You Know You Need to Diet When:

1. You dance and it makes the band skip.
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
3. You put mayonnaise on Aspirin.
4. You go to the zoo and the elephants start throwing you peanuts.
5. Your driver's licence says "Picture continued on other side"
6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
7. You learned you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
8. You could sell shade.
9. Your blood type is Ragu.
10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When:

1. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, the high five each other.
2. During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.
3. He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
4. He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.
5. During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger"
7. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
8. He frequently gives juror number 4 the finger.
9. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.