School is now drawing near. In just a few weeks I'll be on my way to college and a brand new horizon. I feel a little tentative and nervous on this because it is a new environment for me. I'll be also taking public transportation which scares me more than going to college. The transportation system I will be using is the Light Rail Transit System. It is very similar to a monorail, except that here in the Philippines, they are famous for their numerous bombings and muggings.

I'm very concerned also with the people there. Will I have friends? Are they nice people? Or are they druggies? Maybe it's just nerves, but I feel very apprehensive. Still I know that I will be able to overcome the challenges set before me. Like the one that I have now. I still haven't been able to finish my concept paper on the e-learning project that we had in high school. I am endeavouring to set some time aside to finish it. I hope I will be able to finish it before the end of the summer.

I know, that for me, this will be a new experience. One that I will never forget. Some of my friends from High school will be going with me to this University, so I will not feel totally alone. I hope that this step is a brave new trudge towards a better future.

A few years ago, I had the privilege of playing one of the most awe inspiring games of all time, Xenogears. When I first played it in, I think, 1998, it struck me as one of those great games with a great story and great gameplay. I was right on two counts and semi-right on the other. Xenogears, in my opinion is one of the games that stuck in my head well after playing it, even now, it is etched into my mind very clearly. It truly was a blockbuster and a game that no gamer, be it RPG fan or casual gamer, should miss.

When Xenosaga Episode I was first previewed, I read it and felt very excited about it. I knew that the Xenosaga series would be six chapters in length and that Xenogears was the fifth chapter. I felt pretty excited about Xenosaga, I waited patiently for it's release, feeling that it would be a monumental blockbuster that would set the stage for the six-part video game epic. When it arrived, I bought it and played it. After playing however, I was not in awe like in Xenogears. It was a pretty good game overall, but it failed to impress me. Although it sets up the story pretty well, it feels a bit short. I have no qualms over the lengthy cutscenes, but still it felt too short.

Xenosaga's gameplay was OK, featuring some new innovating features such as mail, a card game, a casino, but still I feel it was not quite good enough. It's battle system was good enough, but it still could have been better, the boost system should have been further utilized and the combo system should have been retained. It's story is still blockbuster worthy, although not quite on par with Xenogears. If Xenogears was Michael Jordan, Xenosaga Episode I would be Michael Jordan in the 80's; good but could be better.

What I have to say is that Xenosaga could have been better, much better. Yet, overall it was quite enjoyable and fun. Not on Xenogears' level but it's good enough to set up the start of the epic. Still, the next installment, based on my readings, is not that better than Episode I. I just hope that Xenogears' winning formula can be implemented in Xenosaga episode III. And that's not just a changes in costumes and looks.

Well that's my two cents in. Sayonara journal.

To say that I was a fool in love is a very large understatement. Think of Steve or Joe from Blue's clues, and you'll know what I mean. In the past thirteen years, I have never liked or loved anyone aside from my own family. Some kids that age, have already lots of crushes and some of my friends already have girlfriends, but I had always been uninterested in those kinds of things. I had friends that were girls, I even have a very close friend whose a girl. But I have never truly loved anyone in my life.

Until three years ago. I fell in love with the most unlikely person I ever thought I would ever fall in love with. Now, I'm not one who focuses entirely on looks, but I always imagined my significant other to be extremely beautiful with long hair and a beautiful body. So it was a surprise for me to fall in love with a girl like her. However I was only a shy guy back then, most of my friends were guys, and I usually didn't interact with the opposite sex much. So I just laid low for two years and stayed in the background. A year ago, I decided that I had had enough. I was tired of waiting, so I made my move. I really didn't have much experience with that kind of thing. I really didn't know what to do, so I just started to be around her.

My first opportunity was during a spelling contest I had in school. She and I were selected to be the participants in the said contest. On the outside, it seemed that I was just my ordinary self, even with the taunts and jeers my classmates directed at me. But on the inside, I had mixed feelings. Of fear and happiness, anxiety and joy and a whole myriad of other contrasting emotions.

So the day of the spelling contest arrived and we went to the venue together. At that very moment, I sensed something was wrong. That in the back of my mind, I felt something was wrong. Still I chose to converse with her. She told me about which school she was going to and a lot of other neat stuff, but she was somehow holding back. I always talked to her, and she never asked me any questions other than replies to what I asked. I, at that time, just waved it off as something else. For me, it was already a good start and I was pretty hopeful.

We talked a lot more through text messages, and I was pretty happy. For once, maybe there was hope for a relationship with her. But no sooner than my hopes were getting raised, it was once again dashed very swiftly. On a Saturday morning I was assisting other teams with their physics projects because they needed some assistance. And she happened to be their with her group. I tried to talk to her, but somehow I felt some tension in the air. I felt that somehow, maybe something was wrong. Still, I shrugged it off and chalked it up to nervousness or some other feeling.

How utterly wrong I was. At about six o'clock in the evening, she texted me and said that she didn't like me in any way, just as a friend. And I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. But I didn't cry or mope around like a dead man. I was just shocked, I felt my whole body feeling tired and weary and so I fell asleep.

From that time on, our relationship was strained. She didn't talk to me, I didn't talk to her. I wanted too, however, so much it almost hurt. But I knew it was a fruitless endeavour. I just went on with my life, with a huge gaping hole in my heart, that up to now is still there and I think it's growing bigger.

Sometimes, when I am alone at night, I still remember and dream of the happy future that we might have had. I still feel longing in my heart and utter despair at my stupidity at losing her. But that wasn't the final nail in my coffin, not yet; that started a few months later.

A few months later, I noticed a friend of mine making a move on her and I observed. She laughed with him and they talked incessantly and I suddenly found myself insanely jealous. I knew it was only a natural feeling, but still I felt stupid. She has the right to talk to anyone. Besides she was not mine or anyone else's so I just observed.

During the months to come, I observed them becoming closer with every second. They were always talking and laughing, I was envious of their relationship, one that I could never have had with her. By then, I had already given up all hope on her, but still a small flicker of light called hope still clinged. So on the last day of regular classes, before the final exams, I gave her a necklace. It was nothing expensive, just a token of remembrance for her. I primarily gave it to her, so she would remember me, a man who loved her without question, without hesitation. Well, maybe some hesitation. But in the back of my mind, I gave it to her that in some sliver of hope, she would like me a little. A very petty reason I am sure, but it didn't occur to me until later.

Once again, I was rejected. For the very next day, she returned it to me, saying she could not keep it for it was expensive and other crap. But I knew the real reason, she didn't want to remember me. It was plain and simple. But that was not the part that hurt me. I was OK with the fact that she didn't want to remember me. The part that hurt me was she didn't give it to me in person, but via her cousin, that was what hurt me the most.

She thought that I didn't even deserve a appearance vis a vis. Was I such a lowly man, that I didn't even deserve a face to face appearance. Maybe she was embarrassed or something. But I gave her present in front of the whole classroom! That was also pretty embarrassing. I almost didn't go through with it. But with some poking and prodding from my friends and classmates, I finally gathered the courage to give it to her. Wasn't that enough to prove that I deserved even at least a face to face rejection. Maybe she didn't want to hurt me more. But it was too late, I was already hurt. There was no way around it. And that was when the flicker of hope died out.

It's funny that I still love her, even now. I have no hopes that she will love me, but I still love her, with all my heart. I am a sad person, loving someone who doesn't love you. And that is why I am such a big fool.

Sayonara.

Sometimes I find myself questioning my sister. To me, she's somewhat of a nut case. I mean she screeches and cries and acts like a little kid most of the time. She's thirteen years old, for god's sakes! She always acts like that, ninety-nine percent of the time. However there are times,when there would be a light in her eyes and I knew that, for that one moment in time, she was the sister that I always wanted her to be.

I usually don't believe in stereotypes. They exist alright, but I always believe there is some good underneath the surface. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are some pretty horrible people out there. Some who would just kill for no good reason at all. Some kill just for their enjoyment or amusement. But enough of that, that's not what I was going to talk about. My sister is not the stereotypical sister: a brat, spoiled, always wrecking my stuff. Although she is all that, there's something more, more than I can perceive with my utterly fallible senses.

I know that beneath that bratty exterior lies a hidden potential waiting to be nurtured and cultivated. She hides or is unknowingly hiding her secret talents from the world. I know, I have observed her for a long time. However, unless proper corrective measures are applied, she will never grow up to her full potential. I always tell my parents to be less lenient on her, but my pleas fall on deaf ears.

I don't know, maybe it's too late for her. But I believe that there is hope for anyone, even for someone as nutty as my sister. For all her faults, I love her very much. And I want her to succeed in this cold, cruel world. It's going tough; a long and rocky road ahead, but I know she'll weather it through somehow. I'll be there, helping her in the shadows. Through out her life I've always been there to help her become stronger. Unwittingly at first, but then I realized what I was doing and acknowledged it. I always help her to become a stronger person.

I hope that in the future, my sister will become a competent and sane person. Who can stand on her own and be strong. Unlike me, she won't need somebody supporting her. But that doesn't mean she won't have anyone in her life. I hope that my view of her will be fulfilled in the future.

Well then until I write to you again, sayonara.

It seems to me that time is slowly moving faster at an accelerated rate lately. I haven't had much time doing the things I love such as reading or playing video games because I feel that my time would be sucked away in the blink of an eye. It is funny how time can move in different speeds at our perspective. Time actually doesn't move any faster or slower than usual, it's just that we perceive it to be so.

If we do something boring, we feel that time moves to a slow crawl. However, when we do something that we like, time seems to move faster. It's just because we perceive it slower or faster depending on our attitudes, our moods and lot of other factors. Lately when I'm working, I feel that time comes to a screeching halt and moves agonizingly slow. I catch myself looking at the clock more often than I like. I don't want to feel this way, because it is unproductive. Maybe when I have more experience, this feeling will pass.

When I play games, I feel the direct opposite. Time seems to move at warp speed. One moment it's eight and another it's already twelve o'clock. I frequently check my watch, urging it to move slower, so that I can play more. I don't necessarily hate this feeling. I mean, we all want more time to do the things we want to do right? I just sometimes wish that I could have time travelling powers so that I could never be worried about time.

Well, enough of my musings about time. Until next time Journal, sayonara.

It has been awhile since I have played Final Fantasy X, probably a couple of months now. Still, I remember when the game was first release, I begged and pleaded for my father to buy me that game, I even cried for that game; that was four years ago.

Now it has been four years since I've bought that game and I still enjoy a lot. It's deep and engrossing storyline was one of the franchise's best. I never expected Tidus to be a dream in the end. It was quite a big shock to me. I thought it would be a clean-cut 'save the heroine' type of quest, but I was horribly wrong.

It was much deeper than that, it was storyline filled with intrigue and mystery. It constantly left me with the feeling of longing for what would happen next. And constantly, knowing what had happened gave me immense satisfaction. The game play was, of course, top-notch. A staple in the Final Fantasy franchise. Everything seamlessly blended in well together. The trek through the sphere grid, the way you could fully customize your character in a way to suit your personal interests. The way your weapons could become anything you want, a magic machine, or an engine of physical destruction. The way the turn-based play seemed to coincide with the battle system. Everything merged into one cohesive game that many will probably enjoy.

Of course, the graphics and sound, need not to be said. The Final Fantasy series has always been tantamount to perfection in these areas ever since it's iteration in the PS with Final Fantasy VII. Nobuo Uematsu creates wonderfully majestic melodies and songs that creates and sets the right atmosphere for the entire game. From the upbeat battle theme to the melancholy Zanarkand Theme, the entire repertoire of songs for Final Fantasy X is almost perfect. Tetsuya Nomura once again lends his creative mind to the character designs in Final Fantasy X, and so once again a great adventuring ensemble is created.

Tetsuya Nomura's cast of characters is very well-crafted in this sojourn. You could feel the emotion from Tidus and Yuna. The pain, the sorrow, the joy, the emotion between them is very clear and can be felt by the player. The entire supporting cast is very good as well. Characters such as Jecht, Auron, Wakka and others connect with the player immediately. In my case, I connected immediately with Auron, his calm demeanor and level-headedness drew me to him and I used him a lot in the game. Other players may connect with other characters in a similar manner.

Still, for me, what drew me in was the grandiose storyline. One of the finest in the series, but then again, all the stories in the franchise are grandiose and majestic. This game is one that I will always treasure and thank myself for buying. I have made some bad decisions in buying games such as Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness and Shinobi. But I believe, that in the future, when I think back to this time, I will really pride myself on buying this superb game.

For me, there has never been a franchise as superb as the Final Fantasy series. It has defined this genre and brought RPGs to the United States as one of the powerhouse genres. In the future, I will write an entry pertaining to my thoughts on the series itself as a whole. But for now, it is once again farewell. Sayonara.

It has been 3 days sinced I have finished Snake Eater, but I still feel, remember and reflect on the message it brought. I had always thought that BIg Boss was just a megalomaniacal dicatator that wanted to rule the world. I was wrong.

Ever since I had played Snake Eater, I realized that Big Boss was just like Snake. A soldier, that believed in his country, that did his duty without question and that in the end was just a pawn in a political game. In the end, Big Boss was made a hero by the U.S., but that was far from the truth. Big Boss realized he was not a hero, at least he felt that he was no hero. He killed his mentor, a person who was a patriot to the end, just to provide a scapegoat for the U.S. Nobody would feel a hero if one did that.

And Big Boss was also betrayed in an another form, by Eva. Big Boss, being alone for almost all his life, never felt emotion for anybody, save maybe the Boss, still that was just a relationship between mentor and protege. What Big Boss lacked was romantic love, a feeling that he thought he had found with Eva. At first though, he did not want to acknowledge that fact, however he could not resist her charms for long, so he succumbed to the fact that he was in love. Big Boss thought that he finally found somebody to share his life with somebody, but in the end, was also betrayed by Eva.

In the end, Big Boss had enough betrayals for one lifetime, so when he was being congratulated by everybody, it felt hollow to him. No merit or medal could ever bring back his mentor, the Boss or Eva and with that he felt empty. He was dissapointed and angry at his country for doing this to him. Angry that, in the end, no matter what they did in the past, no matter how many great feats they did for their country, they were still considered expendable.

At first I was angry at Kojima for creating a game that featured Big Boss instead of Snake because I wanted to know if Snake would face the Patriots in MGS3, however after playing the game and reading various character analyses, I knew that this was a step in the right direction. Showing that Big Boss was just like Snake was, how he was as much a patriot as Snake was gave the gamer a background on a phenomenal and deep character that is often misunderstood, Big Boss.

Once again I say farewell to you journal, until I write to you again, Sayonara.

Another day ends, and still I am no closer to finding the answers that I seek than I was yesterday. I still feel this emptiness inside of me. I feel lost and confused about the future, feeling uncertain as to which path I am supposed to walk on. I feel much pressure, especially with my father, in taking over the family business. I have no qualms over it, but I am troubled by the emptiness I feel while working there. It is as if there is no meaning for me enclosed in those walls.

Everytime I go to work in my family's business, I feel empty and hollow, liek there is no meaning in my work. All my life, I've tried to do meaningful things. Helping people out, teaching others, giving them hope and encouragement and just plain listening to other people. But now, as I sit here thinking, I feel as if I am at a lost as to what to do. It seems that many paths are laid before me, but I am afraid to take others, for I fear that I have been spoiled.

Now in a normal way for sure, but spoiled nonetheless. I do not whine if I do not get something, or cry when I do not get to watch my favorite TV show. I know that in life you cannot get everything you want. Howver I fear that my father has spoiled me with comic books, music, and other priveleges, primarily the internet, that I feel are necesseities, when they are actually not. I know that these deep attachments seem silly, but still I cling to them, akin to a child clinging to his toy. I feel weak ... for this fact. I do not want to cling to such material items, but I fear that I have too much of an attachment to these objects.

And that is why I do not dare to oppose my father, because of these materialistic reasons. I know that it is shallow and narrow-mindied, call it what you wish, butt sadly it is in my nature. Besides, the company offers me a secure future and income, an office very close to home, and an environment that I have grown accustomed to.

Still, I feel a great apprehension in joining my family business. Most likely because of the disinterest it poses. I do not want to spend all my life peddling office supplies and furniture. I want to do a lot of things, and any one of these things, if I can become them could give me much joy, contnentment and fulfillment.

I hope that things turn out for the best thought. Maybe this just is a passing feeling, an emotion that will fade away in time. Maybe or maybe not.

But for now, it's sayonara journal. Until I write to you again.