there is plenty of beer leftover. For the younger men and/or Fraternity men, this does actually happen. It isn't sinful to end the night with reserves. Drinking to the point of getting alcohol poisoning just to make sure there aren't leftovers is not a requirement or some sort of rite of passage. It'll be alright if you save some for breakfast the next morning. So...what happens to the remaining beer? How many, if any, of those eight beers out of the case you brought over are you allowed to reclaim and go home with? The answer, my friends, is two. You are allowed to take two beers home with you, provided you brought a minimum of twelve with you when you came. (If you brought less than twelve, you may only take one.) Why is the answer two you ask? And no, the answer isn't "because I have two hands dude!" The first beer that you're allowed to reclaim is the proverbial "one for the road" beer. (Note: Contrary to how this sounds, you should not actually drink this beer while you are driving on the road. Feel free to drink it between your front driveway and the front door if you wish however. You're going to get in trouble with your wife or girlfriend anyway. You may as well get your money's worth.) The second beer is your "biting the dog back" beer. In other words, it is your cure for your hangover the next morning. The rest of the beer now belongs to your friend. Why? Because he put up with your smelly ways during the course of the entire evening, and may even be cleaning his toilet the next morning while nursing a hangover after the "other" thing you brought to the party and left behind. Moving on. Your friend and his smoking hot girlfriend just broke up. How long must you wait before you go after her? 1. Did the breakup happen due to cheating on her part? If so, then she is off-limits forever if you've been friends for three years or longer. Less than three years? Then wait triple the amount of time your friend and her were together. (If they were together for a year, for example, then you must wait a minimum of three years.) 2. Did the breakup happen due to cheating on your friend's part? Well then, chances are she needs to be comforted. Wait one week just so you aren't a total scum (and so it isn't obvious to her what you're doing), but then get moving because she'll never be in a more vulnerable emotional state and will be eager to have "revenge nookie" with you to get back at your friend. And frankly, he deserves it. 3. How long have they been together? Did they live together? If they were together longer than a year and/or lived together for a minimum of six months, and the breakup was not related to cheating by either party, then your responsibility is to your friend. She's off limits for at least as long as they were together and/or double the amount of time they lived together, whichever is more. No exception can be made to this practice. I don't care if your friend says it is okay. He's only saying that to prove he's over her.

4. Are they broken up but still having sex? If this is the case, then the breakup is still in progress. Avoid her like the plague. If you get tempted, just picture your friend nailing her and that should help you remain strong until the breakup is finalized. 5. Has your friend ever flirted with a girlfriend of yours while you were still with her? Did he act innocent when you called him on it? Did he say that you were "overreacting"? My friend, the code of man has been broken! Feel free to go after his former squeeze toy as quickly as you wish. 6. Has he moved on to (or onto) someone else? This question is irrelevant. Normal guidelines from point number 1 above still apply.

Your friend's sister is really hot. You could see yourself plowing that action. Are you allowed to do this? 1. If it is an older sister, then you may proceed. 2. If it is a younger sister, then you may not proceed. 3. If it is a younger, underage sister, then not only must you not proceed, you must keep forgetting her name and the fact that she even exists. Exception: If you've had anything to drink while you're at your own home, and your friend is on your home turf, then you must tease him mercilessly about how hot his sister is. You must describe, in endless detail, how much you think his sister would be "fun" to date. If the sister is in the room, you must flirt with her openly. You must not, however, actually go through with any of it because then you could land in prison where you will promptly become someone else's "little sister". 4. Twin sister: If your buddy has a twin sister, then she is off limits. 5. Twin sisters - Plural: If your buddy has two sisters who are hot twins, then you MUST proceed! (Preferably while drinking "Coors" beer.) 6. Stepsister: These don't count as sisters. Proceed if you wish, but chances are they are ugly and you're just looking at her with beer goggles on. All stepsisters are ugly. All the fairy tales confirm it. Have you ever heard of the "hot stepsister"? This brings me to the final subject for today's discourse. It's an ugly one, so I saved it for last. Let's talk about body hair. Which parts of the male body may have hair removed without crossing the fine line that separates practicing good hygiene from generally being gay? 1. Face: This is easy. Feel free to shave or not shave as you see fit. Although, it is generally advised that you avoid the dreaded "unibrow". 2. Head: Generally speaking, unless you're black I'd avoid shaving your head. You just look either stupid, pretentious or like a neo-nazi. Exceptions can be made if you're going bald anyway. In that case, not only is shaving your head okay, but you should go ahead and have a little dignity and get it over with. The "partial" bald look is way worse than the fully shaved, clean look. But don't do it if you have blue eyes, okay? 3. Arms: You're pushing it here sport. I'm going to generally advise against this.

4. Armpits: Dude...just don't do it. That's...just not right. 5. Chest: Hair may be removed for summer months, or if you're a bodybuilder type. If you don't have any muscles down there, then you should probably leave the hair in place because you need all the help you can get appearing manly. 6. The "Private" Region: There is nothing wrong with removing as much hair as you want down here. It may even aid your manly activities. Let's not go into too much detail here.

7. Butt: Gay If god had wanted men to have smooth butts he would have provided us with them. If you're shaving your hind parts then not only do you have WAY too much time on your hands, but you're showing a shameful lack of testosterone.

8. Legs: We're into the ultra gay range here. Just don't do it. Exceptions Professional swimmers or runners may shave their legs. 8. Back: Encouraged. 9. Ears: Required. 10. Nose: REALLY required. Well folks, that's all for this edition of "The Man Blog". I hope you all learned something. As a reminder, all advice contained herein and heretofore is purely for amusement value. I take no responsibility if you're stupid enough to actually follow any of it.