Some Common Species Inhabitating the 'pc forum' Biosphere.
(C) 2005 by Jools
1 - 'wots ur fave RPG?', Favoritus Rolesludorum (aka 'wots da best rpg?'; 'wot rpg should i get?'; 'need rpg advice') - For some unknown astral conjunction, this topic species really seems the most widely spread and prolific one. At least two new are born each day (but there is no known limit to this ratio), and it really stands out for always featuring the same, identical answers from the same identical users, who have the patience to answer every single of these topics (evergreen answers: Morrowind, Neverwinter Nights, Gothic, Fallout, Baldur's Gate 2, Guild Wars, Diablo, World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy).
2 - 'best game evah?', Melior Melior Ludicensis - This one really features the most sub-species, coming in tons of flavours and specifications ('best FPS released in Greenland only?'; 'best RTS taking place in 1932 precisely?'; 'best steampunk-settings, anime-style adventure game of the 90's?'; 'best PS1 arcade snowboarding game with real-world snowboarders license but without dual-shock gamepad support?', and so on).
3 - 'is my comp nerd-ish enough?', Pecuniae Bragaroundi - this topic specie is hideous, and loves camouflage and disguise, to lure poor forum users into replying and thus getting humiliated (some well known disguises: 'look how much money my daddy gave me so I can buy the bloody ultimate $5000 comp to play "the Sims: Get a Life" while you struggle to save money enough for a new keyboard to play Counterstrike matches on clanbase'; 'will this game run on my $5000 computer which is three times better than the recommended sys specs?'; 'which old games can run on my low-end $5000 computer?'; 'will this $3000 graphics board bottleneck my $5000 comp's performance?'). Note that numeric values are usually voluntarily omitted but clearly hinted.
4 - 'look i already got -from a friend who knows a bloke who is neighbor to a guy who lives behind a warehouse- this game which should be released next week so nobody else has it, it rocks (and you all shall reply with envy in your eyes and pay me some attention because nobody usually gives a phuq about me)', Consideratio Meretrix - This is one of the most common baits used by attention-whores. The part within brackets () doesn't commonly appear but in the original poster's subconscious, and that's the ultimate reason behind such topics. These topics usually stand out for their search for theoretically-credible motivations to make the whole post real-like, but which the expert eye will quickly spot as hoaxes and set-ups.
5 - 'when is game XYZ released?', Utens Deoculatus - This is just the most famous one out of a series including tons of threads, asking for answers which are already there (checking gamespot's gamespaces, previews, hands-on's, sneak-peeks' would be quicker and much more reliable, but too clever to perform).
6 - 'x VS y', Forum Trollantis - Now, there is no forum without a good amount of these. These help many people keeping their post-per-day ratio high, or they just make some people feel strong when taking the easier of the two sides, without having a clue or a real motivation, except for mental slothfulness (a few, well-known subspecies widely spread on gamespot's boards: 'ati VS nvidia'; 'windows VS linux'; 'doom3 VS hl2'; 'good RPG's VS morrowind'; 'pc VS consoles').
7 - 'what game should I play?', Topicus Mutans - This actually is a shapeshifting species, and a tricky one. It can easily evolve into species #1, #2 or #6, or them all. No cases are known of it to revert to its original form.
8 - 'general offtopic', Topicus Migrantis - Here comes another tricky species. Most of its lifeforms just belong to some other habitat (forum), while some are born with the uncanny ability to be unrecognizable and not to belong to any known habitat. Besides, most of them just come from the 'pc hardware' and 'system wars' forums. A research task force is currently studying possible causes for this massive migration.
9 - 'help with game XYZ', Mentalis Parassitae - Topics belonging to this species love to disguise themselves as helpless, clueless, harmless subjects, while most of their true self is just stupid, idiotic and sorry (some, in-famous, subjects are: 'why doesn't this game run when the comp it is installed on is unplugged?'; 'how do i open the game box without removing/cutting the plastic packaging wrapped around the game box itself?'; 'how do I move my mouse cursor? directional arrows do not seem to work, and neither does WASD...'; 'doom3 scares me, what should i do besides getting a life?').
10 - 'steam sux0r', Valvae Furentes - Last but not least, a newborn amongst our beloved biosphere. Since evil Valve released its new game-installing software (steam, that is!), more and more people everyday join the army of steam-h8rs, which do not miss any chance to proclaim their statute in every possible forum, often becoming active members of specie #6, #8 or, sometimes, #9.
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