http://www.megaupload.com/?d=LCWTOK8Z This song is so beautiful, but it makes me sad. In many ways. All the things I've loved and lost, or just don't feel that I'll ever have in my life. In such moods, people shouldn't try to convince me otherwise--it's futile to do so. This song just... embodies that feeling of sorrow and emptiness. It makes me think of my mom... Beautiful, but gone now. It makes me think that I will never be able to get things done the way I wish them to be. It also fills me with a morbid sense of peace--as if I enjoy being lonely and sad. And I cry because of it. Because... in a way, it is somewhat true. I can't quite figure out why, either. Perhaps it's just because I put so many pressures and stresses upon myself, and cannot lift them. I've done it before; why... Why am I doing it again? I don't want to be told nor forced to see a psychiatrist again. They do nothing for me. I much prefer to speak with those I love and care for, yet the ones who truly understand me are those whom I speak with post and are a part of my extended family: My friends. And one other who is family. And I feel bad, because the others I love do not know me enough. This song... Ahh... I feel a connection to it. It's scary, how symbolic it is of how I think and feel. I can't believe I've found something like this. A song that is like my theme of who I really am.
I only express things in writing. Trying to get me to express anything of myself verbally ends up in curses, pain and tears. So I close up. And I write. It's sad, but I can't help it. I try to, but it's harder than most people can understand. Yes, I see the dilemma I have--of course most people won't understand! I don't tell them! But it's not like it's the easiest thing for me to do. This is why... Only very few people know who I am. Who truly understand me, without judgement or disgust or critcism. Or disappontment and shame. I can't bring myself to open up fully to anybody other than those few. I want to... And perhaps I will someday in the future. But... This... internal battle of what part of me I let some see, and others not, and what is going to be required of me drives me mad. This is... Pain. Something I've felt for so long now. "I'm walking up stairs set aflame, and though the heat burns intensely and the pain is excrutiating, I keep going. I see that at the base of the stairs, there is water. Solace from the pain. Yet I must go, or I will be hurt more even more than I already am." ~melanie lopez