Just got over my suspension. That's all I'm saying about the topic, as it seems talking about it only makes matters worse. Live and let die, I suppose. Onward!

Hello world, back again with more juicy tales of magical escapades and whatnot.

Day 2 part 1: Oh boy an Easter Egg hunt!

I decided today would be the day to knock out the tutorial missions. At this point I know how to stab endangered species to death, cook their meats (after many failed attempts, resulting in the deaths of many more), piss off a raptor, and I know that for whatever reason, honey bees live in freezing cold ice caverns with unlimited supplies of honey.

My guy awoke eagerly with a glint in his eye as I had him scurry down to the training place to get his learnin' on. My first mission of the day was to learn how to fish, and the many benefits it would reap. I ravaged the supplies crate and got me some worms as to fish with. As I approached the water the game with no modesty at all basically highlighted and circled the location I was supposed to fish at. Of course, I didn't catch on and I ran up and down the coast growing more and more angrily until I finally realized the fish were RIGHT FREAKING THERE.

I cast my line and waited, really unsure of what was supposed to happen. I flinched a few times and had to recast, but soon enough my Animal Crossing: City Folk fishing skills kicked in and suddenly I was reeling in the sushifish. Oh joy! I wonder what kind of meal will be made with a SUSHIfish... I mean honestly, I have no idea. Most likely fish tacos.

My next "mission" wasn't much of a mission at all. I had to go on an Easter egg hunt! Yippie! I gathered my basket and got out the egg paints when my flamboyant rapist drill sergeant instructor told me exactly what it was I was looking for. A carnivore egg. After sweeping up the shattered remains of my hopes and dreams, I shuffled off in search of the lame non-painted or non-money/candy filled egg of unenjoyment. I wandered aimlessly for quite a while until i realized the only carnivore I've ever seen thus far was in the caves.

Upon reaching the nest I noticed a mother raptor tending to the nest with the utmost care and tenderness. She gently tucked the egg deep into the soft, warm nest, keeping it safe from the world until the day it may hatch and her hopes of having a beautiful child and raising it and teaching it life's lessons and sending it off to college would be realized. So after I slaughtered her relentlessly, I fixed my gaze on the egg. Putting aside my thoughts of giant omelettes with a side of caring-mother-raptor bacon, I lugged the egg ALL THE WAY back, 15 miles in the snow, to the campsite. I promptly loaded it into the box and headed out for my next quest.

My final tutorial mission involved some real murder and mayhem and, needless to say, I got giddy. The homosexual overly stereotypical-eccentric-japanese-man instructor reminded me that **** does happen and I could very easily die. Ignoring his stupid dumb-head advice, I set off in search of the dreaded "Giadrome."

I instantly went to the section furthest away from my current location as I figured "if I were a typical end-boss where would I hide and wait?" I arrived only to find nothing, so I decided to cook some of the raw meat I selfishly carved from the unrightfully (but very much fun) killed large dumb animals I happened across. As I was inevitably burning the hell out of my meat, the music changed. The air grew still. And there was a huge f*cking raptor breathing down my neck. I instantly pissed my pants and hauled ass the hell out of there... that is, the two feet I made it before the raptor started pwning my ass. My guy scrambled to his feet only to be knocked down again. I was f*cked.

I finally managed to scramble just out of reach of one of the raptors many lunges and got my footing again. Armed with a multitude of items I had no idea how to use, I just started chucking stuff at it hoping it would die. I wasted all of my small barrel bombs... although I DID manage to pelt it with a few paintballs before it started gnawing my ass again. I accidently sharpened my blade mid-battle a couple times and was rewared with more ass-gnawing. On the verge of death, I just decided to run in, guns blazing, and go for broke. I got a couple hits in before it sneezed an ice booger at me and froze my sorry ass. So here I am, less than 10% health and a raptor up my ass, and now I'm covered in ice-booger and can hardly waddle, let alone run for my life. For some reason, the raptor ignores me for a few brief moments and I manage to locate some healing potions. Now I start to get serious.

I pelt the bastard with like 5 tranquilizer bombs and roll around a bit, remembering that triangle is attack, not x. The raptor is still kinda standing there with his thumb up his ass as I close in and start to slice it to death with my overly sharpened blades. 30 hits and every healing item I have later, it finally goes down. I carve it's ass up and kick sand in it's dead LOSER face as I'm returned to Pokke Village and hailed a hero... not really. Nobody gives a **** that I just murdered a badass dinosaur.

At this point I decide to take it easy and not do any more killing unless I have to. I find the guild and take on a treasure quest, my first REAL quest of the game.

To be continued in part 2...

I have hated this game. Forever.

The reasoning behind my hatred isn't because it raped my family or stole my girlfriend, just because I had some naive misconceptions about the title. I mean, I will forever hate the fact it doesn't (out of the box) support Infrastructure mode for multiplayer, but with Xlink Kai becoming more and more feasable (with only a small purchase) I figure I could overlook this small infraction.

Anyways, the purpose behind this and following blogs is to document my experiences with Monster Hunter Freedom Unite and see if my misplaced judgments were, in fact, misplaced.

Day 1: Creating a Character and Whoopin Some Tutorial Monster Ass!

I made my dude. I was going to go with the large goofy hairdo, for teh lulz, but I decided I may one day interact with another human being with this game and I can't be very badass if my hair is taller than most swords. So I decided to go with a nice well compexioned man with dirty blonde hair. All of the outfits were rediculous looking, so I tried to pick the one that didn't look much like a retarded leotard or a skimpy man-dress. I chose the manliest voice i could and dubbed him "Rik." Original, I know.

So now I watch my 'brave' hunter get pwn'd by some large snow dragon and fall to his death down the side of the cliff. RIP Rik, we barely knew ye.

...rather he didn't die, but apparently only suffered minor scrapes and abrasions from his 500ft. fall down the face of an icy cliff. Anyways, my dood wakes up in a cozy little cabin with a scary rapist breathing heavily over top him. My guy lays there, apparently paralyzed with fear as the rapist explains how he rubbed my whole body with herbs and spices to make me "feel good" again. My guy then passes out from the fear of what's about to happen to him and the screen fades to black.

He wakes up again and this time he quickly hops up, apparently searching for the aforementioned rapist, and I quickly shuffle him outside as to gain the attention of the local authorities. I notice my rapist standing on the corner, waiting for me, so I do the only logical thing. I run down and have a quick chat. It seems he wasn't raping me after all. What a relief! In fact, he loaded me up with something like 12 different kinds of weapons and a suit of whale-blubber that's resistant to the cold! Neato! I run back to the house and quickly try on all of my fancy new equipment. I of course chose the largest sword possible and head back out on the town to discover some history and my purpose. Turns out my guy is a Monster Hunter (GASP! I had no idea!) and he's in the town's employ to... well, hunt monsters. I get referred to the local training center and, like a good little boy, I scurry on over for my daily lerninz.

My sensei is none other than my old friend the rapist (I assume, due to what he says and how he refers to himself) and my GOD is he flamboyant! After some nerve-wracking quests like "Cook meats" and "Gather Honey" I decide it's time to head back into town for a rest.

As I approach my cabin I notice a person carrying a sack 5 times thier size and figure it's full of stolen property. My property. As I get my theft-deterring "Baseball Bat of Justice" at the ready, I creep up behind them, as to catch them in the act. Well, turns out this individual is selling slaves, which are cat-people called Feylenes or something. They give me a cat-slave and I force it to live in my house and cook me fish! Not bad! Some other jag-off tells me he wants me to work on his farm, but I tell him to shove it (not really) and head home to hit the sack.

So far, it's been fun. This is going to be one long game and I can see already the amount of time and effort it's going to take to master it. I think at one point I'll set up xLink Kai and meet up with random l33t players and get pwn'd, but for now I'll go at it alone.

Stay tuned!