HEY! officially 2 years in tv.com. yeahay!

how cute is jackson brundage eh?

so it has been aaaaa while. i don't like blogging here. but i miss tv.com. hehe. the strike definitely put me off tv.com for a while. but anyway, jackson is too cute. heheh. a few hours ago, i FINALLY watched the 100th episode of one tree hill. woohoo! congrats to oth for the 100th.

conclusion: i love my leyton. hahaha. that's all i can say. heheh. throughout this season, i want to also say that i am pretty disappointed, upset, frustrated, mad, and pissed off at lucas. that guy seriously needs some self-reflecting to do. to say "i do" to lindsey is an insult to both lindsey and peyton. you know you love peyton but you pretend or say you convince yourself that you got over peyton and want to love lindsey just to get over your feelings. that's an insult to lindsey. marry her because you really12345678999999x love her, not because you want to put your past behind you. plus, he proposed to lindsey after he and peyton kissed! wtf was that?! desperate much? that's a serious insult, man. peyton, well peyton, she's just unfortunate from the beginning. so this season, i dislike lucas with great intensity. his actions are to be questioned. 2 proposals in 12 episodes??! karen should have been in tree hill much earlier.

yeah..just to ramble about tv.

so today i received a message from a friend who's about to go abroad to study. she invited me to come to her house. what surprised me was the way she wrote the message. these past week i've been ignoring her message and sort (yeah, i'm a jerk) and today she sincerely invited me so in a way i was touched. she clearly said my name. Lily, come to my house for dinner we're having a farewell party. before this it was like, dude, dude. how pathetic do i look now? hahah.

anyway, as always. i got myself thinking. i'm like a walking thinking box but if you put me in a cla$$ it'll be awhile to get it. :P. um oh yeah. after our exam result got out sometime ago in march, most of my friends here got busy with themselves and most no longer contact me. they just call me up if they need me to drive them. how pathetic is that? i am not your chaffeur, dudes. so, for a while everything was quiet with my friends. i admit that at one point i gave up. i just stop wanting to know about them. i was looking for excuses to let them see me. oh yeah, i hate them that much. then i got a call from yet another friend who needed a 'chaffeur' so i said to myself "the ship has sailed baby!! we're no longer friends!!" sadly, that declaration implied to all my friends here eventhough only few of them were involved. honestly by now you would think i'm a jerk but you should see what these guys are doing to me.

so just now i was in a thinking mode. the term the ship has sailed. back then, i'd think we no longer are friends. but today i start of thinking in a positive way. that the ship--friend-ship--, yes has sailed but with all of us in it to a much brighter future. together, sailing the ship across the ocean blue with uncertainties ahead of us but with much love, smiles, and good times accompanying it. sail through the arctics, atlantics together and facing each of the ship member's problem together. they may be sharks, thunderstorms, pirates, holes in the boat, insufficient storage, and so many more but i assure you that there will also be loads of parties, good times, parties, and...more parties! what else is there?! so yes for some the ship has definitely sail but i will only wave goodbye (with smiles) to it. but for some the ship sailed on with me and every other worthy crew member in it venturing and sailing all over the world to learn about the ups and downs of life. but in order to do that, our ship must be strong and the people in it must have chemistry with each other so that the ship can sail anywhere in the world but without sinking. let it be Titanic that DO NOT sink. be in a ship that you love and find every way possible to keep it afloat.

wow. two words that don't relate whatsoever to the other. but had a link in my dictionary. it's been roughly a month since i enrolled in college. i had difficulty fitting in at first. everyone goes through that transition and will somehow resolve it right? well, how come i don't feel like i've moved on? fit in? to be able to be myself? to open up? i gave it a month and still there is no change. i can't be like this. i can't hold myself back and shut myself from the reality out there but i just don't feel the need open up. my roommate, she's a talker. so, she fits right in with the crowd and at times i feel envied by her casual way of communicating. her words flow rightfully with the situation at hand and i thought to myself, why can't i do it? until now, the answer remains vague and unclear.



so i find myself still looking for a way to talk, to open my mouth, to speak, to be heard but i don't know. my lips are sealed. tightly-shut. my cla$$ is what about 80% filled with chinese locals and internationals. at school, i used to have mixed friends. i'd be with the indian, chinese, malay, i've been to dubai and had friends of arabic descent but this time around in college...more matured, grown up, and brave , i find it harder to communicate. something is just wrong with the atmosphere of the cla$$oom. i notice that some lecturers also like to stress on us (roommate and i) for no apparent reason. like they fear we don't understand what is being said in front. well get over it. i do understand. i don't know if she does but i do. so when these few pair of eyes just set themselves on me i feel a little isolated and looked down on. just...isolated in general. i know that i might not be ass sharp or brilliant as few of us in cla$$ but don't judge me. so sometimes when these lecturers do that, you know, some of the students look at us as if we're a tool. and i'm known for my quite intensity and the 'inability to converse in english' (pssshhh, suuuuureee) so it gets worse. the feeling of being isolated just cut its way deeper. gah! now i don't feel like learning, talking, laughing, anything. and worse, i felt like i've lost my edge and behind in cla$$ yeah, that sure adds up the frustration.



on the other hand, the sense of belonging also builds up. not in cla$$ though, duh. just walking around the campus, the bridge, the hallways, corridors, it just feel right. fit. every week i have the option to go home or to stay here and experience the life in college. for most people they would definitely choose the former one but i'd go with the latter one. i just love it. the feel of being here, watching, living life as few call it 'the best years of your life'. i felt at ease just driving back to college. excited as well. on my way back to college, i'd always smile if i see few cars lining up in front of mine giving their signals to the right. hah. you know the feeling right? if you don't then well you're just not enjoying it. but then again, nobody reads this right? unless i put up a link to an album or sort. hahah. and then held by the lawyers and judges and all. hah. no way. i'm just a broke, depressed, and cheery college kid experiencing one of life's many stages. no way i'm paying for sh!t that i already know is illegal when i do it. stupid.



so until later or whenever. hah. it feels so good to be able to write and vent.

woah. dude. i'm so bloated right now. and tired. my whole day was wasted just like that. we went to see my brother perform with his band at school and it turned out to be the stupidest idea ever. the school was so full of poseurs and real giddy girls and boys that'll say 'hey fu*ker' when they meet up with each other just because they think it's so cool. dude, get over yourselves. i've always hated that school and today just sums up every solid reason why i hate it. plus, most students are gays or sort.

it was also hot. and moisty. so i felt a little uncomfortable. my head twists and turn just to see the stupid performances. and every inch of my skin collide with a sweaty person. uh, ew. dude. now i felt seriously uncomfortable. but afterwards we hunt for cars which is the highlight of the day. and had steamboat dinner, hence the bloated-nessesss.

so. just tired. and bloated. and i want to test if blogging could up my level. kah3333..

aik??? kalo tulis blog boleh naik ke level? kah33333... best bapak oiiii!!!! mcm melonjak ke 20%. hahahaha... yeeeehhaaaawwwww!!!!! wat hari2 pun xpe nih.. hehehehehe...

i've decided to write. i've been hesitating way too long and finally i did. that, and i'm too lazy to log in to my blog account.

i'm free!!! at last! yay! um. it's a long story. but one that, surprisingly i like to tell. um, i had this friend right, a girl kinda shy and quiet. i met her at school, i was new. so one day she came up to me and said can i have your number. i gave her my number and we text messaged almost every day. but at school, she would never talk to me, it's like she didn't even know me. or at least, when she is with her friend, she wouldn't even say hi or anything. and when with me she'll speak in a very low tone i could barely hear her! while with other people, she just let it out! that explains her character right? not wanting to admit who your friends are but in text messages, she's way too happy and joyish kinda way. i'm not that ugly. in fact, some people tell me i'm quite a cutie. and i'm not saying on purpose! i even denied it if anybody says that. anyway, even though we are close there's just something missing in the friendship you know. it felt like, this is not right. something is wrong. and sometimes you think, there might be a motive to what lead her to suddenly become my friend. it's weird right? least you could say when you meet new people is say hi but instead she went for my number.

i finally found out what was wrong. she once had a friend who died from cancer. she was 7. she told me that i look a lot like her old friend. that friend. so, all this time all the messages and conversations, was not of me and her. it was of her and her friend. how sad is that? all of it was a LIE. a big web of lies. i felt so betrayed and hurt in a weird way. i told her that this has got to stop but she wouldn't listen. mostly because when i explained it, it was in english :P. hahah. don't mean to say it but it's just oh so hillarious. so, after the 'revelation', our friendship became sour. well obviously. it was based on lies and imaginations and a hurtful past. so everyday, i would find a way to avoid her messages and stay as cold as ever. it worked. but she always find a way to poke my sides. she started using me for her purpose. like giving her a ride. being her garbage can about boys and her **** drama with her best friend. last week, was the peak when she asked me about boys and said bye when i gave her my opinion. what the hell was that??

so today, on this very great day. i said everything. i laid out everthing about how i don't like what she's doing to me and using me for her own stupid purposes. and she said, ''well if that's the way you like it then fine, i regret knowing you" and here's what i replied "bye, nice knowing you" .kah333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333!!!!!!!!!. how good of a friend am i right? at least i said bye. and she did not. she even regretted being my friend. so as of today, i'm free. free of all the lies and her stupid drama. most of all free of her. yay! let's celebrate!

oh, this is tv blog right. oh yea, umm. foster's home for imaginary friends was good today. hahah. a rerun episode of mac daddy. gotta love the cheese. !