- I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
- I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
- If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means.
- IF U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
- If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end ... someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
- If you loan someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
- I'll never understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
- I'm not 50. I'm 18, with 32 years experience.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.
- I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
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