Company Exec: “All right, I have another idea.”

Company Guy #1: “Sir, I’m going to ask you to please refrain from more ideas based on hallucinations. We already gave in to your ‘cat riding a giant stuffed animal’ idea, and I’m not quite sure how much more creativity this game can take. It’s like Alice in frickin’ Final Fantasy land.”

Company Exec: “Insolence! No, I’m talking about the plot, you pinhead. It’s going to start off as a bunch of rebels fighting against the evil empire, right?”

Company Guy #2: “Just like every other Final Fantasy game we’ve ever made, yes.”

Company Exec: “But then, really shortly into the game, the real bad guy shows up and kills everybody at the evil empire headquarters with a sword this long!”

Company Guy #2: “Sir, what have we told you about unreasonably large objects?”

Company Guy #1: “Also, after that ‘giant cannon’ idea you pitched earlier, there are already enough phallic references in this game already. I’m going to again have to suggest that the ‘mako energy’ fired by the cannon be any color other than milky white.”

Company Exec: “Fine, fine… but can we still call it the ‘Giant Wang’?”

Company Guy #2: “No, sir, our stockholders would lynch us.”

Company Exec: “Well, on with the plot. Now, the main character is going ot have to go through some kind of a… personal struggle. Maybe… ooh, I’ve got it! He used to work for the evil empire!”

Company Guy #1: “Sounds like a good idea.”

Company Exec: “And also, he needs to hallucinate a lot and have a voice that talks to him that only he can hear!”

Company Guy #2: “So… he’s insane, then?”

Company Exec: “Oh, and God, this is going to be funny, we’ll just make him do some really ****ed up ****, like have his mind controlled by the bad guy, and make him hand over the key to destroying the whole world over to him!”

Company Guy #1: “Sir, studies have shown that people generally do better in video games when they actually like the main character. It tends to make them not seek out new ways to make them die in some horrible fashion.”

Company Exec: “Well, that’s easy enough, then. We’ll just compensate by making the game really, really easy. I want to see an attack capable of doing a bajillion kajillion HP of damage.”

Company Guy #2: “Sir, that’s not even a real number.”

Company Exec: “Insolence! And we’ll call it… um, Knights of the Round! Only something less stupid-sounding. And the whole attack will just be your enemies getting the **** pounded out of them for five minutes!”

Company Guy #1: “*Sigh*”

Squaresoft Exec: “Anyways… I’m very excited about this new Final Fantasy title. As you all know, it will be the first Final Fantasy to be completely 3D.”

Company Guy #1: “Um, about that, sir… I should warn you that this technology is still very new to us, and we haven’t worked out all the kinks yet.”

Squaresoft Exec: “What do you mean?”

Company Guy #1: “Well, Sir, I mean that using polygonal technology on a screen so small, the characters are going to look very deformed… kind of like Popeye on steroids.”
Squaresoft Exec: “I’ve thought about this, actually. No worries, however, because we have made a brand-new discovery. I call it the CG Cutscene.”

Company Guy #2: “What is that, Sir?”

Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence! With the CG Cutscene, we can create brief, non-interactive scenes throughout the game which are graphically superior to anything the world has ever seen before.”

Company Guy #1: “And what of the other 99% of the game?”
Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence! It doesn’t matter what the rest of the game looks like! Just make enough use of the CG Cutscene so we can create commercials containing only CG Cutscenes. So then everybody will think that’s what the whole game looks like!”

Company Guy #2: “Sir… that’s false advertising. As well as going against every code of ethics this company is built on.”
Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence! Do you want to spend another day in the snake pit, Company Guy #2!?”

Company Guy #2: “No, Sir.”

Company Guy #1: “So, wait... let me get this straight... you're proposing that we pool all of our resources into working on what can only possibly constitute less than 1% of the game?”
Squaresoft Exec: “Do you have a problem with that?”

Company Guy #1: “Only that people are going to be a tad bit miffed when they realize that they spent 50 dollars on what basically amounts to a small collection of thirty-second movie clips.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence!”

Company Guy #1: “And what of vehicles in this game, sir? The standard airship, I’m assuming?”

Squaresoft Exec: “Yes. We’ll call it the Highwind. And it’ll be long and hard, and it’ll have two ball-shaped chambers near its base.”

Company Guy #1: “Sir, you’ve been warned about this already.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Oh, and a submarine, too!”

Company Guy #2: “Oh, Jesus.”

Squaresoft Exec: “And if possible, how about a giant, flying penis?”

Company Guy #1: “Ok, Sir, that’s enough! Between ridiculously oversized swords, a canon the size of a city, and a pair of breasts you could fly around the world in, I think this game is by far sexual enough! For Christ’s sakes, why don’t you just have the lead character get in a hot tub with seven other sweaty, oily men in Speedos!?”

Squaresoft Exec: “…” *Smiles a little bit*

Company Guy #2: “Oh, no…”

Squaresoft Exec: “I like the way you think! Get to work on this idea immediately!”

Company Guy #1: “Sir… no. Just, God, words cannot even describe how wrong this is.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence! I want a group of several large, muscular men in Speedos to make several appearances throughout the game! Their leader shall be called Mukki, and they will spend their time giving each other oil back massages and making the lead character feel pretty. Mmm… it’ll be… wonderful!”

Company Guy #1: “Sir… your pants are… oh, God! Are you wearing women’s underwear!?”

Squaresoft Exec: “Yes! And the lead character will have to dress up as a girl! And he’ll feel all pretty and lovely and handsome and… um, I think I should excuse myself.”

Company Guy #1: “What did I do wrong in a past life?”

Squaresoft Exec: “Well, then, let’s move on to the battle mechanics.”

Company Guy #1: “Lest you cream yourself again, yes, lets.”

Squaresoft Exec: “What have you all got for me?”

Company Guy #2: “Well, sir, given the 3D nature of the battlefield graphics, we can actually fully animate each attack, as well as give each character a unique celebratory pose, as opposed to before, when it looked like the whole party spontaneously decided to do the Hokey Pokey.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Excellent! For the female lead, I want her celebratory dance to somehow involve thrusting her chest out. In fact… just make it thrusting her chest out.”

Company Guy #1: *Sigh* “Ok, sir, we can do that, but you have to promise us not to actually make an enemy called ‘Touch Me’. Deal?”

Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence! There will be no deal, young Jedi.”

Company Guy #2: “Um, anyways, sir, I’d also like to talk about the summon attacks. Anyone in the party can use them, and they’re the most powerful attacks in the game. In addition, each summon attack will have a lengthy and impressive animation.”
Squaresoft Exec: “Yes, I saw some of them earlier! I like them very much, and I think the player should, too. In fact, I think the player should be forced to watch them every time they use the attack.”

Company Guy #1: “Sir… that’s ridiculous. The animations are bound to get old after the fiftieth time people have seen them. We should at least have a skip button or something.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence!”

Squaresoft Exec: "I had another idea, actually."

Company Guy #1: "If it involves the word Speedo, Sir, I will stab you with my pen."

Squaresoft Exec: "Well, I thought that in this Final Fantasy, we might expand on the various breeds of chocobos... perhaps even allowing players to breed their own!"

Company Guy #1: "That's... actually a good idea."

Squaresoft Exec: "I'm thinking major side quest potential here. Everything from catching them in the wild to training them to feeding them to breeding them... and each higher breed of chocobo will have a further benefit to the player. "

Company Guy #1: "Sounds good... what's the catch?"

Squaresoft Exec: "If I could direct your attention over here, I've drawn up an example family tree."

Company Guy #1: "Um... isn't a family tree supposed to fork?"

Squaresoft Exec: "Insolence!"

Company Guy #1: "But wait... if those two are brother and sister, and... oh, God, Sir. And then the next one is it's grandmother and... Sir! God, no, this is wrong!"

Squaresoft Exec: "Is something wrong, Company Guy #1?"

Company Guy #1: "Sir, this is madness. What you are encouraging is inbreeding so horribly rampant that by all medical logic, the eventual offspring should be physically and mentally retarted beyond all human capacity."

Company Guy #2: "I don't see anything wrong with it."

Company Guy #1: "Where are you from again?"

Company Guy #2: "West Virginia... why?"

Company Guy #1: "That explains so much."

Squaresoft Exec: "Insolence!"

Company Guy #1: "Sir... I think we should address the difficulty issue in this game. Do you know that there are several attacks which can kill the final boss in just one hit?"

Squaresoft Exec: "Hmm... ok, we'll compromise. You! I want an enemy... no, wait, two of them with a bajillion kajillion zillion HP."

Company Guy #1: "Sir... what have we said about using numbers that don't exist?"

Squaresoft Exec: "Insolence! And we'll call them something like... um... I dunno. Red Guy and Green Guy, I guess."

Company Guy #2: "Sir, I just ran that idea past our Japaneese correspondant. He says that if you even think about putting something that asinine in the Japanese version, he'll have your testicles for lunch."

Squaresoft Exec: "Ok, cancel Red and Green Guy on the Japanese version. Also try and think up of better names than Red and Green Guy. Just whatever you do, don't do something so cliched as naming them after gemstones or something. A little originality, please?"

Company Guy #1: "I hear that human testicles are considered a delicacy in Japan."

Company Guy #2: "Please shut up."