Hello world, back again with more juicy tales of magical escapades and whatnot.

Day 2 part 1: Oh boy an Easter Egg hunt!

I decided today would be the day to knock out the tutorial missions. At this point I know how to stab endangered species to death, cook their meats (after many failed attempts, resulting in the deaths of many more), piss off a raptor, and I know that for whatever reason, honey bees live in freezing cold ice caverns with unlimited supplies of honey.

My guy awoke eagerly with a glint in his eye as I had him scurry down to the training place to get his learnin' on. My first mission of the day was to learn how to fish, and the many benefits it would reap. I ravaged the supplies crate and got me some worms as to fish with. As I approached the water the game with no modesty at all basically highlighted and circled the location I was supposed to fish at. Of course, I didn't catch on and I ran up and down the coast growing more and more angrily until I finally realized the fish were RIGHT FREAKING THERE.

I cast my line and waited, really unsure of what was supposed to happen. I flinched a few times and had to recast, but soon enough my Animal Crossing: City Folk fishing skills kicked in and suddenly I was reeling in the sushifish. Oh joy! I wonder what kind of meal will be made with a SUSHIfish... I mean honestly, I have no idea. Most likely fish tacos.

My next "mission" wasn't much of a mission at all. I had to go on an Easter egg hunt! Yippie! I gathered my basket and got out the egg paints when my flamboyant rapist drill sergeant instructor told me exactly what it was I was looking for. A carnivore egg. After sweeping up the shattered remains of my hopes and dreams, I shuffled off in search of the lame non-painted or non-money/candy filled egg of unenjoyment. I wandered aimlessly for quite a while until i realized the only carnivore I've ever seen thus far was in the caves.

Upon reaching the nest I noticed a mother raptor tending to the nest with the utmost care and tenderness. She gently tucked the egg deep into the soft, warm nest, keeping it safe from the world until the day it may hatch and her hopes of having a beautiful child and raising it and teaching it life's lessons and sending it off to college would be realized. So after I slaughtered her relentlessly, I fixed my gaze on the egg. Putting aside my thoughts of giant omelettes with a side of caring-mother-raptor bacon, I lugged the egg ALL THE WAY back, 15 miles in the snow, to the campsite. I promptly loaded it into the box and headed out for my next quest.

My final tutorial mission involved some real murder and mayhem and, needless to say, I got giddy. The homosexual overly stereotypical-eccentric-japanese-man instructor reminded me that **** does happen and I could very easily die. Ignoring his stupid dumb-head advice, I set off in search of the dreaded "Giadrome."

I instantly went to the section furthest away from my current location as I figured "if I were a typical end-boss where would I hide and wait?" I arrived only to find nothing, so I decided to cook some of the raw meat I selfishly carved from the unrightfully (but very much fun) killed large dumb animals I happened across. As I was inevitably burning the hell out of my meat, the music changed. The air grew still. And there was a huge f*cking raptor breathing down my neck. I instantly pissed my pants and hauled ass the hell out of there... that is, the two feet I made it before the raptor started pwning my ass. My guy scrambled to his feet only to be knocked down again. I was f*cked.

I finally managed to scramble just out of reach of one of the raptors many lunges and got my footing again. Armed with a multitude of items I had no idea how to use, I just started chucking stuff at it hoping it would die. I wasted all of my small barrel bombs... although I DID manage to pelt it with a few paintballs before it started gnawing my ass again. I accidently sharpened my blade mid-battle a couple times and was rewared with more ass-gnawing. On the verge of death, I just decided to run in, guns blazing, and go for broke. I got a couple hits in before it sneezed an ice booger at me and froze my sorry ass. So here I am, less than 10% health and a raptor up my ass, and now I'm covered in ice-booger and can hardly waddle, let alone run for my life. For some reason, the raptor ignores me for a few brief moments and I manage to locate some healing potions. Now I start to get serious.

I pelt the bastard with like 5 tranquilizer bombs and roll around a bit, remembering that triangle is attack, not x. The raptor is still kinda standing there with his thumb up his ass as I close in and start to slice it to death with my overly sharpened blades. 30 hits and every healing item I have later, it finally goes down. I carve it's ass up and kick sand in it's dead LOSER face as I'm returned to Pokke Village and hailed a hero... not really. Nobody gives a **** that I just murdered a badass dinosaur.

At this point I decide to take it easy and not do any more killing unless I have to. I find the guild and take on a treasure quest, my first REAL quest of the game.

To be continued in part 2...