- Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
- No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
- Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and hippies.
- Whenever you're pi**ed off, just remember that it's better than being pi**ed on.
- Screwed up people settle fights through violence. Screwed up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cakes, cookies, and pies. Normal people are fat.
- Be normal, the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.
- Every great man was thought to be insane before he changed the world. Some never changed the world. They were just insane.
- I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.
- It's always funnier until someone gets hurt. Then it's funnier.
- When in doubt, do it.
- A crappy life is a great excuse to live a crappy life.
- Always apologize first - it annoys the crap out of people.
- "Losing builds character" You know who said that? A loser.
- Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs harder.
- There's a one-in six billion chance that you'll find you're soulmate. And that's if you're not dead.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control.
- Born free; taxed to death.
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!
- We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. And then it gets worse.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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